Review of Proto's "Flowering Night" and Celebi's Dream
Aug 30, 2015 9:50:47 GMT
Post by Aki on Aug 30, 2015 9:50:47 GMT
Haha, okay, I know it's been a while since you requested this of me, about half a year has passed, in fact. But I keep my promises, it's okay.
I am going to review Flowering Night as well, since it came to my attention as an SDM themed piece, which is something I enjoy reading.
In these two reviews I will be using a more causal and less structured way of looking at these short stories, than my normal formal reviews. I may go back to being really stiff and formal later, but not now. I feel this would be easier to write for me, while retaining the attention to detail that is the norm in my other reviews.
Disclaimer: I am not a professional reviewer. I have taken literary analysis centered classes at school, but I am not an English major, nor am I a particularly skilled fiction writer. This was requested of me, and I accepted. As for the FN, I just wanted to write my thoughts on it, since I had a lot of them (I'm also open for discussion about the things I've said here).
Flowering Night
Flowering night is an action intensive one-shot piece centred upon Sakuya and the backstory behind her joining the scarlet devil mansion.
Firstly, praises. As an action intensive one-shot, a first person narrative is the way to go. After all referring to a character as “I” allows the reader to more effectively put themselves in the position of the character in the middle of the action. As opposed to ‘Sakuya’ which is, on one hand, an annoyingly long name to read, relative to the short “I”, and it is also a character so far removed from reality it is much harder to relate to. For the people taking about “stiffness” this is not a problem with the decision for the passage to be written in first person, it is an issue with the execution of said decision.
Since this is a retelling of a very popular theory, I can’t really praise it for originality. Which means this is really where the praises, unfortunately, end. The issue I am going to put these criticisms under is “immersion”. As an action intensive piece this passage has way too many monologues and repetition of “I”. This is what I was referring to in the “execution” of the first person narrative. Optimally the lower the number of repetition of the referring to a character/oneself is optimal in an immersive piece. This is because if you read too much of the same word, you notice you’re reading, thus breaking immersion. It is best to keep this to a minimum. Another issue with the diction is that you name things a bit too much. For a piece about someone killing people at night, it seriously lacked the descriptions that could have made this truly shine. For instance “I heard the sounds and immediately focused to activate my ability”, is really unnecessary and you could have cut the entire line out and said “Time stopped all around me”, or even better, describe the sensation of having time stop. Sakuya would have had a lot of experience with this. Perhaps it could have felt calming or empowering? It can be seen as a stylistic choice, for the passage to be a little deadpan, since Sakuya was pretty detached throughout the experience due to her traumas. Nevertheless, I think a description, rather a naming, of a phenomena can greatly enrich this passage. “Show, not tell”.
It also has far too many time skips and flashbacks. I acknowledge that it was supposed to build character, but really I see no reason for it to be put in the middle of an action scene like an advertisement, since it is practically irrelevant to the story before Remi’s entry. I feel that it would have been a better decision to have written the tragic backstory before, as a cohesive whole, then have the present day action written, also, cohesively. It’s more immersive that way.
The other points I have are arguably pedantic, they mostly led to the breaking of immersion since I started thinking about things that were not the extract. Note, this is just my experience and is most likely not generalizable to everyone reading the passage, nevertheless I think this could be of use to you.
- The master on her deathbed is incredibly verbose and appeared to be quite a master of linguistics…Even though she was supposed to be dying, and her cognitive functions shutting down.
- Sakuya can be a vampire slayer even if she kills humans. Those two titles are not mutually exclusive.
- Remilia really does not sound like canon!Remilia. She seems to have spoonfed all the information for Sakuya. I feel like Remilia would have said something quite vague and Sakuya’s internal monologue would infer the rest. Really, a monologue at this point would also have been more immersive. A noisy vampire doesn’t give off the aura of confidence and power that a more quiet one would emanate, imo. She also sounds like you, actually. Protomilia, is a thing. i.e. She sounds like a scientist. If this was Eirin, it would have been perfect.
- I really wish you included your interpretation of the mechanics behind time control. Then I wouldn’t have spent half the reading time guessing how sealed spaces can prevent the alteration of time flow.
- I thought Sakuya was just too late to evade the chain. But then she notes a few paragraphs down that it was because she chose not to.
- How would a vampire hunter that also kills humans find good company in a vampire? Why are humans branding her a monster? All she does is go out trying to find vampires, and failing to do so. Then when being attacked, defends herself like a normal person. That’s basically just the makings of a useless bum. Besides, why isn’t she hired to be a bodyguard or something in that case? Humans in this story are dumb as fk.
- Sakuya can’t kill something when time is frozen. They get all hard and her knives don’t cut.
- What nature? There is nothing in this passage that infers any reason why the Sakuya of now could not just move to, I dunno, China and set up a fruit stand and live a normal life. Think her knife tricks could do well on some Chinese cabbages. Sure she was raised to be a killer, but for how well she got used to being a maid, I’m surprised she didn’t try doing any other job. So I don’t see how she can’t succeed in pretending to be a normal human. As for trying…Why not? She seems to be content pretending to be a maid without killing vampires every other day.
- Canon!Remilia does not have that much proficiency in fate manipulation. This doesn’t take that much away from the passage, but since it’s using pre-made characters in a setting that could easily be assumed to be canonical, staying true to them would improve immersion and prevent the reader’s mind from wandering.
(1988 words)
I am going to review Flowering Night as well, since it came to my attention as an SDM themed piece, which is something I enjoy reading.
In these two reviews I will be using a more causal and less structured way of looking at these short stories, than my normal formal reviews. I may go back to being really stiff and formal later, but not now. I feel this would be easier to write for me, while retaining the attention to detail that is the norm in my other reviews.
Disclaimer: I am not a professional reviewer. I have taken literary analysis centered classes at school, but I am not an English major, nor am I a particularly skilled fiction writer. This was requested of me, and I accepted. As for the FN, I just wanted to write my thoughts on it, since I had a lot of them (I'm also open for discussion about the things I've said here).
Flowering Night
"I have returned, Master"
As I knelt down and lowered my head, I could hear Master walking closer to me. Then I heard her speak.
"Forty-three. That's how many vampire hunters we sent against the vampire Nero. And none of them came out alive. And yet, you've not only been able to slay him, but you don't even have any scratch on you either. Your mastery over time manipulation and your combat proficiency are truly amazing."
She placed her hands on my head and raised it so that she could look directly into my face.
"Welcome home, my perfect vampire slayer"
---
Finally. I could sense them. Multiple entities that were cautiously hiding, most likely watching me and waiting for an opportunity to strike. I walked towards the center of the clearing that was filled with flowers. Deep in the forest, on the night right after the full moon, any vampire in this area should not hesitate to attack such easy prey. I started to get really excited. It's been more than 200 years since I last encountered a vampire after all!
The attack began. I heard the sounds and immediately focused to activate my ability. Time stopped all around me. Everywhere except on myself. I looked around, seeking my enemies. The attacks would have given away their hiding spots, so I should be able to find them now.
Except... there were no vampires at all. Five arrows were frozen in midair, clearly directed towards me. This was an attack from humans, not vampires. I was disappointed yet again, but whatever. They clearly intend to kill me, so I'll need to eliminate them regardless. I set up my knives, frozen in midair, ready to slice their necks as soon as I released the frozen time. Well, for four of them. I recognized the fifth person and decided to confront him directly first.
When I allowed the time to flow normally again, the man was on the ground, disarmed of his crossbow. I pushed him down, since he would have otherwise tried to escape, and then I waited for him to stop screaming.
I stared at him with a sharp gaze. "You're the one who defends the city from criminals, right? And you know that I'm the vampire hunter. Why are you trying to kill me?"
"Vampires don't exist." He's already talking, and coherently too. Good, he's a brave man, which is convenient since I wanted to end this quickly after all. "We knew you would come here if we spread rumors about vampires haunting this forest. You're the only true monster here, and we were going to kill you."
I heard enough. There was no need to keep him alive any longer. I brought down the raised knife and went straight for his neck.
---
"Master..."
She lay on her deathbed, as she looked at me.
"Master... are you really going to die?"
"Yes... I may have trained you in the art of time manipulation, but I was never as talented as you were. Surely you must have noticed that I've been aging much faster than you..."
"But, Master..."
"It's okay. I believed I've already fulfilled my role. You are the perfect assassin that I've ever trained, far surpassing all my other 'children' that I've raised. Your legendary exploits as a vampire hunter is likely the sole reason why we haven't had any vampire encounters lately. Your performance has been nothing short of outstanding."
"But... what will I do once you're gone?"
"Keep living on. You will likely outlive this organization but don't let that stop you from continue to live out your life. I don't want your excellent combat proficiency and time manipulation to go to waste after all I've invested onto you."
"I understand, Master... I will live on..."
---
I stared into my blood-stained hands. This isn't the blood of a vampire. This is the blood of a human. I'm supposed to be a vampire slayer, and yet I haven't encountered a single vampire lately. I've just kept killing humans... Whenever I perceive the slightest threat or hostility from anyone, I find myself killing them really quickly like this. After all, I've been trained to be a killer since I was born.
But killing humans... Can I really continue to call myself a vampire slayer?
I heard a sudden noise. I realized I was still on the forest and tried to react. Stop the time at least. But I was too late. I wasn't anticipating an attack right now at all.
The next thing I knew I was covered by a large red chain that was binding me. It didn't feel tight or painful at all but yet, the chains didn't budge as I tried to struggle within them. A short figure descended from the sky in front of me. It looked like a female child with blue hair under her hat, giant bat wings on her back and sharp fangs as she smiled. It was a vampire.
"This is so interesting", she cackled, "If the stories I heard about you were true, I would have been dead by now if you weren't distracted for a brief moment there. But now I have the upper hand after the surprise attack. This must be fate~"
This isn't good. I may not know how to escape the chains but I can at least stop the flow of time around me to give myself time to think and figure something out. I tried to concentrate on freezing time, but...
"Don't bother. These chains completely seal the space inside them, so there is nothing you can do that will alter the flow of time for me."
"You... know about my ability?"
"Of course. Humans may have forgotten, but the legendary nameless vampire hunter with perfect time manipulation is pretty well-known for our kind. You've defeated Nero and so many other vampires."
"If you wanted to avenge them, then why haven't you killed me yet?"
Her smile widened. "Because I have better plans for you. You were raised as a loyal and perfect killer for that organization... but are you still a vampire slayer? You've been killing vampires to protect humans in the past, but now mankind is rejecting you. And here you are, killing the very humans that you should have been protecting. You're not actually a vampire slayer at heart. That organization is long gone. You're free to carve out your own path now."
This is... it's as if she knew about the doubts in my heart. But well, I suppose she figured out how much this was bothering me from the moment she found that I didn't evade the chain.
The vampire continued. "What you need is for your skills to be utilized in a useful and appreciated manner. Trying to serve humans isn't going to satisfy you at all. My name is Remilia Scarlet. I don't desire to kill humans mindlessly, and you seem to be perfect as a bridge between human and vampire. I truly admire and respect your skills a lot and would really want you by my side. And since humans are already branding you as a monster, I think you'll find good company in a vampire like me. What do you think?"
---
The chains disappeared, and I fell to the ground. As soon as I got up, I immediately stopped the time around me. The vampire known as Remilia was right in front of me, completely frozen. I took a few steps towards her. She was completely vulnerable as I stood before her. I was a professional vampire slayer, and I could easily kill her and even completely eliminate her regeneration so that she never breathes again.
But Remilia wasn't scared at all. Frozen in time, she still bore her confident smile, as if assured that I wouldn't kill her, despite knowing full well that I had the capability of doing so. That was when I started thinking about her words.
Ever since I was born, I've been living a life of servitude. It was the only life I knew. Until Master died. Since then, I've been completely lost. I've tried to live on as a normal human, but my very nature made that impossible for me. I'm not a vampire and I can't act as a normal human or be satisfied with trying. Remilia said I would be perfect as a bridge between the two... could that really be the case?
My Master, who raised me from birth, used me as a vampire slayer. No, that doesn't matter. Whether I killed humans or vampires was irrelevant. She intended for me to be a perfect killer, proficient in mortal combat and mastering time manipulation. And that I would also serve my master with the utmost loyalty and devotion. She was proud of the results, which is what made me satisfied while she was alive. She may be gone now, but I may still have a chance to experience a similar form of satisfaction that stays true to the person that I've become.
I made up my mind. I dropped the knife and returned the time flow to its normal state. From Remilia's perspective, it probably seemed like I teleported in front of her in an instant, but she didn't seem surprised at all. She said "Did you have enough time to think about it?"
"Yes, I think I will try out your proposal." I gave a slight bow, and continued, "...At least for now, I am at your service, Lady Remilia."
I don't know if this is what my previous master would have wanted me to do, but that doesn't matter. I've made my own decision and I believe this should be compatible to my nature, and my previous master herself was primarily responsible for me becoming who I am.
Lady Remilia seemed pleased with my decision. "Of course, you were destined to serve me." She paused for a bit and spoke.
"Thank you, my perfect maid... Izayoi Sakuya"
As I knelt down and lowered my head, I could hear Master walking closer to me. Then I heard her speak.
"Forty-three. That's how many vampire hunters we sent against the vampire Nero. And none of them came out alive. And yet, you've not only been able to slay him, but you don't even have any scratch on you either. Your mastery over time manipulation and your combat proficiency are truly amazing."
She placed her hands on my head and raised it so that she could look directly into my face.
"Welcome home, my perfect vampire slayer"
---
Finally. I could sense them. Multiple entities that were cautiously hiding, most likely watching me and waiting for an opportunity to strike. I walked towards the center of the clearing that was filled with flowers. Deep in the forest, on the night right after the full moon, any vampire in this area should not hesitate to attack such easy prey. I started to get really excited. It's been more than 200 years since I last encountered a vampire after all!
The attack began. I heard the sounds and immediately focused to activate my ability. Time stopped all around me. Everywhere except on myself. I looked around, seeking my enemies. The attacks would have given away their hiding spots, so I should be able to find them now.
Except... there were no vampires at all. Five arrows were frozen in midair, clearly directed towards me. This was an attack from humans, not vampires. I was disappointed yet again, but whatever. They clearly intend to kill me, so I'll need to eliminate them regardless. I set up my knives, frozen in midair, ready to slice their necks as soon as I released the frozen time. Well, for four of them. I recognized the fifth person and decided to confront him directly first.
When I allowed the time to flow normally again, the man was on the ground, disarmed of his crossbow. I pushed him down, since he would have otherwise tried to escape, and then I waited for him to stop screaming.
I stared at him with a sharp gaze. "You're the one who defends the city from criminals, right? And you know that I'm the vampire hunter. Why are you trying to kill me?"
"Vampires don't exist." He's already talking, and coherently too. Good, he's a brave man, which is convenient since I wanted to end this quickly after all. "We knew you would come here if we spread rumors about vampires haunting this forest. You're the only true monster here, and we were going to kill you."
I heard enough. There was no need to keep him alive any longer. I brought down the raised knife and went straight for his neck.
---
"Master..."
She lay on her deathbed, as she looked at me.
"Master... are you really going to die?"
"Yes... I may have trained you in the art of time manipulation, but I was never as talented as you were. Surely you must have noticed that I've been aging much faster than you..."
"But, Master..."
"It's okay. I believed I've already fulfilled my role. You are the perfect assassin that I've ever trained, far surpassing all my other 'children' that I've raised. Your legendary exploits as a vampire hunter is likely the sole reason why we haven't had any vampire encounters lately. Your performance has been nothing short of outstanding."
"But... what will I do once you're gone?"
"Keep living on. You will likely outlive this organization but don't let that stop you from continue to live out your life. I don't want your excellent combat proficiency and time manipulation to go to waste after all I've invested onto you."
"I understand, Master... I will live on..."
---
I stared into my blood-stained hands. This isn't the blood of a vampire. This is the blood of a human. I'm supposed to be a vampire slayer, and yet I haven't encountered a single vampire lately. I've just kept killing humans... Whenever I perceive the slightest threat or hostility from anyone, I find myself killing them really quickly like this. After all, I've been trained to be a killer since I was born.
But killing humans... Can I really continue to call myself a vampire slayer?
I heard a sudden noise. I realized I was still on the forest and tried to react. Stop the time at least. But I was too late. I wasn't anticipating an attack right now at all.
The next thing I knew I was covered by a large red chain that was binding me. It didn't feel tight or painful at all but yet, the chains didn't budge as I tried to struggle within them. A short figure descended from the sky in front of me. It looked like a female child with blue hair under her hat, giant bat wings on her back and sharp fangs as she smiled. It was a vampire.
"This is so interesting", she cackled, "If the stories I heard about you were true, I would have been dead by now if you weren't distracted for a brief moment there. But now I have the upper hand after the surprise attack. This must be fate~"
This isn't good. I may not know how to escape the chains but I can at least stop the flow of time around me to give myself time to think and figure something out. I tried to concentrate on freezing time, but...
"Don't bother. These chains completely seal the space inside them, so there is nothing you can do that will alter the flow of time for me."
"You... know about my ability?"
"Of course. Humans may have forgotten, but the legendary nameless vampire hunter with perfect time manipulation is pretty well-known for our kind. You've defeated Nero and so many other vampires."
"If you wanted to avenge them, then why haven't you killed me yet?"
Her smile widened. "Because I have better plans for you. You were raised as a loyal and perfect killer for that organization... but are you still a vampire slayer? You've been killing vampires to protect humans in the past, but now mankind is rejecting you. And here you are, killing the very humans that you should have been protecting. You're not actually a vampire slayer at heart. That organization is long gone. You're free to carve out your own path now."
This is... it's as if she knew about the doubts in my heart. But well, I suppose she figured out how much this was bothering me from the moment she found that I didn't evade the chain.
The vampire continued. "What you need is for your skills to be utilized in a useful and appreciated manner. Trying to serve humans isn't going to satisfy you at all. My name is Remilia Scarlet. I don't desire to kill humans mindlessly, and you seem to be perfect as a bridge between human and vampire. I truly admire and respect your skills a lot and would really want you by my side. And since humans are already branding you as a monster, I think you'll find good company in a vampire like me. What do you think?"
---
The chains disappeared, and I fell to the ground. As soon as I got up, I immediately stopped the time around me. The vampire known as Remilia was right in front of me, completely frozen. I took a few steps towards her. She was completely vulnerable as I stood before her. I was a professional vampire slayer, and I could easily kill her and even completely eliminate her regeneration so that she never breathes again.
But Remilia wasn't scared at all. Frozen in time, she still bore her confident smile, as if assured that I wouldn't kill her, despite knowing full well that I had the capability of doing so. That was when I started thinking about her words.
Ever since I was born, I've been living a life of servitude. It was the only life I knew. Until Master died. Since then, I've been completely lost. I've tried to live on as a normal human, but my very nature made that impossible for me. I'm not a vampire and I can't act as a normal human or be satisfied with trying. Remilia said I would be perfect as a bridge between the two... could that really be the case?
My Master, who raised me from birth, used me as a vampire slayer. No, that doesn't matter. Whether I killed humans or vampires was irrelevant. She intended for me to be a perfect killer, proficient in mortal combat and mastering time manipulation. And that I would also serve my master with the utmost loyalty and devotion. She was proud of the results, which is what made me satisfied while she was alive. She may be gone now, but I may still have a chance to experience a similar form of satisfaction that stays true to the person that I've become.
I made up my mind. I dropped the knife and returned the time flow to its normal state. From Remilia's perspective, it probably seemed like I teleported in front of her in an instant, but she didn't seem surprised at all. She said "Did you have enough time to think about it?"
"Yes, I think I will try out your proposal." I gave a slight bow, and continued, "...At least for now, I am at your service, Lady Remilia."
I don't know if this is what my previous master would have wanted me to do, but that doesn't matter. I've made my own decision and I believe this should be compatible to my nature, and my previous master herself was primarily responsible for me becoming who I am.
Lady Remilia seemed pleased with my decision. "Of course, you were destined to serve me." She paused for a bit and spoke.
"Thank you, my perfect maid... Izayoi Sakuya"
Flowering night is an action intensive one-shot piece centred upon Sakuya and the backstory behind her joining the scarlet devil mansion.
Firstly, praises. As an action intensive one-shot, a first person narrative is the way to go. After all referring to a character as “I” allows the reader to more effectively put themselves in the position of the character in the middle of the action. As opposed to ‘Sakuya’ which is, on one hand, an annoyingly long name to read, relative to the short “I”, and it is also a character so far removed from reality it is much harder to relate to. For the people taking about “stiffness” this is not a problem with the decision for the passage to be written in first person, it is an issue with the execution of said decision.
Since this is a retelling of a very popular theory, I can’t really praise it for originality. Which means this is really where the praises, unfortunately, end. The issue I am going to put these criticisms under is “immersion”. As an action intensive piece this passage has way too many monologues and repetition of “I”. This is what I was referring to in the “execution” of the first person narrative. Optimally the lower the number of repetition of the referring to a character/oneself is optimal in an immersive piece. This is because if you read too much of the same word, you notice you’re reading, thus breaking immersion. It is best to keep this to a minimum. Another issue with the diction is that you name things a bit too much. For a piece about someone killing people at night, it seriously lacked the descriptions that could have made this truly shine. For instance “I heard the sounds and immediately focused to activate my ability”, is really unnecessary and you could have cut the entire line out and said “Time stopped all around me”, or even better, describe the sensation of having time stop. Sakuya would have had a lot of experience with this. Perhaps it could have felt calming or empowering? It can be seen as a stylistic choice, for the passage to be a little deadpan, since Sakuya was pretty detached throughout the experience due to her traumas. Nevertheless, I think a description, rather a naming, of a phenomena can greatly enrich this passage. “Show, not tell”.
It also has far too many time skips and flashbacks. I acknowledge that it was supposed to build character, but really I see no reason for it to be put in the middle of an action scene like an advertisement, since it is practically irrelevant to the story before Remi’s entry. I feel that it would have been a better decision to have written the tragic backstory before, as a cohesive whole, then have the present day action written, also, cohesively. It’s more immersive that way.
The other points I have are arguably pedantic, they mostly led to the breaking of immersion since I started thinking about things that were not the extract. Note, this is just my experience and is most likely not generalizable to everyone reading the passage, nevertheless I think this could be of use to you.
- The master on her deathbed is incredibly verbose and appeared to be quite a master of linguistics…Even though she was supposed to be dying, and her cognitive functions shutting down.
- Sakuya can be a vampire slayer even if she kills humans. Those two titles are not mutually exclusive.
- Remilia really does not sound like canon!Remilia. She seems to have spoonfed all the information for Sakuya. I feel like Remilia would have said something quite vague and Sakuya’s internal monologue would infer the rest. Really, a monologue at this point would also have been more immersive. A noisy vampire doesn’t give off the aura of confidence and power that a more quiet one would emanate, imo. She also sounds like you, actually. Protomilia, is a thing. i.e. She sounds like a scientist. If this was Eirin, it would have been perfect.
- I really wish you included your interpretation of the mechanics behind time control. Then I wouldn’t have spent half the reading time guessing how sealed spaces can prevent the alteration of time flow.
- I thought Sakuya was just too late to evade the chain. But then she notes a few paragraphs down that it was because she chose not to.
- How would a vampire hunter that also kills humans find good company in a vampire? Why are humans branding her a monster? All she does is go out trying to find vampires, and failing to do so. Then when being attacked, defends herself like a normal person. That’s basically just the makings of a useless bum. Besides, why isn’t she hired to be a bodyguard or something in that case? Humans in this story are dumb as fk.
- Sakuya can’t kill something when time is frozen. They get all hard and her knives don’t cut.
- What nature? There is nothing in this passage that infers any reason why the Sakuya of now could not just move to, I dunno, China and set up a fruit stand and live a normal life. Think her knife tricks could do well on some Chinese cabbages. Sure she was raised to be a killer, but for how well she got used to being a maid, I’m surprised she didn’t try doing any other job. So I don’t see how she can’t succeed in pretending to be a normal human. As for trying…Why not? She seems to be content pretending to be a maid without killing vampires every other day.
- Canon!Remilia does not have that much proficiency in fate manipulation. This doesn’t take that much away from the passage, but since it’s using pre-made characters in a setting that could easily be assumed to be canonical, staying true to them would improve immersion and prevent the reader’s mind from wandering.
(1988 words)
