Foxbox's Review Of Stuff

Maybe I just have no soul, but the romance between Otanashi and Angel felt half-assed and felt as if no care went into it. It was like a Dues Ex Machina, came straight out of Adam Jensen's asshole.

First of all, like, what the fuck. This is literally the romance.
1. They meet
2. They spend some time together (by which I mean they solve a stupid "murder" mystery lol
3. She becomes a tsundere and cooks for him (What the fuck?)
4. Kirito almost dies TWICE, they kiss and get married (??)

Becomes a bird in a cage. LITERALLY. LIKE. WHAT THE FUCK YO. There was also a SUPER weird and cringy incest thing going on. Oh, and the main villain fucking pissed me off. Although, I guess that's a good thing.

even his sister/cousin LOL

Now, this isn't easy. I have to keep in tact all of the side characters and side quests, while making the show better. Let's do this.
1. In episode 3, do not kill off the Moonlit Black Cats. Or at least, don't kill all of them. Don't have them die in the trap, skip it. Instead of Kirito fighting the Santa themed boss alone, have the entire group fight it, and have everyone die. Using the item, have Kirito revive Sachi. Sachi, feeling the guilt that Kirito revived her, runs away. A few days later, have Sachi send a message to Kirito, with only "I'm sorry." written, followed by a clip of Sachi humming Merry Christmas. Have the episode end on Sachi disappearing from Kirito's friend list.
2. Still have Kirito save Silica, and have Pina die. Have the same episode, except show Kirito sometimes speaking to what seems like himself. (What I mean by this is, focus the shot on Silica, and as she's looking around or some shit, or when they're in the Inn, show dialogue like "-Ee you soon." "I'll be there." Silcia questions what he's doing, he says nothing. When Kirito is confronted by Titan's Hand, instead of winning by standing still (fucking lol) have him snap his fingers, and outcomes Klein, Agil, and Asuna from behind them. Kirito says the whole bounty shit, and then the four prepare their weapons, and Titan's Hand surrenders. This way, we introduce Asuna and Kirito still having a relationship after the first two episodes, and we introduce Agil and Klein as being his friends. Granted, this is still a shit episode with these changes, but better then before.
3. Instead of them trying to solve that retarded mystery, do this. Have the guy who gets "killed" DIE for real as Asuna and Kirito are heading to town. Show the Laughing Coffin. [SPOILERS FOR SEASON 2 OF SAO. IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED IT, DO NOT READ.] Remember that scene with the Laughing Coffin raid in S2? Put that here. After the guy gets killed, have Kirito and Asuna interrogate the girlfriend of the guy, and then they set a trap. They use her as bait. Just as she's about to get attacked, Kirito tackles the member, and Asuna points her sword at his neck. He gives away the guild's position and shit, and then put the raid here. The reason I'm doing this is, I find it really stupid they put in an SAO scene in season 2. [SPOILERS OVER FOR SEASON 2]
4. Now, we have a free episode to ourselves. Since EP6 was about the whole Grimlock thing (Which was utterly retarded) and we already solved that shit. We use this free episode for the fight that they were discussing in the beginning of episode 5. They prepare to fight the monster, they use Asuna's strategy of using the NPCs as bait, have them fight it, Kirito and Asuna fight together like old times, they kill it, and then have Kirito remind Asuna that she still owes him for that meal, since they couldn't eat last time due to the raid. Have them spend time together and don't make Asuna a tsun.
5. So at this point, the show is hopefully a little better. Have Kirito drag Asuna along to get a sword. Make them all buddy buddy now. Lisbeth gets jealous and shit, and then the three of them go to get the sword crystals or some shit. While they're fighting the drag, instead of having Lisbeth and Kirito fall, have Asuna and Kirito fall in, and Lisbeth runs away. We need to make the romance between Asuna and Kirito more concrete. They sit together and talk and shit, they start to get closer, but don't have them hold hands as they fall asleep like Lisbeth and Kirito. That's dumb. Instead, have them sleep near each other, and in the middle of the night, they do the "Hey, you still awake" shit, and they talk, and laugh and share stories and jokes and shit. They fall asleep facing each other. Morning, dragon shit, they hold hands this time as they're falling, they meet Lisbeth hiding in a corner near the crystals, crying, thinking that they're both dead. She apologizes, they get the sword, ez.
6. Have this episode be the same, but make Kuradeel creepier. Have him spy on them, without them knowing as they're eating whatever they were eating. Kirito knows he's there because of his listening skill, he chases him out, Kirito says with Asuna for the night to protect her from Kuradeel, morning, the duel, and yeah.
7. This episode remains mostly the same, except have Asuna and Klein have a bigger role in the fight. They looked like garbage here. Right now, the relationship between Kirito and Asuna is a BIT better.
8. Mostly the same, but have Godfree (The other guy that died) fight Kuradeel. He realizes its poisoned, but Kirito already drank it. Kuradeel snaps fingers, two laughing coffin members appear, they show their tatoos. Godfree kill both members, but gets stabbed by Kuradeel. Kuradeel goes to town on Kirito, Asuna saves him, and at the end, Asuna doesn't show mercy. She just slices Kuradeel's head out right. Asuna carries Kirito back to the base, no kiss yet.
9. Rumors are going around Aincrad that the Lightning Flash Asuna and the Beater Kirito are dating cause Kirito is going to her house like everyday since his home is garbage or some shit. Unable to focus since Asuna's apartment is in a pretty populated location, she moves to the woods, and invites Kirito along since his home is garbage or some shit. Right now, they're like Best Friend status, although there are vague hints that they're in love with each other. Have the same deal with Yui, Kirito and Asuna go out on a walk, Kirito tells spoopy story, meet Yui, and shit. Here, this is where we learn Asuna is spooked by ghosts, and clings onto Kirito, making him blush and shit. Yui falls, they go, and the same deal. Instead of them going to the Town of Beginnings and having the whole orphan stupid shit, have her suddenly disappear even though they were having fun together. Kirito and Asuna then get a quest that's titled "Yui" and no description, and it's automatically accepted. This proves Yui's admin status or whatever she is to them. A map marker is then placed in that dungeon where the Fatal Scythe is. They go there, and as they're about to enter, they hear a scream within. Yulier, that gray haired girl runs out, crying and shit. They catch up to her, Thinker, the guy they originally saved in the original episode dies, and Kirito and Asuna rush down there, thinking Yui is there. They fight the Fatal Scythe, lose, they're about to die, Yui does the bullshit thing, same deal happens, she disappears, and instead of Kirito becoming a mad hacker or some shit and making Yui into an item, we have Yui give them the item. "Yui's Heart." A necklace that they both put around their necks.
10. We skip the fishing shit. That was the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life. Instead, have the entire episode focus on the fight with the Skull Reaper. It's super kool and shit, near the end, Heathcliff, Asuna, and Kirito are doing some MLG Three on one action on the Skull Reaper, the boss knocks Kirito away, and the scythe is inches away from Asuna. Heathcliff does that freeze time shit to intercept the scythe with the shield, instantly blinking in front of Asuna. At the end, have the beginning of the next episode, with Kirito confronting him and Heathcliff revealing to be Kayaba Akihiko. He paralyzes everyone, and offers the challenge. Episode ends on cliffhanger.
11. Episode begins with them fighting, Heathcliff pulls more bullshit, breaks one of Kirito's swords, and kills him. Yep, no bullshit. Kirito dies. Asuna screams, and pleads with Heathcliff to give Kirito back, proclaiming "HE'S ALL THAT I HAVE!" with tears in her eyes. Heathcliff complies out of pity and because she's the vice captain of the guild. Kirito revives, but in return, Heathcliff kills Asuna. He stabs her paralyzed body. Kirito, infused with rage, drops his other sword, and picks up Asuna's rapier. They fight, and this time, Heathcliff is slightly injured from last time, and Kirito is fresh. Kirito, in super try hard and rage mode, stabs Heathcliff and kills him. After Heathcliff dies, Kirito drops the rapier, and falls to his knees. The others are unparalyzed. Agil and Klein go up to Kirito and comfort him. He shrugs them off and leaves, and then the game is cleared. We don't have the whole Kirito searching for Asuna at the end, but we do have him wake up and being attended to immediately by nurses and doctors.
12. Now we move on to the second half. Kirito, thinking Asuna is dead, is still in mourning. He and Suguha have the kendo shit, but Kirito loses easily. Suguha makes fun of him, and Kirito falls to his knees and starts crying, and starts thinking about Asuna. Later at night, he receives a phone call from Sugou, the scumbag villain. Kirito learns that Asuna is alive and rushes to her side at the hospital. He cries upon seeing her, and behind him, Sugou. He goes all creepy and is like "She's mine" or some shit and he's keeping her alive or some shit. Episode ends with Sugou sniffing Asuna's hair, being creepy and shit, Kirito shoves him, and holds him up by the collar, Asuna's dad walks in, thinks Kirito is scum or some shit, kicks him out of the room, and you just see Sugou's smug fucking face afterwards.
13. Agil calls Kirito to the bar, shows him the pic, same shit, he goes to Alfheim Online, and deletes all of his items and same shit. Instead of mysteriously being transported somewhere else, he's just transported to town. He deletes all of his past items from SAO, but one item refuses to be deleted. It's Yui's Heart. It tells him in Yui's voice to go outside. He goes outside, the necklace explodes, Yui comes out as a pixie or fairy or whatever the fuck she was, and then he hears explosions, and stumbles upon Leafa about to get killed by the three dudes. Instead of being god and fucking with them, he has a cool battle with all three of them, winning at the end, although barely.
14. Episode begins with the two at a bar drinking and eating, she asks his name, he says Kirito, she then looks visibly shocked for a second. Kirito wonders what's wrong, but Leafa shakes it off. Kirito asks about the World Tree, says he needs to meet someone at the top, someone he "Dearly Loves." Leafa looks somber for a second, but agrees to help him. She logs off, saying she has to go, and we see Suguha. We then get inner monologue of her saying "When I saw him, I thought that was onii-chan" or some shit. He then knocks on her door IRL, asking what to eat for dinner. The two go out to eat, and at a restaurant, Kirito starts talking about his SAO journeys, and Asuna to Suguha, who is all of a sudden asking a ton of questions. Suguha interrupts Kirito, asking if the name "Kirito" is of any significance to him. Kirito looks shocked, asks how she knows, and then she reveals she's Leafa and shit, and Suguha asks of the person he dearly loves is that girl he was talking about earlier in his stories, Asuna. He says yes, and all of a sudden, Suguha looks determined as fuck, and they eat, and play some more. This way, we skip the weird incest thing going on.
15. Episode 18 now, we have Leafa abandon her group for Kirito, they go on a trip, all the while Leafa or Suguha or whatever the fuck you want to say is still asking questions about Kirito. The same deal happens, Sugou gets all creepy as Oberon with Asuna or Titania or WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ARC ITS SO GARBAGE. *Ahem* I'm sorry. Anyway, she learns Kirito is alive and is in the game, and says that he came by to visit and got all physical with him, and leaves, but Asuna learns the cage code and shit, and she whispers "Kirito, save me" to herself.
16. (Note, fuck Recon. That bowl cut asshole doesn't deserve to be in this anime. Fuck him.) Leafa and Kirito go through that cave and shit, only to learn that they're being followed when they hear footsteps behind them. They start running, but is then cut off by the Salamanders at the bridge. Instead of some bullshit and becoming Gleam Eyes, Kirito actually gets defeated here and is taken prisoner by the Salamanders instead of being killed, as a way to infuriate Leafa, and a chance at starting a war between the two factions, the Sylphs and Salamanders. Kirito gets taken away and thrown in a dungeon. A few hours later, General Eugune comes over and stares at him, and asks how he defeated three of his strongest men the other night. Kirito replies that they were weak, and this game is nothing compared to "That other game." Eugune ponders at "Other game" and asks. Kirito reveals he was in SAO. Cliffhanger ending.
17. Episode 20: Eugune calls bullshit on the SAO thing, and challenges Kirito to a duel, to prove if his swordsmanship is as good as one of the survivors of SAO. We're skipping that stupid fucking meeting shit cause that was utterly stupid. Kirito gets his gear back, and Eugune and Kirito fight at an arena in the Salamanders City. It's jam packed, the headline being "SAO Survivor takes on General Eugune!" They duel, it's cool as fuck, and Kirito spots Leafa in attendance. He does the smoke shit and takes her sword and yeah, the fight is pretty much the same. Eugune gets defeated, and then lets Kirito out of the dungeon, saying that he proved his strength. As a reminder of the fight they had, Eugune promises that he and his men will do one favor for him. Kirito whispers in Eugune's ear, and Eugune nods his head, and smiles, saying "You're one crazy kid. I like that." Eugune lightly bumbs Kirito with his fist, before walking off. Leafa asks what that was all about, Kirito says nothing, and Kirito goes on with Leafa to the city below the tree. Kirito tries to fly up, fails, episode ends as Kirito accepts the Grand Quest. (Note: I'm not having that Metal Gear Solid segment with Asuna almost getting tentacle raped cause there really wasn't a point to that, other then the stupid card, but that's a cop out. I got my own solution that's a cop out too!
18. Episode 21: Mostly the same, server maintenance, Suguha goes with Kirito to visit Asuna, Sugou is there, being creepy again (Fucking asshole) Kirito gets all worked up but cools down as Suguha puts her hand on his shoulder. Sugou leaves and Kirito holds Asuna's hand and looks at her somberly. It then cuts back to ALO, they do the Grand Quest thing, they get shit on, Kirito keeps on trying, but keeps dying, Leafa grabs his soul and runs, same shit. Before she dies, the doors open, and a huge bum rush of the Salamanders rush in with General Eugune. General Eugune tell his men to provide a distraction. Kirito rushes to the top, Yui comes out and says to Kirito that the quest was never meant to be completed, the door was never meant to be opened, it's a scam, and then they die, along with most of the Salamanders. They end up back outside, Eugune patting Kirito, saying "Sorry." before all of the Salamanders leave. Kirito drops to his knees again, crying. Episode ends.
19: Episode 22: A few weeks have passed now. Kirito is super depressed now. Asuna is super depressed still. Suguha is depressed. Sugou is having the time of his life (FUCKING DICK) One night, Kirito leaves without letting Suguha know. We see him go to Asuna's hospital room, and waits there all night. In the morning, Asuna's father walks in, and seems shocked, going all like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE" and doing typical things old men do. Kirito begins talking with Asuna's father, as the door closes. It then cuts to Suguha, being all like "omg wheres onii-chan" and shit. A few hours later, Kirito comes back, seemingly happy. He tells Suguha to get on ALO, and they do the Grand Quest, ONE final time. Leafa says he'll just die, and Kirito says "Watch me." Kirito opens the door to the Grand Quest, and looks up. In a split second, he grabs Leafa's arm and flies straight up. Episode ends.
20: Episode 23: Kirito flies straight up, Yui pops out and points at the door slowly opening. Leafa is shocked, but realizes that they won't survive that long. Kirito smirks as he opens his inventory and takes out Excalibur, the legendary sword. Leafa asks how he got it, and we go to a flashback of Kirito telling Asuna's dad everything, even showing proof through the hospital's camera. Asuna's dad says he'll do anything to get his daughter back. Kirito tells him to give him the sword Excalibur, along with a rapier, and to open the door at the end. Asuna's father agrees. (Note: If you don't know, Asuna's dad is the CEO of the company that owns Alfheim Online.) Kirito goes to fucking town with Excalibur and the Rapier, duel wielding. Episode ends as Kirito gets inside, as Leafa stays behind to fend off the enemies. Episode ends.
21: Episode 24: So Kirito and Yui go Sanic speed to the cage, as Yui can sense that "Mommy is close!" and shit. They meet, they're all reunited, Kirito and Asuna embrace, and share a moment. Just as they're about to kiss. Yui is suddenly being dragged into the ground, as Asuna and Kirito are transported into another location by Sugou, or Oberon in this world. Sugou does the whole sexual harassment shit with the anti gravity thing and the pain shit (I hated this part so much but It's important) and Kirito just lays there, with both the rapier and Excalibur in his back. Suddenly, the anti-gravity thing stops. Sugou is wondering what the fuck is going on as he was licking Asuna's face (fucking fag) and then they're back in the bird cage. Sugou gets a notification that his admin powers have been taken away. Sugou is like "OH NOES" and Kirito gets up, with like 5 hp. Kirito tackles Sugou out of the bird cage, as they both fly down. As they're falling, (I'm sorry, but we need this Dues Ex Machina, or else I don't know how to continue the story) Kayaba AKihiko with his online conscious appears to Kirito, and gives him admin powers. Kirito turns the pain meter all the way up, and chops off Sugou's wings and arms, legs, and impales him with the rapier, before flying back up. Sugou falls to his "death." Kirito and Asuna reunite. Kirito says he'll log her out and go visit. Episode ends.
22: Episode 25: Same shit as the beginning, Kirito gets attacked by Sugou. Kirito is placed in a choke hold, and just as he's about to get his throat slit, Suguha hits Sugou in the back of his neck with a kendo stick. Sugou falls, and Suguha beats the living shit out of Sugou, getting to the point where she cries, since he was about to kill Kirito. Kirito embraces Suguha, and kicks Sugou, before putting him in a choke hold of his own, and knocking him out, then calling the police. Kirito goes to visit Asuna, and FINALLY. This is where they kiss. They look at each other, and Asuna has tears coming out of her eyes. Kirito hugs her, and they kiss. And from there, the same deal, the same ending. And that, ladies and gents, is my rewrite of SAO Season 1. I'll be uploading the second season tommorrow, since I'm tired as fuck. Till next time!