Ariezza
Promised Arclight
Posts: 615
There is now only a white phantom that looks like you
Favorite Game: Double Dealing CharacterFavorite Character: Satori KomeijiCustom Title: Promised ArclightMini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://i.imgur.com/udbtmBy.png","color":""}Mini Profile Text Color: ffffffMini-Profile Name Color: ffffffOverride Avatar (Auto-Extended Mini-Profile): Enable
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Post by Ariezza on Jan 28, 2015 6:19:41 GMT
Only a few hours left to the end of Writing Phase. The final wave of entries will be hitting the beach right now, so brace yourself!
A past can change!
1???:"For a long time, I've been wanting to bring more justice to Gensokyo, the incidents that have happened will break Gensokyo eventually. This is why I'd like you to cooperate with me." 2???:"My, my, never thought others would see this as an issue. I do get your point, incidents happening all across Gensokyo might break it up eventually however I wonder how you want to make sure this stops other than asking me for a helping hand." 1???:"My plan so far is to speak with the more prominent leaders of certain areas in Gensokyo. I think the best is if they give me a bit more of space in their territory for me to rule. I'm more than sure that if they do this, I can give Gensokyo the back-pushing it needs." 2???:"Hhm, control you say? So what sort of cooperation did you have in mind~?" 1???:"Since you can get to any place easily, I'd like you to speak the ones in charge of the places I'll mention now: the SDM, the Netherworld, the Eientei residence; last but not least, the Moriya Shrine. I want you to ask for their cooperation, are you willing to help me with this?" 2???:"Mhm, sounds rather interesting I must say. It would be an amazing occasion to use to tease them all for a bit again, you can count me in~" 1???:"I would rather not see you teasing those who I need to make Gensokyo a better place, my thanks are in advance for the help that will be given." 2???:"That's fine, I'll be sure to report you once I'm done. I'm sorry to tell you that I need my sleep now, so I'm leaving now." *suddenly one of the mysterious characters leaves the scenery, it all became silent and so.. So the plan was put into action.* *About a month later.. At Marisa Kirisame's house." Marisa: Uwaahh.. I overslept once again, now that I remember.. It has been 10 years since she said that, something is certain to happen soon.. I just can't forget it; I keep dreaming about it, guess I got to deal with it for a bit. Marisa: Soon I'm about to get a visit from Nitori which should've gotten my upgraded Mini-hakkero ready by now, I just can't wait to see the firepower it'll produce! *About 20 minutes later.* :"Mariiisaaaaa!!! Open the door already!!! Are you deaf or something?!??" Marisa: Oh snap! I totally forgot to check on the door before heading to my mini garden for breakfast.. I'M COMING!! *Marisa got to the door and opens it from the inside of the house.* Nitori: Jeez Marisa, that took you long enough, I've been here for ten freaking minutes!! Marisa: Sorry, didn't notice due to breakfast. Get inside da ze~ *Nitori walks through the hallway to the living room with Marisa.* Nitori: Jeez, you should really be less careless.. Anyways I've gotten the upgrades for the mini-hakkero done. Care to hear what I've upgraded? Marisa: Nitori.. Didn't I give you strict orders to upgrade only what I want to see upgraded? Nitori: You did, but a few additional features are always nice, don't you think so? Marisa: Mhm, well go ahead and show me the improvements. Nitori: Well, instead of absorbing only magical power it can now also absorb emotions to fire at will, also I've given your mini hakkero mini angel-like wings to fly next to you. Marisa: What.. Can I see my mini hakkero now? Nitori: Sure, I'll let it fly to you to demonstrate the mini angel wings! *As Nitori's eyes sparkle with the brimming motivation that she feels when she speaks in a manner many will see as self-satisfactory, the mini hakkero flies towards Marisa at a god-like speed.* Marisa: HYACK, THAT THING IS COMING AT ME DA ZE. MAKE IT MOVE SLOWER YOU IDIO- I-it just stopped in front of me.. Nitori: Who were you about to call an idiot? I only sense a genius in front of you who has added a heat-sensor to the mini hakkero! Marisa: What.. That almost gave me a heart attack, you should've told me... Nitori: Huh, wasn't it obvious? It's not like I'd let any of my inventions do weird stuff like crashing into you with an unrivaled speed! Marisa: Well, with your inventions we honestly never know ze~ Nitori: ... Just be happy that I improved your mini hakkero already. Marisa: I'm happy, just close to developing fear for things that fly fast thanks to that. Nitori: Why do you participate in so many danmaku battles then.. Marisa: That's different! Honestly, don't compare apples with potatoes! Nitori: .. B-but it's pretty much the s-*before Nitori could even continue with talking Marisa did put her hands on her ears to make sure she wouldn't hear any of it anymore.* Nitori: H-hey that's very childish.. *And so the chatter between the 2 continued for a while, it took until midnight until Nitori decided to go.* Nitori: Well, I'm off to home now. Before I go, have you heard the Moriya Shrine is currently in negotiations? Marisa: Huh, to be honest I don't really care, those Moriya's can do whatever the heck they want. Nitori ...As Expected of you, sorry to bother you with this, I'll make my leave now. Marisa: Alright, thanks for upgrading my mini hakkero; have a safe trip! Nitori: Ah, thanks. I'll head for the door so bye! Marisa: bye! *after Nitori did head for the door and then leave, Marisa decided it was about time for her to fall asleep.* *At midnight 2 mysterious characters are once again discussing their matters together, this time close to Marisa's house.* 2???:"My, my, the Moriya's are more than willing to help. As long as their religion will be supported when your plan works." 1???:"Ah, that's good to hear. Did the SDM and the Netherworld agree yet?" 2???:"The Netherworld did agree, the SDM on the other hand doesn't seem to agree very easily on it. Remilia seems to want a "blood-contract" in exchange for help." 1???:"A blood contract, mhm.. As expected of Remilia, the SDM seems to have their own concerns regarding helping. I heard they're dealing with one of the biggest threats if there's no blood." 2???:"Indeed, I probably shouldn't speak of it as it is now but Remilia Scarlet got a little sister named Flandre Scarlet, she's very childish but also mentally unstable. I remember that Remilia told of her being dangerous if she doesn't get any blood." 1???:"I thought you had a contract with the SDM, shouldn't you hold yourself to it?" 2???:"The SDM had some help from Nitori a while ago, she made a device that changes water into blood. However Remilia told me that the device doesn't work anymore after a bizarre crash, that's also her reason for not wanting any help from machines anymore. Even though she broke our contract for this at first." 1???:"I see, they don't have much of a choice anyways, so why don't you offer them the old contract again? Remilia would dig her own grave if she doesn't agree." 2???:"My, my, you figured exactly what I had planned to do~ To be perfectly honest, Remilia didn't have much time due to some SDM matters at the moment I arrived. At the moment I wanted to offer her the contract she told me she had to go for a while, she did tell me that I can come back later though." 1???:"Then do so, for now my thanks are in advance. Also before I forget about it, 2 weeks have passed since the Eientei residence has agreed on the deal. I'll take full control of that place right away." 2???:"Ah, I'll make sure to get the SDM to agree then, I'm also entirely sure that the Moriya Shrine will agree soon enough, since I'm willing to help them spreading their religion for the sake of Gensokyo's stability." 1???:"Good, I'll get to Eientei to take full control now, once again my thanks are in advance." "Mhm, goodnight." *What the 2 mysterious characters didn't know was that Marisa was told about their ongoing conversation when she was sleeping.* ...(Maaaaariiiiiisaaaaaaa!!!!!!!)....(Waaaakeee uuuup....)...(Have you gotten all of the information..? Wake up then!!)..Hmpff *Aya swiftly grabs her tengu fan and carefully slaps Marisa's cheek with it.* Marisa: Oomph!! What the.. Intruders? GET OUT! THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON TO INTRUDE IN GENSOKYO AND THAT'S M-Aya...? What the hell are you even doing here.. Aya: Ayayayayayayayayayaya!! I've been waiting for you to wake up, have you heard any of the stuff I told you when you were asleep? Marisa: ... Since when did you turn into Koishi? Telling stuff when people sleep is strange, even for you. And I recall having dreamt about 2 shady characters conversing about.. Gaining might in Gensokyo? Aya: Yeah, then you must've gotten everything I told to you. Haha! This makes an awesome scoop for tomorrow's Bunbunmaru! I can really see it: "Reporter speaks to sleeper; sleeper remembers everything!" Marisa: Aya.. Please stay on the damn topic ze~ Aya: Err, sorry. It's hard getting a good scoop these days. Anyways, I think I saw one of the 2 people.. If I saw it correctly then one of them was no one else than Yukari Yakumo! Marisa: ...Yukari? That makes sense, actually. Aya: How rude! Aren't you any happy that your everyday supreme reporter has figured this?!? Seriously, damn rude. Marisa: Aya, quit it. First of all, why the heck are you randomly waking me up for something I got nothing to do with? Aya: Well, remember that Reimu left for a vacation a while ago with Yukari's help? I heard she was spotted in the outside world. Marisa: H-how did she even get spotted there.. Aya: An old Tengu's secret. Marisa: I knew you were old ze~ Aya: Not me you idiot! *Aya's facial expression seems to turn into rather annoyed.* Aya: Anyways, it's about time that I tell you what I think that is happening. Marisa: Go ahead, it's not like I need to sleep at this hour anyways. Aya: Mhm, Well.. I've observed a few of the conversations from afar, too far to get a good vision on the perpetrators other than Yukari. Marisa: So.. Aya: Let me finish, damnit! Anyways, the conversations all seem to lead up to some plan to take over Gensokyo.. Now that Reimu's away you're the only person to solve this incident! Besides that now that I've found you I can get myself a big ol' scoop! Marisa: Why, why didn't I expect this right away? Aya: Do whatever you can't do later. Anyways I'm planning to gather more information, what're you gonna do? Marisa: Not much, honestly.. Marisa: Maybe if I knew something to do, without Reimu it's so boring. However Nitori did mention negotiations with the Moriya Shrine a while ago, I might want to check on that.. Aya: Ah yes, gather information there tomorrow! I'll make my leave now *Before Marisa could say bye to the ever so arrogant tengu reporter, she flew away at an enormous speed shouting "ILLUSIONARY DOMINANCEEEEE!!!!" very loudly." Marisa: Will that tengu ever learn? Mhm, time to get some more sleep since it's just damn late ze~ *The next morning.* Marisa: Uwaah... Seems like I slept like a rose, I don't even know why I feel this energetic after such a short while after having to speak with that annoying tengu. Marisa: I'll forget about breakfast today, I got my clothing ready though.. *Marisa dresses herself in the same dress she always dresses herself in, the Ordinary Witch dress.* Marisa: Time to grab the broom and say wroom! I'll get there in a fraction of a second! *as Marisa cheerfully grabs her broom, she's already thinking who she'll speak at the Moriya Shrine and what she'll say.* *Marisa's flight to the Moriya Shrine took an hour, this took a little bit longer than normal due to the big amounts of fairies she encountered on her way to the top of the mountain." Marisa: Ah, I've finally arrived. That were a lot of fairies though, some of them seemed to've gotten some vague danmaku spamming techniques, I can only remember one incident in which they did and that's... Huh.. Which incident was it again?.. Didn't I dream about this a while ago?.. I-I don't even know anymore.. *Marisa's lands on her landing place, next to the Moriya Shrine's donation box." Kanako: Is that you Marisa? Have you finally decided to honour the great gods? Marisa: I'm actually here because I got a few questions about the negotiations. Kanako: I see, I'm sorry but those're private. I don't really see your reason for wanting answers for something you got nothing to do with. Enlighten me, right now. Marisa: Jeez, no need to be that defensive ze~ I was just wondering what they're about. Kanako: Oh, someone is very interested in our help to hold Gensokyo stable; has interest in our religion, that's all. Marisa: .. Huh "hold Gensokyo stable" Could you please explain me a little about this? Kanako: As I've said, this is pretty private. Consider it as a holy gift of mine that I already told you about those details. Marisa: Jeez, you certainly are a strict one, eh Kanako? Kanako: I sense that you have no interest in worshipping us yet, if you make your leave as fast as possible I'll reconsider giving you reasons to join. Marisa: I'm sorry Kanako, I honestly am not interested. Kanako: Hmpf, fine! Just know that your Gensokyo wouldn't be this beautiful without us gods. Marisa: Yeah, yeah.. Gensokyo wouldn't be a safe place without me around ze~ Kanako: Says the thief. Marisa: H-ack! That's just rude. Kanako: It's true, I'm willing to forgive you but you seem to not understand your own faults in life. Marisa: Mhm, bye Kanako. *Marisa walks away from Kanako with a rather annoyed facial expression, she seems to walk to Lake Suwa which is located right behind the shrine. Hoping to speak to Sanae there.* Marisa: SAAANAAAEEEEE??? ARE YOU HEEEEREEE??? : Yes, I'm here. Sanae: Pardon me, but what's your reason for being at this lake..? Normally Reimu would only visit this lake; even then that's a thing she only does a few times. Marisa: Well, so the Moriya Shrine is in negotiations with some strange person willing to spread your religion and hold Gensokyo stable. I want to know about this since Reimu's on a vacation.. Sanae: I see, well I've been at the negotiations, since I know you for a bit I feel like it should be okay to tell you a bit about this. Have you asked Kanako already? Marisa: Eh.. *lies* She told me that you'd be better at explaining it. Sanae: I can see that you're lying, but I see no problems in telling you about it. Sanae: Basically, Yukari Yakumo came to us telling us she's willing to spread our religion if we'd give her and her companion full access to the Moriya Shrine territory, not for bad reasons but for both promoting the shrine and holding Gensokyo stable.. After all the incidents Gensokyo has been through, it would only be dumb to let yourself be held back by common sense, right? Marisa: Okay, who's this companion? Sanae: I think.. I think that it was Shikieiki Yamaxanadu... Marisa:.. Huh, it all makes sense now.. So it's Shikieiki.. Thanks Sanae, I'll be sure to return the favour someday! I got to go now ze~ Sanae: Ah, no problem Marisa.. I'll hold you on your word. I take that you're going to speak the yama about this? Marisa: Yes, this time I'm very fast with it. I hope that I can solve an incident before it happens. Sanae: Huh, is that the sole reason? Are you honestly willing to pull down the Moriya's Shrine's reputation for that?!? Marisa: What are you talking about, giving the damn shrine area away to Shikieiki? She always lectures about what people do wrong! I doubt you'd get it back, besides she'd probably lecture about the many wrong things about your religion anyways. Sanae: ..Huh, What did you mean with that? Marisa: Ah, sorry! Complicated story, I'll tell you it a bit later. I'm sorry but I really got to go now! Sanae: Ah.. Bye Marisa. Marisa: See ya Sanae. *Marisa runs away to the Moriya Shrine's donation box, this time she doesn't do it to steal donations but to grab her broom; to take a flight to Higan.* Marisa: I've been flying for four hours now, the enemies are really tough.. A few almost walled me with their danmaku techniques; what the heck is up with big fairies using spellcards all of a sudden?!? *It took Marisa about 2 hours more than that to get to the Higan, there she was.. Under the withering cherry blossoms she stood, Shikieiki Yamaxanadu.* Marisa: So.. You. All the talk was about you trying to take areas in Gensokyo for "stability".. I've been very fast this time, I didn't need Aya and I hope I can resolve this with words. Shikieiki: Very well, I didn't quite know that anyone knew of this. I could've expected it from the thief that stole more than just items, you stole a location in hell as your set-end destination too. Marisa: Shikieiki I'm not in the mood for your lectures! I honestly am not in the mood for them! Just tell me why you're doing all of this alre-*Shikieiki raised her Rod of Remorse* Shikieiki: Silence! It doesn't matter what you had been planning to do, your whole research is probably wrong anyways. Shikieiki: I wouldn't like to see a thief as the new protector of Gensokyo. Marisa: What the.. Hey, Reimu's still alive you know! Shikieiki: These days Reimu goes on vacations all the time thanks to Yukari, she's too careless to take care of Gensokyo. Shikieiki: That's why I'm currently busy sending Yukari out for negotiations. I want to make Gensokyo a safe and stable place. Shikieiki: I don't need you to interrupt our business, one of the reasons why I'm afraid you just came due to the date of your final judgement. Shikieiki: Remember ten years ago? I'm very sure Komachi told you you'd live for 10 years atleast. But do you know what would happen after it? Marisa: Wait what..? UGH, so that's what I had forgotten.. Shikieiki: It's because this would be your final judgement, I don't know what the result will be. So do you. Shikieiki: However, you've found out that I'm the true "perpetrator" behind this incident this far, even though I've been fixing up what a lazy shrine maiden has left us with. Shikieiki: I'm willing to give up on my plans if you can get a good final judgement, for this you'll have to win in a danmaku battle against me! Shikieiki: After all, I want stability. I know you've participated in incident solving just like Reimu used to do years ago, that's why I'm giving you this one of a kind chance. Shikieiki: Do you manage to fail on the other hand, then you'll be sent to hell. No exceptions! Marisa: I don't.. I just don't get it anymore, so you've been discussing a plan to "stabilize" Gensokyo for months just to give up if I can pass a judgement? Shikieiki: I'm a clear judge, I know that I've done my work. But I do my work for just one thing, to make sure Gensokyo will remain safe and stable. I do believe your case is 2-sided, Yes. I do believe you'll be sent to hell for the thievery you've committed in the past, however you've done a lot of good things too. This is why I'm offering you this chance. Shikieiki: We're more than needing people like you to hold Gensokyo safe, I thought there was nobody left so that's why I did do plan B already. I'm willing to stop plan B in case you've proven yourself to be worthy of being Gensokyo's new defender. Marisa: Quit the lecture already, Lets get over with this. Shikieiki: I didn't yet point you on your faults that much so I was offering you something, not lecturing you. Marisa: Doesn't matter, you're just as annoying this way. I'm sorry but I'd rather fight now. Shikieiki: I suppose there's no learning for you, but I can agree that we should just start this now. If you manage to win I'll tell Yukari to stop the negotiations. Shikeiki: This time, you can change your ever so bad-looking future into something bright, this is a reason to fight for Marisa. You can stop an incident before it even happened, so I expect you to do your best. Marisa: Alright, ready for a danmaku battle? Shikieiki: Yes I am. *Shikieiki flies up to the sky and starts shouting one of her spellcards. Shikieiki: "Remorse Rod of Justice - Eternal Justification!" *Shikieiki quickly begins to spawn dozens of Remorse rods that're thrown as clusters towards Marisa.* Marisa: Ze~ seems like I'll just have to do my usual dodges so lets se-Wait a second.. SERIOUSLY? NO GAPS?!? *Love Sign "Master Spark"* Marisa: WHOA!!!.. My Mini Hakkero's firing a much bigger blast than it usually does, and I can actually move around with it. Marisa: .. Wait a second, those wings.. Do they possibly allow my mini hakkero to move towards the yama?.. Shikieiki: That's a rather big blast, did Nitori perhaps toy around with your mini hakkero? Marisa: Huh? You weren't hit? Shikieiki: Of course I wasn't hit. *as Shikeiki ends her sentence, she starts throwing even more remorse rods, this time a few of the spellcard fairies that appeared earlier appear in front of Marisa.* Marisa: Not this again.. *Magical homing Missile!* *As the fairies are about to start a spellcard in which bullets are very dense and fired at high speed towards Marisa, Marisa seems to've hitten them enough with magical missiles.* *Shoot the Moon "Stardust Meteor!* Marisa: heh, dodge this Shikieiki! *A lot of star-shaped bullets spawn around Marisa and rotate around her in an oval-angle; are then shot at an adequate speed towards Shikieiki.* Shikieiki: Those aren't hard to dodge at all, honestly. Marisa: You forgot one thing about this spellcard! *Marisa starts shooting star bullets towards the ground that was filled with the withered cherry blossoms, only to cause waves of rock-danmaku to come up; it heads straight for Shikeiki.* Shikieiki: Interesting, still not a problem. I'm honestly still hold-*charge sound* Marisa: Maaaaaasteeeeeeerrrrrrrr...... *FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!! The big spark engulfs Shikieiki completely* SPAAAAAAAAARRRRRKKKKK!!!! Marisa: Damn, Nitori you're a genius. Seriously, a mini hakkero with wings.. Hehe. Shikieiki: U-ugh... That did hit really hard, I give up. I honestly give up now. Marisa: E..Eh? This fast? Shikieiki: It seems like I just can't dodge like I used to do ten years ago, I think that I have to relearn that skill for a bit. Marisa: I see.. Did I pass the judgement now? Shikieiki: Yes, positively too. It's remarkable how fast you found out about this, I called this all an incident a bit earlier because you're wrong with that. Shikieiki: It's not an incident yet, I just wanted to stabilize Gensokyo before an incident would happen, much like you did by being very fast at this. You still lack being capable of holding back though. Marisa: Are we going to stop bashing me around? I've won, just do as you said and quit the whole plan! Shikieiki: Alright, you're now Gensokyo's official defender. Also, you won't be sent to hell as long as you stay on this path from now on. How does this sound? Marisa: More than amazing, I'm going home now though.. Shikieiki: Thanks for your dedication, I'll stop Yukari's negotiating for me now. Marisa: Ah, bye. Shikieiki: Bye, hope we'll speak soon enough. Marisa: Yeah, we probably will (Even though I honestly don't want to speak to you in a thousand years.) *As Marisa flies away using her broom, thinking she didn't need that arrogant Tengu that much; how Nitori's creativity is actually very awesome.. She thinks about how Gensokyo has changed in a place in which everyone contributes to certain events, if it may be an incident or not. Gensokyo's residents are all connected in some way, even the lazy miko which's taking a vacation in the outside world.* "Ending no.1 Congratulations with your lunatic-length mode 1cc! Try to Ultra Mode 1cc next time!"
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Ariezza
Promised Arclight
Posts: 615
There is now only a white phantom that looks like you
Favorite Game: Double Dealing CharacterFavorite Character: Satori KomeijiCustom Title: Promised ArclightMini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://i.imgur.com/udbtmBy.png","color":""}Mini Profile Text Color: ffffffMini-Profile Name Color: ffffffOverride Avatar (Auto-Extended Mini-Profile): Enable
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Post by Ariezza on Jan 28, 2015 6:24:15 GMT
This entry has such a romantic name! Everyone, please take a look~ Bear in mind that the countdown to the real Voting Phase has already begun!
And yes, I fixed my little countdown. You guys are silly.
A Promise upon a Cherry Blossomed Night I dusted my hands happily, staring at the shimmering spirit dancing before my eyes. My first summoned shikigami in the Saigyouji manor; I grinned happily to myself. This was my training to be an Onmyouji, after I befriended Yuyuko Saigyouji in a human village, ever since I was trapped in Gensokyo half a year before. Tiptoeing out of the training room, my summoned spirit dancing at the center of my palm- a present for Yuyuko. Walking down the mansion hallway, walls glowing metallically in the moonlight. I spot Yuyuko, sitting quietly on a wooden ledge overlooking a Japanese styled garden decorated with sakura and strangely, with lycoris. Yuyuko sat there alone with her light wavy pink hair blending in softly with the cherry blossoms behind her. Her usual soft water blue kimono blew softly in the spring breeze. Although she was such a girl so full of life, as if she were blossoming with the flowers, as I watched, tears began streaming silently down her cheeks.
"Maribel..." she whispered to me. Her voice choked with sobs. ” Maribel, I-I've been...lying to you." She offered her cupped hands to me.
I peered inside. Suddenly, my eyes widen in shock. A dead butterfly. Instinctively leaping back, I lose my balance and fell heavily on the ledge. My eyes looked timidly up at Yuyuko. But her maroon eyes looked soft and sad, as they always had.
"Maribel, you see...I can manipulate death. I didn't tell you...Because I didn't want you to be scared of me..." her eyes flit up, noticing my scared look, and her eyes welled more with tears, wet drops falling onto her lap and leaving dark stains on her kimono. "I can control it a bit, but I’m not allowed close to strangers …you see? But I can't keep hiding it from you...I'm sorry, I tricked you. I won't ask you to forgive me. But still, I-"
I cursed myself under my breath. "Yuyuko, don't cry. It’s alright-"
"How could it be alright? I could have killed you! Even when you brought those spirits and food for me from the village, while I lied to you that I was sick!"
"Please, Yuyuko, listen. I...knew that. That’s why, I’m a liar too." I took a breath, and my heart beat fast "-Because I knew all of it from the beginning"
I reached out my hand to catch a delicate petal falling from a cherry blossom tree. It slipped between my fingers and lands in a bush of lycoris. I bend down to pick it up again with a small puff of breath; my shikigami flowed into the petal, giving the petal a luminescent glow. “Lucky charm” I said gently as I placed the petal on Yuyuko’s head.
Yuyuko looked at me. Her head tilted like a confused puppy, twinkling silver tears still falling from her eyes. I pulled her into an embrace and spoke softly in her ear, “We’ll learn to control our powers together. I promise. Promise me, Yuyuko, we’ll never forget each other.”
“…I-I promise”
oOo
Piled upon the dew covered grass; the crusty brown leaves and fallen blossoms whirled around in a circle like a small tornado. The mystifying colours of the sun shone onto the pile of leaves glistening brightly as the icy breeze bitterly blew over my shoulders and neck, which gave me that tingling sensation signalling the beginning of autumn at the Saigyouji manor.
I reached the main hall, with one hand heavy carrying Yuyuko’s favourite snacks fresh from the human village. But, something felt off today. A fly twitched and fell from the air- dead. My eyes widened as big and as round as a pair of ying-yang orbs.
I heard a faint voice. It’s Yuyuko and she was talking to someone, but no one talked back. I put on trembling hand on the door and slid it open.
Yuyuko stood at the centre of the hall amongst piles of corpses, swaying unsteadily. Her hands were covered in blood, tiny red drops falling down her pale white fingers.
“I’m a monster, Maribel.” said Yuyuko, she slowly turned her head to face me “I won’t be able to hurt anyone if I died right, Maribel? I can control my power like this, just like we promised, Maribel!”
“No…this can’t be happening. No that’s not what we promised… No, I’ve failed…?” thoughts whirled like a tornado in my head. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I blinked my eyes, expecting to see. Yuyuko’s usual soft, sad maroon eyes. Instead, I saw two empty, hollow pits like a well with no water. But enticing as a vat of dark chocolate invited you to be enveloped in it. I felt a freezing sensation and my limbs felt like they were being dunked in ice cold water. I tore my sight from Yuyuko’s…like a coward.
“I killed mother… I killed father… I killed Youki…I killed our cute little shikigami…” continued Yuyuko, in her cupped hands is a charred, crumpled petal. Its once incandescent glow was nowhere to be seen. “I wanted to protect them! But they’re dead…Ahaha…I never get anything right…haha”
With shaky hands she pressed the knife to my skin and dragged it across. She dropped to the floor like a sack of meat. Her eyes started to lose its focus and she lay on the floor with the broken petal still lying on her hand.
I walk to the corpse of a Youkai lying a small distance away. I took one look at its ugly head and I crushed it like I crushed my promise- beneath my foot. I did not grow strong enough. I could not seal Yuyuko’s power. I was the conductor of this orchestra of sadness. But this would end today. I would not cry. I would make sure this would never, ever, ever happen again. I would keep my promise, Yuyuko. I would not forget you. I would make all Youkai in this world bend to my rules. I would fight. I would keep my promise.
oOo
“M… er…we’ve….gho….Ha….ro….”
A muffled voice…No, ignore it, hibernation is much more important.
“Miss Hearn!”
A sharp voice this time. Wincing a little, I slowly open an eye, half lidded with sleep. ‘What a long dream…’
“Miss Hearn, we’ve received information about a ghost at Hakugyougoro” repeated the shikigami, with its voice as monotonous as an old university professor.
“A ghost at Hakugyogoro…” I murmured “Yes, it’s the sakura season now.”
The shikigami peered in incomprehension.
Dirt puffed up around me as I arrived at Hakugyogoro. While a dark portal, a single eye was glaring at my back, I ignored it. At the center of the garden was a large dead cherry blossom tree, of which the branches were rotten and the trunk riddled with decay. Beneath the tree stood a ghostly girl with pale pink hair, maroon eyes, wearing a light water-blue kimono.
I felt an unknown sensation on my face. It’s wet and a little salty.
“Y-Yuyuko…” I murmured, with my body beyond my control. I stumbled forwards, and my parasol dropped from my grasp.
The girl turned, and her maroon eyes met with mine. “Hm? Hello, my name is Yuyuko-”
I grabbed the ghost girl’s shoulders. “Saigyouji Yuyuko. It’s really you? It’s truly you?!” and without waiting for her response I hold her in a close embrace. Tears rolled down my cheek for the first time in five hundred years.
“Y-Yes, my name is Yuyuko Saigyouji…I think” the ghost awkwardly tapped me on the back, “and who are you? Ah, sorry…I’ve got a headache and I can’t really remember anything…”
Stepping back, I tried to keep my voice as level as possible. “Yuyuko, I’m Mari-”
“…Am I still Maribel Hearn?” I look at my body, enhanced far beyond the realm of man, a person who kept their promise and who is capable of crossing the boundaries of life and death… “Just who am I and what am I fighting for?”
I take a deep breath.
“I am the overseer and protector of Gensokyo, the Border of Phantasm.” I unfolded my paper fan with a small smile, “My name is Yukari Yakumo.
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Ariezza
Promised Arclight
Posts: 615
There is now only a white phantom that looks like you
Favorite Game: Double Dealing CharacterFavorite Character: Satori KomeijiCustom Title: Promised ArclightMini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://i.imgur.com/udbtmBy.png","color":""}Mini Profile Text Color: ffffffMini-Profile Name Color: ffffffOverride Avatar (Auto-Extended Mini-Profile): Enable
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Post by Ariezza on Jan 28, 2015 6:29:30 GMT
Note: This is a judge's pseudo-entry. Which, as you guys all know, is not an official direct participation in the competitive part =3=
As requested, the identity of the writer of this piece is going to be kept secret for now <3 The Sun and the Flower -Chapter 2
Marisa looked blearily through the window, it was still night time, a starless night time. She shook her head, dispelling the ominous feeling building in her chest and regained her focus. Eyes falling on the paraphernalia of ingredients scattered throughout the table, she pondered on her possibilities. Poisons, explosives, paralyzing potions, she had thought about them all but in her mind, the drawbacks they offered outweighed the advantages.
Every possible worst case scenario was flashing through her mind and she started shaking against her own will. But she steeled herself, just like she had in the Garden of the Sun - because Marisa was a liar. It was a well-known fact. “Marisa Kirisame is a liar, a terrible one at that, it almost seems like she isn’t even trying” would be what everyone in Gensokyo would say. Their assessment was accurate: yes, she wasn’t even trying, and yes, she was a terrible liar but not in the way they thought – the fact she fooled others to believe she was bad at lying was her greatest lie and that was exactly what made her a terrible liar.
Once gain she scanned the items on her table, there were piles of open books here and there, tiny flasks with colorful substances glowed mysteriously next to her luminous mushroom vase, tiny labelled boxes were scattered around containing everything from herbs to crystals. She ran her hand through blonde locks of hair. That wouldn’t work, that wouldn’t work either… Her eyes stopped in a thin steel plaque and grew bigger as an idea formed in her head.
Yes, throughout her short, human life she had come to realize that lying had its perks. Granted, everyone expects everyone else to lie, unless you’re an oni, but if one knows someone is terrible at lying, they won’t expect them to be able to lie. And contrary to popular belief, Marisa Kirisame was a terrific liar. She could lie through her teeth, smiling while she did it, manipulating people as if they were mere puppets without even breaking a sweat.
‘Alice…’ She clenched her hand. And that was exactly why, back then, she pretended she hadn’t noticed that very familiar aroma of hibiscus and rosehips, Alice’s favorite perfume. A fragrance she so closely associated to the puppet master that it was engraved in her mind, Alice’s scent.
Scanning the open blue leathered book in front of her, she grabbed one of her round bottom flasks, her other hand touching it lightly as a magic sigil appearing in front of her palm, glowing in a yellow light. When the light subsided, the glass had turned into a bluish hue and the witch hit the flask against the table with enough force to break it, yet it didn’t. Serious eyes looked at the glass object in her hand as she snapped her finger, the glass returning to its usual color. She hit it again, effectively breaking it and nodded to herself in approval. This had to work.
Morning came followed swiftly by the afternoon but to Marisa it felt like eternity. Waiting for the right time to strike was essential, any good strategist would know that, but with each passing second she grew more anxious, more worried and angrier.
When night fell, Marisa made her move. Clenching her broom tightly, she quickly flew her way to the Garden of the Sun. The leaves rustled as the girl landed soundlessly and made her way to Yuuka’s house, minding her surroundings as she went. Any doubt she could have about Yuuka’s involvement were swept away when the witch noticed the thick curtains covering the windows, something counterintuitive for a flower youkai, especially during spring.
“Well…” A voice full of sweetness rang, making Marisa jump a little. “I though seeing you yesterday was queer, but seeing you again in such a short amount of time is even more peculiar.” Smiling, Yuuka approached Marisa from the middle of the sleeping sunflowers, her closed parasol in her hand.
“Isn’t it ‘peculiar’ for you to be up at this time of the night?” She shot back, not a single drop of amusement adorned her voice.
“Firefly hunting~” The green haired woman stated simply with a satisfied smile that made Marisa’s stomach churn. Red orbs observed Marisa as she went quiet. The cold night wind wiped her golden tresses around wildly and her bright amber eyes regarded her from behind the shadow casted by her hat. Yes, those relentless eyes, so similar to the blue ones that had weakly but resolutely glared into hers that afternoon. Maybe Marisa was a flower too?
Unfaltering, the witch walked towards her with determined steps, hand firmly clenched around her broom, halting a few seconds later. It was surprising how Marisa looked imposing, incredibly so. Was Marisa that tall before? No, it was just her, she had almost forgotten it - Marisa wasn’t a flower, Marisa was the sun.
“Why, hibiscus and rosehips?” “Excuse me?” “Why do you smell like hibiscus and rosehips?”
Yuuka tilted her head, pondering. She didn’t have any hibiscus so that didn’t make any… The youkai’s eyes darkened as it clicked in her mind. She chuckled, her smile broadening.
“I suppose… There’s no use to keep the masquerade going.” Despite being found out, Yuuka seemed to relax even more than she was previously. Playing the liar was entertaining, but it wasn’t one of her favorite hobbies – breaking and twisting was something she enjoyed far better.
“Where’s Alice?” The witch asked, her voice calm yet her body shaking with barely-contained anger. What a display. “She’s in there, isn’t she?”
Yuuka chuckled, eyes calmly observing the witch, leaving her question unanswered. “WHERE IS SHE?!” She bellowed, baring her teeth like a rabid animal of sorts.
The flower youkai smiled broadly, apparently drowning in self-satisfaction for causing Marisa’s outburst. She gritted her teeth. No, Marisa couldn’t let Yuuka play her, she had to focus, to keep calm. She could be as reckless as she wanted later but not now, not when Alice was on the line. That was why she had planned everything, why she had waited, against every fiber of her being, for night time.
“If you want to know, why don’t you beat it out of me?” She tilted her head once again, this time not bothering with maintaining her gentle façade. A taunting smirk was spread on her face as if teasing, no, daring Marisa to do something. Yuuka knew, as well as Marisa, that the only way to settle this was through fighting and both knew who was the strongest out of the two.
Marisa’s golden eyes were locked on Yuuka’s, unwavering and determined, burning with something Yuuka couldn’t quite put her finger on. Was it pure anger? No, there was something else…
A small glow and three cards materialized in the girl’s hand as she glared at Yuuka, her voice coming in a semi-growl. “Three Spell Cards, call them.”
With a swift movement, Yuuka smacked Marisa’s hand with her parasol, dispelling the cards and earning a wince from the girl. She pointed it directly at her face. “If you are that eager to fight me, then fight for real and leave those childish games for your little friends, human.”
Without any warning, Marisa swung her broom against Yuuka, clearly unfazed by the menacing tone she had used when uttering her previous sentence. The youkai tilted her body back, easily avoiding the swing, but she didn’t expect the girl to react as quickly as she did – mini-hakkero ready in her free hand, she blasted a blue laser beam against her opponent.
It was by pure luck the beam didn’t hit her squarely on the face, instead it grazed her right cheek making a small trail of bloody run down her face. Stunned, Yuuka looked at Marisa. There was no fear, no reluctance in her semblance, the blonde was completely focused on Yuuka as if she was in her own world, where only she and the youkai existed.
A crazed smile appeared in Yuuka’s features and she started laughing. This was indeed what she enjoyed the most, to break those who struggled, to stomp their futile determination down until nothing was left but fear and desperation.
“Ahahaha! How interesting it is to see you getting serious for once, Marisa! And with such a lovely moon we have tonight, why don’t we dance for a little while~?”
And with this the sunflowers woke up from their slumber and converged together, stretching far beyond to plummet down on Marisa in a mass of yellow and green.
Marisa quickly jumped to her broom, zipping out of the way as the flowery mass crushed the ground where she had stood seconds ago, leaving a crater to remind her of how serious her opponent was.
“Are your running away~? Why are you running away, hey, Marisa~?” Yuuka continued to laugh as the mass of flowers separated itself, each plant giving chase to the flying witch.
She watched as the green stems slithered after her like hungry snakes, closing in on her, and decided to act. “[Orreries Solar System]!” Six transparent orbs of different colors materialized around her and proceeded to shoot down the flowers, exploding them into smithereens with each beam shot.
This was her chance to get closer to Yuuka. Tilting her broom down, she nosedived towards her opponent, multi colored stars coming out of her broom and ornamenting the sky as she rocketed down as fast as she could.
“Maybe you just have a death wish.” Yuuka deadpanned as she saw Marisa approaching, more to her than anyone else. She casually pointed her parasol towards the witch, shooting her.
To Yuuka’s surprise, Marisa dodged it, feeling the warmth of the beam kissing her arm and burning her hat as she hold on to it with her hand.
“GRRRRAAAAH!!!” That was it. She would ram against that disgusting woman only stopping when she had reached the Forrest of Magic. …Or so she thought. Moments before hitting her target, a sunflower burst from the ground, hitting the end of her broom and sending her crashing to the ground with all the momentum she had gained. There was no time to react, all Marisa could do was wrap her arms around her head before she was sent tumbling through the ground like a rag doll.
A cloud of dust surrounded her as she slowly semi-opened her eyes. Miraculously, she had remained conscious, but she almost wished she hadn’t now that her body screamed in agony. Her left arm was twisted in a strange fashion which made it clear it was broken, along with some of her ribs, she was sure.
“Ack!” She coughed trying to catch her breath, breathing in more dust in the process as her eyes grew teary from both the dust and the pain. She failed to see as Yuuka approached her, slowly, as savoring the moment. She stomped her foot down on Marisa’s arm, smiling sweetly.
“GHHHhhh…” Marisa clenched her jaw, muffling a scream. Not in a million years would she give that disgusting hag that pleasure.
“You’re just like her. No wonder you love each other.” She bent down, putting more weight on her foot and observing Marisa closely as she squirmed. “But it didn’t take long to break her. She was calling your name too, ‘Marisa, Marisa!~’.” She smirked.
And in a flash, amber eyes opened shining with nothing but pure, unadulterated fury. From the mini-hakkero tightly clasped on her right hand came a continuous small beam, a makeshift light blade Marisa shoved against Yuuka’s leg, piercing it from one side to another.
Yuuka screamed as she scrambled back. It downed on her that it had been a while since someone had injured her in a fight. She gritted her teeth.
Swaying, Marisa slowly rose to her feet, eyes piercing Yuuka’s as if those too were blades. She stretched her arm to the side, mini-hakkero ready, the glowing bluish blade raging from it.
“A blade. How fitting, Sir Kirisame.” Yuuka smiled, her voice wavering with rage despite her best efforts to sound unaffected.
With a growl Marisa pounced on Yuuka, swinging her blade down as Yuuka parried it with her parasol. The odds were heavily against her now that she had less one arm and couldn’t use all her cards, but they had been since the beginning. Even so, she refused to give up, she would fight and she would win.
A surge of adrenaline ran through her body as she dodged Yuuka’s strike, countering with a flurry of slashes as she danced nimbly around Yuuka, dust rising with each of her flips and dodges.
How annoying, how utterly annoying. Despite the human’s sorry state Yuuka couldn’t seem to land a strike. But the youkai had decided that playtime was over. Marisa stabbed at her and Yuuka stopped the beam with her hand, the blade piercing her palm as she clasped Marisa’s hand through it. The blonde tried to remove the hakkero but was too slow, Yuuka slammed her parasol against her ribs and sent her to the ground.
The witch hugged her chest for a second and she panted, beads of sweat rolling down her dirtied face.
“Having second thought about your knighthood?” Yuuka asked coldly, ignoring the blood dripping down her hand.
But to her shock, Marisa just smirked. “I wonder… about that…” She touched the ground with the back of her hand and something yellow glowed under Yuuka. The youkai looked down to realize that she was standing on an enormous magical circle, drawn on the ground . The glowing circles started spinning as the sigil charged, Yuuka came to realize, albeit too late, that something was preventing her from moving. All that dancing she had done while fighting, had it been just for that? She had underestimated Marisa’s ingenuity.
A fire blast came shooting up from the circle, enveloping whatever was in it in flames. The witch looked at the flames as the waned to find Yuuka on her knees, smoke coming out of her. Readying her mini-hakkero, Marisa stood up again. She would end this and---
“The ballroom is now closed.” Was all Marisa heard as she was got hit straight in her chest with a familiar multi-colored beam, sending her crashing through Yuuka’s house and destroying half of it in the process.
A loud crash jolted Alice from her half-asleep state. Something blasted through the wall behind her, taking part of the vine holding her against the wall with it.
Blue eyes went wide when she realized that that had blasted through the wall was someone she knew. A battered witch hat fell to the ground next to her.
“Ma…risa…!” She tried to yell but her voice got caught in her throat.
The witch stood there slumped over her right side, completely still, her face getting progressively redder as blood poured down a gash on her forehead. The sickening smell of burnt flesh invaded the air.
Time seemed to stop for Alice, or maybe it was her heart that had stopped? The puppet master’s eyes swelled with tears and yet she couldn’t utter a sound, she had forgotten how to breathe. Why had she come to rescue her? Why had she tried to fight someone that she knew was stronger? Why?! The answer was obvious and Alice knew it. Marisa fought because she loved her, because she had promised she would always protect her.
Tears ran down her face. “MARISA!!!”
Indeed, during her shot, human life, she had learned that lying had its perks, but there were some things that not even Marisa Kirisame could lie her way out of.
“Sleep well, Sir knight ♥~”
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Ariezza
Promised Arclight
Posts: 615
There is now only a white phantom that looks like you
Favorite Game: Double Dealing CharacterFavorite Character: Satori KomeijiCustom Title: Promised ArclightMini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://i.imgur.com/udbtmBy.png","color":""}Mini Profile Text Color: ffffffMini-Profile Name Color: ffffffOverride Avatar (Auto-Extended Mini-Profile): Enable
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Post by Ariezza on Jan 28, 2015 8:34:46 GMT
Note: This is a judge's pseudo-entry. And the name again is requested to be kept a secret =3=
Using our judges' words it's 'for scientific purposes'.
Sunset and Sunrise Reimu lay in the grass, watching the orange-tinted clouds in an attempt to find her usual carefree attitude. The weather wasn't gloomy. It had been nice all week. Everyone else in the human village was acting cheerful, enjoying the summer. She hadn't heard about any youkai incidents. It was boring, actually. Something felt out of place, though. A sense of unease had been bothering her for days, as if a sign of problems to come. Of course, it might have just been something she ate. Marisa probably snuck some poisonous mushrooms into her food for fun.
No, that couldn't be it. Marisa hasn't been here for... days. Since that day she asked me about Alice.
What was it that happened to Alice?
Reimu got to her feet, twirling a lock of hair in her hand as she thought. Whatever was going on with Alice, it was still a problem, or Marisa would be back. Even if Alice was a youkai herself, youkai were chaotic and unpredictable. It was entirely possible she was spirited away regardless of species, in which case, they could be anywhere.
But then again, Marisa might have been looking for Alice for an entirely different reason. She had told Reimu many times about her feelings for the eccentric puppeteer. Reimu had told her to just confess to her already, every time. It couldn't be that hard, all of Gensokyo could see that they were practically girlfriends already. There was no way Alice would have rejected her. But Alice was a hermit for a reason. She might have reacted badly to an overt display of emotion, and that would hurt Marisa nearly as badly. If Marisa had been looking for Alice to talk to her and been hurt, holing up in her house or a friend's house to mope would be very Marisa-like. She was normally relaxed, but Reimu knew from experience that her devil-may-care attitude was armor for a naive and trusting heart.
Checking a specific nearby place, or looking all over for suspicious youkai? While an incident sounds more entertaining, going to Marisa's house is faster. No reason to do things the hard way, and I can ask some people in the Human Village about her on the way.
Reimu retrieved her purification rod from the shrine, just in case, then set out toward the forest.
-
Gensokyo looked tiny and insignificant from the sky. The Forest of Magic spread out beneath her, a mossy green carpet. Marisa thought she could see a multicolored haze from the poisonous mushroom spores, but it might have been her imagination. There was her house, and Kourindou.
And Alice's house. Marisa looked away. The Human Village was just a short distance away, little more than a cluster of buildings from this height. She couldn't distinguish her family's shop from the rest. There was the Hakurei Shrine, barely visible, and the brilliant yellow of the Garden of the Sun.
It had already been twelve days since she spoke to Yuuka. Eighteen days since she had last seen Alice. Nearly three weeks. They hadn't been talking much. Marisa had spent too much time reading a spellbook she had borrowed from Patchouli, and Alice had been busy working on a new, "perfect" doll. Marisa remembered it having silver hair and a quirky smile. She suspected Alice based its appearance on her mother.
Damn, I was an idiot. I should have told her exactly how I felt sooner. I should have spent more time with her, instead of stupid magic tricks. Or maybe that was the problem, and I didn't give her enough space...
Marisa shook her head roughly as if it to clear it of doubt, closing her eyes against the braids slapping her face. Her broom swayed and bobbed in the air. Marisa felt an odd movement, and opened her eyes. Her hat tumbled past her leg, bouncing slightly off her foot as she leaned dangerously far trying to grab it. Her fingers brushed against slick black cloth for a moment, before the hat slipped out of her reach. She watched it falling pitifully to the ground, as if mirroring her sinking heart. None of the unpleasant thoughts had been dislodged from her mind.
She closed her eyes again, slumping until her head touched the wooden broomstick, blotting out even the distant Gensokyo. Seeing hurt. There was nowhere she didn't have memories of time spent with Alice. If those memories didn't feel so much like a twisted knife in her gut, she might have spent more time searching Makai. But being there was unbearable. Remembering when she had first met Alice there. Arriving with so much hope of finding her, seeing her again, only for it to be shattered day after day. Yuki and Mai's concern when they heard their sister was missing, Shinki's gracefully hidden sorrow, Yumeko's earnest attempts to help, and Louise's obnoxious curiosity only added to her pain. They would keep up the search anyway. If Alice was in Makai, she would be found safely.
Marisa forced herself upright, opening her eyes again. The moon had started to rise, though no stars shone through the clouds. It was getting cold. Her hands were numb, locked around the broom. She didn't remember what a good night's sleep felt like. It was time to leave her aerial haven for the night. Even with magic, falling off her broomstick would still be possible. She gazed down at the forest below her.
Might not be so bad. The Netherworld is nice and peaceful. Maybe there I could get away from the memories... I wonder, what would she think? Would she miss me, or mourn, if she heard that I died? If she heard it was because of her? Would she regret abandoning me, regret not even giving me a word of explanation?
Marisa shook her head again. It could wait until tomorrow. If she could choose her death, it would wait until the morning sun was up and the birds were singing her dirge. Not in this gloom when the night skulkers would feast on her body. She descended slowly, prolonging the time before Alice could haunt her dreams as much as possible. The lonely night was only just starting.
If she wished to stay in Makai with her family... If she wished to not be found by Marisa, to be forever missing to her... So be it. That was her right.
-
"I thought I'd find you here."
Marisa slammed the door closed, glaring at Reimu. The shrine maiden was sitting on Marisa's bed, munching on an apple as red as her clothes, a recently-borrowed book open in her lap. Her purification rod was propped against a wall upside-down.
"What the hell do you think you're doing here?" Marisa hissed, carefully stepping over stray books, clothes, and a sake dish on the floor to stand a few inches in front of Reimu. Reimu continued smiling stupidly, setting the book aside.
"I remembered I hadn't seen you for a while, and was concerned. So, like a good friend, I came to check on you." Reimu chirped, before taking a bite of apple. "It's about Alice, right?"
"Get out. I don't want to see you," Marisa mumbled. She looked at her chair, objects stacked on it, and sat down on the floor. Somehow even moving a basket and some books seemed like too much effort. "I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to see you, I don't want to see Yumeko, I don't want to see Rinnosuke, and I don't want to see me, either."
"You want to see Alice." It wasn't a question. Marisa hated that right then about Reimu, how quickly she saw through things sometimes.
"I want Alice to want to see me," she corrected, picking at a splinter in her finger. Probably from holding her broom for so long.
"Why do you think she doesn't?" Reimu asked, using that hideous condescending you're-unhappy-so-look-at-me-I'm-calm tone of voice.
"Maybe because I haven't seen her in weeks! Or because she never told me where she was going! Maybe because I'm a rude, selfish, insensitive idiot and I can't even blame her!" Marisa broke down into sobs, turning away to hide her tears and flinging her fist blindly to where she thought Reimu's face might be. She felt only air. She heard no reply.
"If you're here to comfort me, you're doing a damn awful job of it." Marisa tried to sound angry, but her voice came out whimpery and pathetic.
"Yeah, I never claimed to be good at that," Reimu admitted. She sounded like she meant it. "I'll tell you this, though. You got the idiot part right. Anyone could see that you were the only person in Gensokyo Alice was happy around. Don't let yourself doubt that."
"Then why did she leave? Why didn't she talk to me?" Marisa turned to face Reimu again, glaring at her. Red and white reflected off tears in her eyes like a kaleidoscope. "She said she would be the last one to cry."
"If you don't have any idea why she left, I think it's likely that it wasn't something she planned," Reimu commented, with an odd energy in her voice.
"What," Marisa started to say, sniffling. "What do you mean?"
"Alice is a pretty tough magician, yeah, but everyone lets their guard down. I think it's much more likely than something happened to her than that she's been avoiding you for so long." Typical Reimu, seeing everything as a potential incident. Still, it was a little bit of hope.
"I looked everywhere. I asked so many people if they'd seen her," Marisa argued, trying not to give into that hope. If it shattered again, she doubted she would ever recover.
"You can't have looked everywhere. Everywhere is a lot of places." Reimu insisted. "Come on, Marisa, this isn't like you. Have a little faith in Alice. Take your usual shoot-first attitude and keep looking."
"If you're wrong, Reimu... If you're wrong, and she doesn't want to see me, it'll be even more painful to have to be told to leave her," Marisa whispered, gazing at the hem of her dress.
"Were you acting like such an idiot about it last week? What changed since then? It couldn't have been Alice." Reimu's voice was stern now, almost angry. Marisa couldn't look back up at her.
Reimu is right, really. It took so little for me to fall apart. A week ago, I would have torn up every last blade of grass if that was what I had to do to find her. I am no Sir Kirisame, boldly going to rescue my beautiful and spunky princess. I'm just a stupid girl, a stupid weak girl.
"You don't think it's too late, right...?" she asked quietly. She looked at Reimu's feet, still unable to meet her eyes.
"I'm sure it's not. We'll find her, Marisa. Wherever she is," Reimu declared, a bit too happily. Marisa nodded, quickly becoming lost in thought about what to do next. If not her usual cheerful reverie, it was at least not despair. "Get some sleep, Marisa, or you won't be in fighting shape tomorrow! We set out at dawn!" Reimu bounced to her feet, skipping slightly. Marisa stood up enough to collapse onto the bed now that Reimu had vacated it.
"I won't be defeated, retreat, or falter. Not again. I'll find her." She spoke to no one in particular, engraving her determination into her mind before sleep could steal it.
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Ariezza
Promised Arclight
Posts: 615
There is now only a white phantom that looks like you
Favorite Game: Double Dealing CharacterFavorite Character: Satori KomeijiCustom Title: Promised ArclightMini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://i.imgur.com/udbtmBy.png","color":""}Mini Profile Text Color: ffffffMini-Profile Name Color: ffffffOverride Avatar (Auto-Extended Mini-Profile): Enable
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Post by Ariezza on Jan 28, 2015 11:48:43 GMT
Last entry on last minutes! =3= So we've reached the amount of entries we had last round, 13 entries~
Wait warmly until the end of WPhase, which will come soon! Struggle of an ImmortalA loud, continuous, bloodcurling scream.
That was all I could hear. That was all I wanted to hear. I didn't care about anything else. I just wanted to hear my own voice overwhelm my senses. I wished I could scream forever. It was my only protection from the reality that I desperately refused to acknowledge.
I couldn't keep up with it any more. My voice faded. And then I was reminded of why I was screaming in the first place.
I could feel my skin burning through my entire body, to the extent that I expected to hear my own flesh sizzling as it was being pressed by red-hot iron plates. I've been in this state ever since I woke up just now, but my outburst helped me forget the pain until I was just barely able to endure it.
As I started to accept the pain that I was experiencing, I became conscious of my surroundings. There were a lot of people gathering around. Of course, my scream must have drawn their attention.
"Cirno!"
As I heard my name being called, I started recalling where I was. I was lying down on a bed. I recognized this room as being one of the areas where the wounded were treated. The victims of the war. I must have been severely injured to have been taken here. And now I have to deal with this intense pain. No, wait, that's not right. There was a simple way out. All of the fairies that fought with me in the war were fully aware of it.
"Kill me." That was all I said. The people around me would understand. I'm a fairy, after all. I would respawn in a few hours and then I would be back on the battlefield, and soon forget the pain I've experienced today. I had to keep fighting. The face of a young green-haired fairy came to my mind. I had to do what I could to protect the peace that she treasures so much.
"I don't think that's a good idea, Cirno." was the reply. I looked at the speaker. It was a silver-haired lady with a red and blue uniform. She looked familiar, but I clearly never cared about her enough to recall who she was. She was standing next to a girl, no, a rabbit, with long purple hair and bright red eyes.
"Master Eirin", the rabbit spoke, "You don't need to waste time with fairies. They're going to respawn anyway. It's the mortals that you should be tending to inste-"
"Hush, Udonge", the lady named Eirin cut her off. Then she turned towards me and spoke, "Cirno, you need to understand your own situation before making a decision like that. Do you want to hear what I have to say?"
Ah, I remember the name Eirin now. She was the immortal being that always tended to the wounded. Although the searing pain still flowed through my body, and I would have preferred to die quickly, I was already becoming accustomed to the pain and decided I might as well hear what Eirin had to say. There must be a reason why she would be concerned about a fairy like me. "Go ahead" I said coldly, as if I couldn't care less either way.
Eirin made a simple hand motion, probably a sign for all the other people in the room. They seem to have understood that Eirin had everything under control and began to leave. Eirin waited until only me, Eirin, and the rabbit remained in the room, before she began to explain.
"You've been hit by a deadly curse. I recognize the symptoms, you're not the first victim in this horrible war. It's really horrifying what you can encounter in a war void of spellcard rules. This curse is corrupting your brain, causing your senses to go haywire. It would start off with intense pain that would only get worse until it reaches the stage where you could no longer feel anything. You'd also have a harder time in just contracting your muscles as the curse progresses. Within a week, the curse will kill your brain and you'll die"
"Master Eirin", the rabbit spoke up again, "I'm sure you're aware that Cirno is well-known as a huge idiot. You can't seriously be expecting her to have a clue about what you said."
"Oh, dear, Udonge", Eirin replied, "Did you fall for that rumor too? She may appear to be an idiot, but she's actually a lot more intelligent than you'd think."
I was amazed. The truth was that I actually never bothered to concern myself with details that didn't seem particularly important for me. This caused me to become clueless about many things, leading people to believe that I was an idiot. I often didn't care about what method I would achieve my objectives, which sometimes gave the impression that I lacked common sense. I never bothered to correct these opinions because I simply never cared about what others think of me, except for the people I myself cared about. But for Eirin to see right through this false perception, I became really impressed.
"So why not just let me die quickly so that I can respawn?" I asked.
"Because", Eirin answered, "as I said, the curse is corrupting your brain. Even if you are killed prematurely, the curse will accelerate to its full extent within a few seconds and destroy your brain anyway, before you can respawn. This curse is a truly spectacular piece of dark magic. Even with all my medical skills, the curse would almost instantly corrupt your brain if there is any interference. Once your brain is extinguished through either of these processes... you will lose all your memories."
Memories? I bolted upright immediately, despite my pain. My situation was far worse than I had imagined...
"Like you, I can't be killed permanently," Eirin continued, "This is why I can appreciate the emotional suffering of immortals far more than a mortal's desire to live. As an eternal being, losing the memories of everything I hold dear is my greatest fear. It aches my heart to inform you that your memory loss is inevitable, Cirno. You still have your memories for now though. It's entirely your decision on what to do."
Eirin then left the room, with the rabbit following behind her, leaving me sitting alone in the bed with a pale face, digesting everything I just heard, forgetting all about the intense pain that plagued me.
---
Scrunch. The sound of snow being crushed under my feet. I glanced behind me to see a trail of footprints. I deliberately tried to walk in zigzags so I can see the trails changing. The sound and the trail were the only things that assured me that I was still walking. All I could feel with my own two feet was the burning pain that encompassed me. It's been a few hours since I left the base. I couldn't fly, because it was physically impossible for me to continuously maintain the effort of remaining airborne. I had to walk the whole way through. This was my decision.
Thinking about Dai helped me keep moving. I recalled the moment when she first confessed to me. I loved her for a long time, but I never had the courage to tell her my feelings until that day. I was actually shocked that she would confess to me first. I was too afraid of making a commitment at that time. Before that, I've spent my life as a happy-go-lucky fariy, doing whatever I feel like without a care in the world. I knew that this would likely change if I started going out with Dai. I was scared of change. It took me a while before I finally replied to her, accepting her feelings.
---
The pain was getting worse. I've been feeling an additional sharp sensation for a while now. I felt like I was being diced by a cleaver while I lay on an outdoor griller over raging flames. I no longer had the strength to stand and was kneeling down with both my hands on the ground. Ever since I left the base, deep in my mind, I knew it was impossible for me to reach the misty lake on foot within just a week. But I refused to give up. I had to do this. I felt like I've walked for an eternity. And I'm going to keep persisting, no matter how painful it is. I forced myself to crawl through the snow. I had to keep moving.
I kept reminding myself of what a coward I used to be. Every time Dai would ask me to kiss her, I would just awkwardly change the subject as if I hadn't heard her. She must have known that I was deliberately refusing her request. I continued to fear change, and I knew I wouldn't be able to turn back once I kissed her.
Dai knew that I've been trying to avoid kissing her, and she likely figured that I was trying to run away from change. Would she ask me out again if I lost all my memories? Or would she figure that it would probably be for the best if we weren't going out and were living our carefree lives? If I lose my memories now, I would likely lose the potential future of me and Dai living as a couple. It was only after I became cursed with inevitable memory loss, when this potential future was being threatened, that I realized that I truly and definitely wanted to make it a reality.
---
I couldn't handle it anymore. I've almost completely lost control over my own body. I couldn't keep crawling anymore, and I fell, turning my face up, lying on the snow. Was I really so pathetic, after all?
I used to be famous for my persistence. I wouldn't give up and would always keep fighting for whatever I sought. I was so proud of it that I used to declare myself as being the "strongest". Even during the war, I kept throwing myself onto the front lines and fought as hard as I could. No, I was not truly fighting, I understand now. There was nothing I feared on the battlefield, and I've died and respawned many times.
But this was my first real fight. If I can't make it to Dai, I would lose the future of the two of us being a couple. I have to make it clear to her what I truly wanted, before I lose the memory of going out with her. Now I'm physically incapable of even crawling, as I lay, collapsed in the snow. I've failed...
That was when I heard a voice, that I could barely discern.
"What a drag... If Master commanded me to eventually carry her anyway, why would she order me to leave her alone and follow her, invisible, until she collapsed? This is so inefficient..."
As I was closing my eyes, I could see that the scenery beyond my vision was moving rapidly, as if I was leaping backwards at extraordinary distances.
---
"Cirno!"
When I woke up, my entire body was numb. The pain was gone, but I couldn't feel anything at all. This must be the final phase of the curse.
"Cirno..."
I recognized that voice... I turned to find Dai sitting right next to me. It's been two years since I last saw her. Back then, I imagined that our reunion to involve smiles in both of our faces as I emerge victorious from the war, flying to her arms and hugging her in midair. I could not have anticipated that it would turn out like this, with me lying on the snow, completely numb, while Dai crouched down with a worried look on her face.
"Dai..." I started. She looked so relieved to finally hear my voice again. "I'm not going to make it, Dai, but I needed to tell you this."
I continued, "I love you, Daiyousei. I don't want to live a carefree independent life. I want the two of us to live together as a couple, sharing our happiness. No matter happens to me, my only wish is for this future to become a reality."
Before Dai could respond, I used the last of my strength to pull myself up, and kiss Dai on the lips. She looked surprised at first, and then she accepted it and kissed me back. This was our first kiss... I wish I could have actually felt her lips touching mine, but I was robbed of that privilege. But I could tell from her expression that she was affected by our contact, and that was enough to satisfy me.
After we separated, Dai steeled herself before she responded. "I understand, Cirno. I promise that I will fulfill your wish; no matter what happens. Thank you..."
She probably couldn't grasp my current situation, but she understood what I needed to tell her. After I die and lose my memories, Dai would try to initialize the relationship again. We would finally be able to start behaving like an actual couple, and start from scratch. Only now did I truly understand how it felt to win a serious fight, overcoming great struggles to achieve your greatest desire.
I sank down, resting on Dai's lap and closed my eyes. Everything will be okay now.
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Ariezza
Promised Arclight
Posts: 615
There is now only a white phantom that looks like you
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Post by Ariezza on Jan 28, 2015 12:00:31 GMT
Such a little quiet world in which I am residing.
Perhaps it has a secret path that leads to the world of yours, which I haven't found yet.
xXx Round 2 xXx
Voting Phase
. Exactly 336 hours have passed since the beginning of Second round's Writing Phase. This round has been quieter than the previous, such peaceful feelings sometimes worry me if this still fascinates everyone. Perhaps I will always be living through these emotions until the WriCom has truly ended.
As Writing Phase has now officially ended, allow me to announce the beginning of Voting Phase, which will last for 168 hours. This is the important time where everyone, be it writers or spectators, may impact the results in a way!
(Note: Remember to pay the Meatball Casino a visit~)
xXx Submitted Entries xXx
(Number of Submitted Entries: 13) Entries sorted by date of submission.
~ Voting System~ Votes' Rules
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A post is considered eligible when and only when it:
-Gives each of the entries a score. -Gives each of the entries a review explaining the reason behind the score. -Is written with a constructive, co-operative mindset.
Each non-judge may only vote once, but will be able to edit their own votes freely before the end of the Voting Phase.
Voting is not mandatory. Not voting will not result in any form of penalty in your entry's score.
Should a writer decide to review, writers must score and review their own entry along all other entries. However, writers' score for their own entries will not be taken into account while calculating the points (refer to the FAQs for writers section for more information on this rule).
Self-review must be done in a fashion that does not reveal the identity of the writer of that entry.
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Frequently Asked Questions- For Voters
Q: In my vote, may I only score/review some certain entries and leave out the rest?A: An eligible entry must score and review all entries we have thus far (13 entries), as stated in the Voting Rules. Votes that fail to do that are not qualified.oOo Q: How long and detailed must my review for an entry be, to make it eligible? Am I required to write paragraphs or apply highly advanced techniques of reviewing? (horrified face)A: No specified length or technique is required. You need not be eloquent or skilled, all we hope from you is that you voice your opinions. It may consist of a few sentences, 1-2 lines as long as it consists of the information we wish to hear from you. Simply be yourself and say what you wish to.oOo Q: The process of making a post is just so tedious!A: This process is formed and applied after several changes, taking balance, activity and level of impact that votes may have to the final result into consideration. While we are aware this may come off as slightly tedious, we trust that you, you who wishes to support our writing competition, will not let it become a challenge that prevents you from voting!oOo
Q: I'm harsh and strict by nature. How will I comment on an entry without being considered flaming?A: We do understand different individuals may have glaringly different styles of review, and the line between harsh criticism and personal attack may be blurry. To avoid such sorry situations, please try to give reviews with a positive mindset, with the intention of pointing out strong and weak points of the entry, not the writer. Please refer here to see what may be considered flaming.For a definition of flaming: Flame -- refers to inflammatory (rude, cruel, mean, hateful, unjust) remarks made about an author or their work. Not all criticism is automatically a flame, but it can be subjective to the author's sensitivity, so care should be taken to distinguish constructive criticism if sending feedback. Flaming is widely considered very bad etiquette.oOo Q: I have no idea how to write my vote!A: You are to score all entries and write short reviews for all entries. Really short will also do. And luckily, we have prepared an optional template that voters may use and fill in for the sake of convenience. For the BBcode of the template, please click here.
~Optional Voting Template~
Entry No. 1: Hijiri's LamentScore: Review: oOo
Entry No. 2: A throne to call her own
Score:
Review:
Entry No. 3: Thank youScore: Review: oOo
Entry No. 4: Poisonous MelancholyScore: Review: oOo
Entry No. 5: Ascent up the Mountain
Score:
Review:
oOo
Entry No. 6: Beacon of Atonement
Score:
Review:
oOo
Entry No. 7: The youkai that wouldn't give up
Score:
Review:
oOo
Entry No. 8: Empty Chairs and Empty Tables
Score:
Review:
oOo
Entry No. 9: Fixing a Crapsack World
Score:
Entry No. 10: Why me?
Score:
Review:
oOo
Entry No. 11: A past can change!
Score:
Review:
oOo
Entry No. 12: A promise upon a Cherry Blossomed Night
Score:
Review:
oOo Entry No. 13: Struggle of an Immortal
Score:
Review:
Frequently Asked Questions- For Writers
Q: Why must writers score and review their own entries if the scores we give will not be taken into account?
A: Such rule was made with the intention of giving writers an opportunity to reflect on the entries that have been written for a period of time in mind. This rule is also able to preserve anonymity by not allowing members to figure out the identities of writers by taking notice of what entry is not mentioned in one's vote.
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A: You are to inform the organizers as soon as possible via PM. Flame-reporting PMs need to have: link to the flame post, a screenshot of the flame post and brief explanation about the reason you think it is a flame. As flames also violate the forum's Code of Conduct, you may also consider reporting the post.
Our system is designed to take writers' best interests into consideration, therefore we will not hesitate to take actions to defend writers and their works. Despite that, we strongly ask you to read through the flaming review a few times in a neutral and objective point of view. A review that is harsh, using slightly rude language with opinions contrasting your opinions may not necessarily be flame.
Think twice before filing your accusation. You are to take full responsibility for your actions.
Second round's Voting Phase will start now- 12:00 PM GMT, Wednesday, January 28th 2015.
Second round's Voting Phase will end at- 12:00 PM GMT, Wednesday, February 4th 2015.
Please refrain from posting questions in this thread- for further questions, contact the organizers via PM/IM or post in the discussion thread.
We're going to reunite very soon, so please wait warmly!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2015 12:56:59 GMT
First batch of reviews woo~ Hijiri's LamentScore: 6/10 A short, fairly simplistic poem that is carried pretty much entirely by its unusual gimmick of being readable two ways, but it is marred by some odd grammatical choices ("But this ignored") and a lack of stanza division possibly confusing some readers. This seems to have been made for being read four verses at a time, but the lack of spacing can make one read it as one big continuous thing, where it's not nearly as effective. A Throne to Call her OwnScore: 5/10 Fairly solid action that's marred by a lack of proofreading and motivations that are hard to understand. Thank youScore: 3/10 I can tell that the writer attempted to write this from a first-person POV (Marisa) but the way chosen to convey that does not make for a good read. It has significant flow problems due to a lack of punctuation. Poisonous MelancholyScore: 7/10 That parallel lives idea is an interesting one for sure, but there are some aspects of the story that could use more fleshing out, such as Susan's radical change of attitude and the deaths of the two characters. While the first one gets somewhat of a pass for that character not being as central as Medicine, both their deaths don't. Ascent Up the MountainScore: 5.5/10 Clearly a retelling of MoF from a first-person perspective, it's much better paced than "Thank you". Granted, while the protagonist's motives to fight are there, the story really didn't captivate me a whole lot - maybe it's due to its nature as a retelling of MoF that tries to downplay the action and focus on the originally limited storytelling.
Beacon of AtonementScore: 9/10 Superb write on how Murasa came to be. Quite a balanced write that brings us several interesting points. While it's not sad or dramatic, it is a fun, dynamic, captivating read. Only needed a bit more description on how Murasa came to meet the rest of the Myouren Temple clan. The Youkai that wouldn't give upScore: 4.5/10 Unconvincing self-questioning on the Hakurei Miko's part, at least until the very end, is a significant problem in this fic. Why would she fight? Furthermore, the dead youkai's motivations are only really clear at the very end of the fic. Empty Chairs and Empty TablesScore: 6.5/10 The enemy characters in this story aren't elaborated on too much, which makes it a bit hard to figure out why is Reimu fighting. Also, Seija in stage 4 makes my head spin with her confounding Commander Contrarian rhetoric. The song is also shrouded in mystery. Furthermore, the battle against the giant is too Deux ex Machina-y. Overall, a decently written piece that leaves too much hanging. Fixing a Crapsack WorldScore: 8.5/10 It makes you grow attached to a character, then it gets killed right in front of the other protagonist. It's a fic that attempts to make your heart clench and sympathize with Reimu. It's something that really tries hard to move you. Why me?Score: 1/10 Oh man, it's Love for an Eternity all over again. Too short, too shallow and too boring. A past can change!Score: 6/10 The story is fairly slow to get going and to set up Marisa's motivation to fight. Furthermore, Eiki comes off as a strange character in this fic - although not at first. Atonement by danmaku battle... plus the battle itself saw the Yama giving up too quickly and too easily. And Marisa's reasoning to fight was kinda forgotten about by the end of the fic. Also, some awkward phrasing and puntuation is thrown about but nothing that carries major negative effects. Lastly, cut back on the in-jokes, please (this is directed ay Aya's use of it; Marisa's reation to Kanako referring to her as a thief is fine). A promise upon a Cherry Blossomed NightScore: 10/10 A beautifully tragic story that expands upon one of Touhou's saddest backstories, full of very rich descriptions that really do a great job of getting the reader to connect with the characters within. As with Fixing a Crapsack World, it really tries hard to move you, but here it succeeds at this task. Struggle of an ImmortalScore: 8/10 Discovering that the title is a case of bait-and-switch and that the fic, even though it is focused on Cirno, does not use her as comic relief and keeps serious all the way, comes off as a double shock for some, but past this initial shock lay a rather moving tale of a fanmade pairing that could use a bit more elaboration on Cirno's curse, but is otherwise sad and riveting, even if not nearly as rich as A promise upon a Cherry Blossomed Night.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2015 14:27:32 GMT
I'll update the reviews as time passes. I can't do them all today since I'm busy and stuff. Struggle of an Immortal
Score: 10/10
Review: *claps* Good fucking job, Mr/Ms.Writer. This entry is just perfect. I... I f*cking cried. A worthy sequel to my last entry. ... No, actually. My last entry doesn't compare to this. I... I have nothing else to say. Good job. I'll give you a personal congratulation when the results are posted.
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Frelia, nyu
it's me
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Post by Frelia, nyu on Jan 28, 2015 15:37:19 GMT
REVIEWS B O Y S COME GET EM THEY'RE HOT AND PIPIN edit: scores outside to make a bug happy =================== Entry No. 1: Hijiri's LamentScore: 6/10 Review: Eh. I don't know how to review poems, so I'll just criticize the fact that this poem probably doesn't translate into a rap very well. The reverse thing is sugoi. =================== Entry No. 2: A Throne to Call Her OwnScore: 5/10 Review: It's usually "emerald green", because you're describing the green color. Ex: Blood red eyes/red blood eyes. There are a few run-on sentences that would benefit from being split into two; it's most noticeable in the second paragraph. An unmarked transition from current time to memory (third to fourth paragraph), and vice versa. There are a few oddly capitalized nouns (Gohei, Everyone), etc. Generally awkward lack of spell checking. Danmaku descriptions are a bit confusing to read, but I liked the Impossible Spell Card mechanics descriptions. (Broken-ass tanuki...)
That said, the story was interesting, and I could see a lot of potential if this were polished up. Could've explored a lot more of the relationship between Seija and Shinmyoumaru, had they talked a bit more before fighting, but I'd assume Seija would just take a cheap shot anyway. Reasonable, could be better, really needs spellcheck. =================== Entry No. 3: Thank youScore: 3.5/10 Review: Well, it's pretty short. The spoiler somehow contains more than the actual main body, though, which confuses me. Some odd capitalizations, and a shortage of commas -- the piece reads like someone had an entire case of energy drinks. I'm not reading that unspaced sentence. I get the feeling the spoiler would've been a better story on its own, though. Not sure why it needed to be an "alternate reality" thing. =================== Entry No. 4: Poisonous MelancholyScore: 5.5/10 Review: Holy crap this starts out dark. It's a reasonable amount of plot development for a short piece, but I feel like it could've been a bit more. Describing the girl's daily life at 7, for example, and showing her interacting with Medicine a bit more. 1100 words just doesn't feel sufficient, it's a case of lack of content more than anything else. Write more descriptive text, this was a good idea. =================== Entry No. 5: Ascent Up the MountainScore: 5.5/10 Review: A first-person retelling of Mountain of Faith, through Kirisame Marisa. It's not really bad at all. However, with this method of storytelling, you should try to consider how the person themselves (in this case, Marisa) would tell it to someone, maybe over a cup of tea and some dumplings. As it is, I feel like I'm listening to a retelling by Dio Brando, in which case I'd rather be reading a Sakuya story instead. That'd get a 10/10 from me. The atmosphere is kind of made a bit awkward with the stiff descriptive style. Overall, well-meaning idea, botched execution. =================== Entry No. 6: Beacon of AtonementScore: 9/10 Review: Murasa's backstory! The little captain sure gets bullied around a lot. There's a bit of confusion during the storm which (presumably?) sinks the ship, in which I'm not really sure what's going on with the person in the cabin. I assume it's the captain from later in the story, which I don't see the point of obfuscating, other than just being for the sake of "story complexity". I will say that I expected the rest of the story to go slowly, with the word count of ~3.4k, but it went by pretty fast. I don't have anything else to comment on, though. Good shit. =================== Entry No. 7: The Youkai that wouldn't give upScore: 7.5/10 Review: This thing was legit 2spooky to read. There were a few spelling/grammar mistakes that would've probably been caught if you ran through it a couple times, and a run-on sentence during the description of the inside of the house. If I close one eye to the errors, the atmosphere is set up very well. Props to yo momma. =================== Entry No. 8: Empty Chairs and Empty TablesScore: 8/10 Review: Is this some kind of fangame I haven't played yet? I get the feeling that it is. The Cirno throwback is amusing, I'll give you that. "He could fly faster than them, after all." Eh, I'm sure this is a minor error, but damn if it isn't hilarious. With respect to stage 3, plants are flora, not fauna. The revelation on the reason to Reimu's stark change in behavior at the start is pretty nicely done, without having to directly refer to it. Those 3000 words went by pretty quickly, which I consider to be a pretty good sign. Overall, onions. Fuck you, stop cutting the onions. =================== Entry No. 9: Fixing a Crapsack WorldScore: 5.5/10 Review: Calling the Scarlet Devil Mansion the "SDM" is a bit awkward, it's preferable to just call it "the mansion" afterwards. Why does Reimu call her own mother "senior" and not "mom" or some other? I'd say something about canon timeline and the mansion's appearance and whatnot but that's pedantic. Anyway, the descriptions are a bit cut short. For action sequences, I'd at least prefer more than "a fierce battle then ensued". What your descriptions need is a physical observation of what's happening to the character itself. For instance, Hakurei Sr. is faltering in her battle, but you could add something like "Her breathing was ragged, while normally controlled." It brings the story to life as you imagine a real thing happening to them. Otherwise, this piece isn't bad by any means, but it could use a lot of good fixes.
=================== Entry No. 10: Why me?Score: 1.5/10 =================== Entry No. 11: A past can change!Score: 4.5/10 Review: I really, really don't like script form, but I'll try to be as impartial as possible. The second line is already confusing to read. Don't really like the use of abbreviated "SDM", especially since there was no mention of the full name beforehand. I also can't say I like the *action* form either; it just seems like an inferior replacement of proper description. I don't really mind the dialogue-heavy story, it's just that the descriptions could be a little better at complementing it.
Marisa lying to Sanae is a good example; it's a lot better to, say, mention that she rolled her eyes, or grinned suspiciously, or whatever else. ... I was honestly expecting some big revelation but apparently it was just a test for "the new defender of Gensokyo"? Too anticlimactic. A bit of a disappointment, really. =================== Entry No. 12: A Promise upon a Cherry Blossomed NightScore: 5.5/10 Review: A breath of fresh air! The starting vibrant descriptions made me feel fluffy.
"With shaky hands she pressed the knife to my skin and dragged it across." This sentence is a bit confusing. Was Yuyuko dragging the knife across Maribel's skin, collapsing afterwards suddenly? I'm just going to make an assumption that it was Yuyuko suiciding according to context, but just I'm just pointing it out.
And... then it takes a complete 720 reversal into incomprehension. Who was the muffled voice that almost woke up Ms. Hearn from hibernation? Why exactly did Maribel suddenly go full epiphany transformation into Yukari? Where did this "Yukari" persona even come from? Is the entire thing a dream? Many questions arise. Honestly, if the last section was cut off, it would've been better. A rollercoaster of quality. I'm not sure what to think. =================== Entry No. 13: Struggle of an ImmortalScore: 9.5/10 Review: Extremely emotional. That's all I have to say. My only complaint is Reisen spoils the penultimate scene, as well as some miscellaneous grammatical stuff. Useless bunny, get the fuck out.
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Pikno
Vow of Silence
Posts: 293
"Youkai of the Oarfish."
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Post by Pikno on Jan 28, 2015 20:56:46 GMT
Before I begin, I'd like to say one thing, NOOOOT good at reviewing here....
Entry No. 1: Hijiri's Lament
Score: 9.5/10
Review: I love this one, really unique, I guess everyone decided to go with stories, but the rules have changed, the only reason why I didn't give it 10. I have noo idea how to judge poetry... (Why am I judging?!)
oOo
Entry No. 2: A throne to call her own
Score: 5/10
Review: I've noticed that there are spelling mistakes in this peice, I just can't believe the authour of this peice didn't spellcheck and proofread. I do ever love the fact that you w
oOo
Entry No. 3: Thank you
Score: 7/10
Review: Well, a story about Mima and Marisa... MIMA CONFIRMED GUYS. Anyway, I liked it but the whole spoiler thing for the extra part of the story confused me slightly. Also, there's some parts which confused me who is speaking (That may be just me being stupid at the moment.) And some issues with grammer, I'll find some examples later, expect more for this one. oOo
Entry No. 4: Poisonous Melancholy
Score: 9/10
Review: Out of all the stories I've read thus far, I enjoyed this one the most, I just love the fact that it's Mecidine's backstory. One of the issues for me atleast is the fact it isn't in paragraphs, to me atleast, it'd just make more sense for it to be in paragraphs. (Once again, I'll add more when I read it more carefully.) oOo
Entry No. 5: Ascent up the Mountain
Score: 6.5/10
Review: The plot of Mountain Of Faith staring the ever lovable Marisa. I like the format you used for this tale. However, even during my skim, I just felt that you skimmed stage 1 and 2 bosses (We need more love for underated characters.), and I'd love to see those two get steamrolled into obivilion. I didn't see any spelling issues. (I spelt that wrong.) oOo
Entry No. 6: Beacon of Atonement
Score: 9.5/10
Review: Such a beatuifel and tragic story. CAPTAIN MUTHE- No. Backstory of Captain Murasa and I wholeheartly approve of this story. If I can find any faults here, I didn't see any but I just looove this tale, I don't think I can express this enough... The only issue I have with this tale is the fact it takes soo long for Murasa to be named, Unless she was named earilier but I didn't see it. oOo
Entry No. 7: The youkai that wouldn't give up
Score: 6.5/10
Review: A real intresting story about a youkai that dies in the first setenece. I don't know why but it just feels misleading for me. But yet, an intresting story. I did notice a noticable spelling mistake that could of easily avoided with proof read, I'm not a mean guy so that doesn't hamper my expericen. That coffin though, I was half expecting Dio to appear, but a dead woman. It also proves that Reimu is a heartless jerk who murders youkai who defends their woman's graves. oOo
Entry No. 8: Empty Chairs and Empty Tables
Score: 8.5/10
Review: This. story. sounds. like. a fan. game. I have a number of issues with this story, I know there's a limit of words, but it felt like something was missing. It was really desprective, espically with stage 4 and SURPISE SEIJA attack. There's just not enough desprictions for the fight. WHO ARE THE CHARACTERS?! I want to know more about the stage 6 the most. oOo
Entry No. 9: Fixing a Crapsack World
Score: 7.5/10
Review: Hooray, a story about the Vampire Incident. First thing first, you mention the Scarlet Devil Mansion at the begining, the next paragraph, it had just been turned into SDM, I know it's a pain to type that out, it just seems weird. Also another thing, is the mother just called Senior? I get that weird feeling by the way she's mentioned. Uhhh. I didn't see any spelling/grammer issues during my intinal skim of the story. oOo
Entry No. 10: Why me?
Score: 1.5/10
Review: Abridged plot of SA much? This story is far too short literally no desprictions on any person in the story which can't make me picture what the characters look like if I wasn't a Touhou fan, what reason does Yukari have to gap this random person? Why this random person? Why is this fight happening? I pause. That was all the reason I needed to fry this bird. Alright, picture this, if this were a story, we wouldn't be able to picture what she looked like. I guess only Touhou fans would know what this bird was like. And if I didn't know what SA was nor the final boss, for my sake, I could of thought it was Mystia trying to steal the spotlight.
Entry No. 11: A past can change!
Score: 4.5/10
Review: A script, unqiue but I don't think it works. Because of the whole script format, I didn't understand the story the story that much, but from what I figured, it was about Kanako (Moryia Shrine was mentioned...) spreading faith and Marisa at Nitori's... I didn't see spelling mistakes but the use of the smiley at the begining angered me. I gave it a good score because I'm a nice guy.
oOo
Entry No. 12: A promise upon a Cherry Blossomed Night
Score: 6/10
Review: Favourite character becoming a gap ha- I promised myself no more jokes. So, Youki died, Maribel summoning a Shinkigami, premusing it's Ran. And it just didn't feel right to see her transformation from Maribel to Yukari.
oOo
Entry No. 13: Struggle of an Immortal
Score: 9/10
Review: I was expecting more Mokou and Kaguya but I guess a tale about the struggle of Cirno works too. What a strong tale that I throughly enjoyed. Can I just say, what reason did Cirno have to go to war (What war is this?!) Also, treating the respawning of the faries as a curse is brilliant to the whole tale, the ending made me think of round 1...
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relick
Welcome to Eientei!
Posts: 935
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Post by relick on Jan 31, 2015 12:02:44 GMT
Entry No. 1: Hijiri's Lament Score: 5/10
Review: I think this was a cool concept, although two things definitely stand out as problems. The first was the reversable thing, while interesting, limited what you were able to do with the words and so the actual poem itself isn't that interesting. The other thing is calling it Hijiri's Lament. If you hadn't made it so clear it was Byakuren then there would have been a lot more to talk about. Consider the title just another line of the poem, and never disregard its importance.
Entry No. 2: A throne to call her own Score: 6.5/10 Review: I liked the story, however at times I wasn't really sure who had the upper hand because of Seija constantly turning things around. Which is good, because it plays into her character, but on the other hand it made the first fight a bit meaningless if Seija could just run away at the end without any serious problems . The second fight was pretty good. There were quite a few spelling mistakes, however, if you can try and use a spellchecker on your story before you submit it next time then that'll make it a lot better.
Entry No. 3: Thank you Score: 4.5/10
Review: The extra chapter, which should have been just an extra, was longer than the rest of the piece. Since the main part was so short, I couldn't really get emotionally invested in the story trying to be told. It seemed there were so many details that could have been put in but were missed out in favour of writing the extra chapter. If you wrote the story and added in the extra chapter later, then next time I suggest just focusing on making the main story the best it can be before adding in other stuff. If you originally intended to add in the extra chapter then you should have altered the entire story to surround that idea instead rather than keep the two things distinct. There were also a string of errors like missing punctuation and uncapitalised letters which made the sentences somewhat funny (and sort of killed what the mood).
Entry No. 4: Poisonous Melancholy Score: 7/10
Review: I liked the form of this story, however some parts that I felt shouldn't have been left ambiguous became open to speculation after each time jump. In addition, Susan referred to several events which led to her becoming depressed, but it would make more sense if these events were the straw that broke the camel's back rather than the direct cause. Something that may have happened to the mother or the father earlier in the story would have made more sense as a trigger for her sliding into despair, but I digress. It was a well written story overall, I thought.
Entry No. 5: Ascent up the Mountain Score: 5.5/10
Review: Biggest problem here is that MoF was completely copied. This basically meant that unless the reader had not played MoF before then it was possible to know the entire story before you'd even read it. There weren't really any details, other than Reimu at the beginning, that were added or changed in order to make it a bit different and more engaging. The other thing was that while it was first person of Marisa I could tell it was Marisa from her actions but not from the way she described the adventure. In fact, she described it fairly oddly, I think, switching between a conversation style, to a diary style, to a narration style. It didn't really feel consistent. Either way, it wasn't too bad.
Entry No. 6: Beacon of Atonement Score: 9/10
Review: I really liked this one, a back story that was executed really well and the form of the story fit Murasa's character. Not sure how to critique it xD.
Entry No. 7: The youkai that wouldn't give up Score: 6/10
Review: I had to look up Mugenkan. It was a nice story, I loved the description. My main gripes are that firstly, it was a bit on the short side (only slightly though). Secondly, I felt the last few sentences ruined the story. We'd just learnt something important about the suicidal youkai but then we have to read Reimu's thoughts which actually just mirror what we were thinking already. Also, while the mystery remains, there's no cause for further investigation, or even further possible investigation. This coffin seemed like it was in the deepest part of the house and so it was unlikely Reimu would find anything more in there. Without any more leads, it remains just a mystery that can't be solved.
Entry No. 8: Empty Chairs and Empty Tables Score: 6.5/10
Review: Bleh, this one was long. And it was a decent piece but I couldn't figure out how it related to the theme.
Entry No. 9: Fixing a Crapsack World Score: 7/10
Review: I liked this, other than what I found were odd choices for shortened names (Senior and the SDM). In addition, Reimu seemed quite young at first but then after Hakurei Sr's death she suddenly matured. Maybe I was just underestimating Reimu's age from the beginning, however I got the impression she was very young and inexperienced from the way it was written.
Entry No. 10: Why me? Score: 3/10
Review: There was nothing particularly wrong with this piece, it was just really short. If it was a problem with not being able to find the time, then perhaps writing like 5 lines a night for the 2 weeks would be good for getting something of a decent size done.
Entry No. 11: A past can change! Score: 5/10
Review: I'm going to be honest, this one was far too long so I didn't read all of it. However, it seems almost every line was dialogue. If you are going to go for a script format, then try and consider it as if it was actually going to be used in theatre or for a movie. There needs to be lots of description of the setting and the characters prior to the start of the script. Use stage directions to define the character's actions and emotions. In fact, the stage directions are just as important as the dialogue and should not be disregarded. Also, don't be afraid to use 'props'. What surrounds the characters can be very helpful for creating the atmosphere and story that you want.
Entry No. 12: A promise upon a Cherry Blossomed Night Score: 6.5/10
Review: This one annoys me because it is a great story, but I can't shake off the inconsistencies midway through and the final line being literally out of nowhere. It isn't explained in the slightest how she became overseer of Gensokyo, or even where she got the name Yukari from. Which is good in a sense because it leaves it up to your imagination but it seems so sudden, and while Maribel clearly struggled to cope with Yuyuko's death the final section doesn't really make that clear at all.
Entry No. 13: Struggle of an Immortal Score: 8/10
Review: Amazing story, amazing description. However, it was first person, and so what would have made it better was if there was more of Cirno's childish personality implemented into the writing. If it had been a third person account, I'd probably have given this a 9 but I feel there was a massive missed opportunity by making it first person and not adding in Cirno's quirks.
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alzack13
Bun of Darkness
Posts: 936
Rabbits shall rule
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Post by alzack13 on Feb 2, 2015 0:35:16 GMT
Entry No. 1: Hijiri's Lament Score: 6.5/10 I suppose I should start off by saying that I’m not a huge fan of poetry, so that bias might show somewhat in my review. Anyway, I actually like what you did here, how you can read it both ways. The message in defined on the way down, and resolved on the way up, which is neat. A few of the lines don’t connect all too well, but it doesn’t detract from it too much. I guess my biggest gripe was that it’s kind of boring. Not much going on, it sounds like an equal rights speech. On that note, I think the poem is improved tenfold if you read it in the voice of MLK. =================== Entry No. 2: A Throne to Call Her Own Score: 4.5/10 Well, It’s fairly obvious that there’s a plethora of grammatical mistakes here, so I’ll just skip that for now. Just know that you should either proofread things yourself, or maybe ask someone to help edit it for you next time. That aside, there are a few things you did well. Your action scenes weren’t bad, if a little hard to understand. The general idea was okay. Unfortunately, these are kind of overshadowed by poor transitions, and things not being explained too well. I’m not certain how the fight with Reimu was important to the overall plot, and Sukuna turning on Seija happened kind of suddenly. Also, the “Throne to call her own” part came out of nowhere. I’m not sure if that’s even hinted at being the reason she’s fighting earlier in the story. =================== Entry No. 3: Thank you
Score: 4/10 Okay, first things first, you NEED to learn how to use periods and commas. My brain was running out of air when reading it. Aside from the frankly nonexistent punctuation, there were a few other grammatical errors, but I’ve decided not to dwell on those. I was going to comment on Marisa seeming entirely out of character, but it seems this relationship is canon. Huh. Still, that doesn’t quite save it from a rather linear and boring plot. I’m not entirely sure if Yuuka was even necessary to the story, and the constant shifts of POV were confusing and not well defined. The “alternate reality” thing is poorly placed, and I’m completely unsure how to judge it, if I should ignore it or not. I’d suggest working on defining the setting, and maybe a little smoother dialogue. =================== Entry No. 4: Poisonous Melancholy Score: 6.5/10 Well, that was dark. Geez. Grammar seems fine to me (thank you). An interesting take on Medicine’s origins, but a little cliché. I liked how you show Medicine essentially paralleling the thoughts of the girl, that was neat. I think it would have benefitted from having a part where Susan actually stopped caring about Medicine, a reason or something. Also, Medicine was thrown away by Susan, why does she still want to do things for her? =================== Entry No. 5: Ascent Up the Mountain Score: 5.5/10 Hm. Interesting case, this one. It’s written fairly well. The story makes sense, has good progression. The characters are known, but could be a little more well defined. There’s one issue, though. This isn’t your story. It’s ZUN’s. I honestly didn’t mind reading it, but I’ve seen it before. I’ve played it before. A personal twist would have made it miles better, IMO. =================== Entry No. 6: Beacon of Atonement Score: 9/10 That was really damn good. My first thought when finishing this was “Well, I can tell who could hack it as a writer in the real world.” Very interesting take on Murasa’s backstory, starting as a vengeful ghost. The dialogue between characters flows well, and doesn’t seem forced. The only detraction from the story, for me, was that I thought Murasa had wrecked her own ship that one time, which made the journal entries later a little confusing. I would complain about an unclear timeline, but I feel that it doesn’t really matter. Great job. =================== Entry No. 7: The Youkai that wouldn't give up Score: 6/10 Hm, neat take on the theme, pondering why the enemy was fighting, rather than your character. Obligatory “Yadda grammar Blah Blah proofread.” A pretty decent story, but it’s ruined a bit near the end. It’s along the lines of “it’s not funny if you have to explain it”. It’s not really that deep, if you have to explain it. The reader should be allowed to ask those questions at the end on their own, and infer the reason the youkai had fought. Your description of the house was good. =================== Entry No. 8: Empty Chairs and Empty Tables Score: 8/10 I concur with the other reviewers, this is a fangame. I know I want to play it. I really like the subtlety of the story, how it lets the reader infer and think of what could have happened on their own. The symbolism with the closet was clever, and the incorporation of the song really made it emotional. Although the song being their seemed a little forced, it worked out. Also, subtle fountain-of-youth theme goin’ on there. Nice.
=================== Entry No. 9: Fixing a Crapsack WorldScore: 6.5/10 Huh. I hadn’t known about the vampire incident until I looked it up for this story. I was about to call bullshit on a few things, but it looks like it actually happened. Neat. Anyway, I like how you created a story out of vague canon; that can be difficult to do. The dialogue seemed a little stiff, and some of the characters personalities were kind of everywhere. Reimu’s sudden shift to maturity was a little sudden, but I suppose warranted. =================== Entry No. 10: Why me? Score: 2/10 Not sure how the title applies. And again, this is just stealing canon. Also, BECAUSE YUKARI TOLD ME TOOOOO! =================== Entry No. 11: A past can change!Score: 5/10 Huh, script form. Wasn’t expecting that. First think I notice is that the dialogue is a little stiff, and doesn’t flow very well. Which isn’t great news for something composed entirely of dialogue. There are a few times where a character says something that should have been exposition, making them seem like they’re in an infomercial or something. The entire bout with Nitori and the new Hakkero seems completely useless, aside from the small plot-bit Nitori tells Marisa. The idea of Shiki trying to fix Gensokyo is cool. The ending was extremely anti-climactic. Shiki just saying “whatever” and giving up isn’t really that interesting. =================== Entry No. 12: A Promise upon a Cherry Blossomed Night Score: 6.5/10 I’m not sure what to write about this. It’s endearing, then sad, then … something? I honestly think it would have fared better without the last bit, it just got a little confusing. Other than that, it’s a nice story. I like the idea that Maribel is a younger Yukari, and you explain her relation to Yuyuko fairly well. I’m a little confused as to Maribels logic after Yuyuko kills herself. She’s gonna be powerful and controlling because… she couldn’t seal Yuyuko? Not really following that logic. =================== Entry No. 13: Struggle of an Immortal Score: 8.5/10 Can’t complain much. It was a good story, well executed, and emotional. But it wasn’t quite a great story, and it didn’t really move me. I can’t quite place it, but something just seems like “not enough”. Perhaps it’s the interpretation of Cirno. Maybe it’s the sort-of out of place Reisen dialogue, like it was merely there so you could tell us Cirno isn’t dumb. I’m not sure, and I know that’s kind of a shitty review. Either way, I think my favorite part of this piece was the “Only now did I truly understand how it felt to win a serious fight”. It makes it seem like everything else in Cirno’s life was trivial, compared to this. Which is good.
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Aisuko Lyrical
Holy Knights in Training
Posts: 139
The benevolent/harsh God of Light will forgive/punish your sins.
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Post by Aisuko Lyrical on Feb 3, 2015 11:53:55 GMT
Still need to figure out those damned spoilers
Entry No. 1: Hijiri's Lament Score:2 Okay I'll try to keep my poetry hate to a minimum here but there's this simple fact you get with only poetry and nothing else you have no context no reality to build on no image just these words that don't attract me now if this poem had a story attached you would've had a better score but you didn't I'm sorry for that. and even though the reading it backwards thing was nice I guess ain't gonna get you a better score. ~ Entry No. 2: A throne to call her own Score:6 I don't know why but I adore this one for no reason I want to give you an 7 but it's 6 because honestly it wasn't that great but eh fair score is better then unfair ~ Entry No. 3: Thank you Score: 5/10 Mima. that gave you a point really but all joking aside I like the theory of the story and I liked how Marisa was implied to be acting on everything by the way Mima is a horrible mom in this story And the spoiler thing was wonktacular and WHATTHEFUCKISUPWITHYOURPACING!? I'm also confusede fact a bit by Yuuka going from crying to walking to Mima's place. and Marisa was kinda an idiot. but eh decent story missed potential ~ Entry No. 4: Poisonous Melancholy Score: 4 Review:Iyyyyye don't know this didn't do it for me no clicking no nothing everything seems disconnected I don't like it it could've been good if you just...looked at it from a characters perspective...I don't have much to say on this besides please try. ~ Entry No. 5: Ascent up the Mountain Score:6 Review:geeeeeeh do I have to review this? *guns to her spine* aright aright I'll freaken do it... honestly I guess it was nice? I don't know it doesn't try to be more to me in my mind it was mediocre it was written better then Thank You which is why I gave it a higher score but personally enjoyment wise I'd give it a 3 ~ Entry No. 6: Beacon of Atonement Score:8.5 Review:NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE! very good enjoyable well done I like the whole story except the reason why this didn't get a 9 is because the ending seemed rushed but hey this is really good anyway ~ Entry No. 7: The youkai that wouldn't give up Score:4 Review:...Fudge? the reason for the youkai fighting could've well been revenge for stealing fudge for all I care and that's the problem due to everyone being OCs you care for NO ONE so you can't build up attachment ~ Entry No. 8: Empty Chairs and Empty Tables Score:6 Review:Almost made me care for Reimu just for a second but meh imo it's above average but that's it I wanna know how Yukari(pink parasol?) died though ~ Entry No. 9: Fixing a Crapsack World Score: 5 Review:Now then. this tries to make me like it...I still don't it tries so so sooooo hard that I like it even less ~ Entry No. 10: Why me? Score: 1.5 Review:now I know what you were thinking during this "maaan I hate this theme" but still not an excuse read my review of Love For An Eternity for explaination ~ Entry No. 11: A past can change! Score:3 Review:this can be summed up in a few words "MEDICORE SCRIPT FORM LOOKS SLOPPY" and that is it all I need to sum this up ~ Entry No. 12: A promise upon a Cherry Blossomed Night Score:8 Review:Pretty damn good it's wonderful and makes you feel emotions now I think it's disconnected but eh I like it still ~ Entry No. 13: Struggle of an Immortal Score:7 Review:Pretty good dude I liked that liked how Cirno(theannoyingbastard) was used for none-comedy and I actually felt sorry for her I like it cool and refreshing just not the best
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ZM
Kochiyaist
Posts: 7,266
Arahitogami~
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Post by ZM on Feb 3, 2015 12:47:09 GMT
Entry No. 1: Hijiri's LamentScore: 5.5/10 Dunno what else to say. You did good, though. Fleshed out Hijiri well. Yada yada. It's not like this is award-winning, or anything, but as poems go, I liked it. =================== Entry No. 2: A Throne to Call Her OwnScore: 5.5/10 Interesting interactions between Reimu and Seija and Sukuna. I guess that's all there is to say. =================== Entry No. 3: Thank youScore: 4/10 Kinda clunky and a little hard to follow, but you still did okay. =================== Entry No. 4: Poisonous MelancholyScore: 6.5/10 So dark. Much wow. It was quite emotional, though, and that ending is what makes me likes this entry. Good job. Though it could've paced better. =================== Entry No. 5: Ascent Up the MountainScore: 6/10 I like how it was in Marisa's PoV as she goes up the Youkai Mountain. But it was too much like MoF's plot. Should've added a creative twist, y'know? Like a bad ending where Marisa dies and Reimu loses her shrine. That would've made this a lot better, and it'd be more original and creative, too. Still, not bad, not bad at all. You know how to write. Oh, and you created a 'Rude Momiji' meme. gj now give me dumplings =================== Entry No. 6: Beacon of AtonementScore: 9.5/10 FUCKING. CAPTAIN. MINAMITSU'S. BACKSTORY. YEEEAAAAAH. My favorite entry so far in this entire competition. The only problem I could spot was that it was a little rushed? Eh, that's okay, though. Because CAPTAIN. And it was enjoyable all around. gj you win you win you win =================== Entry No. 7: The Youkai that wouldn't give upScore: 6.5/10 Well that was something. Reimu's character was portrayed well, for sure. Don't know what else to say. ^^; =================== Entry No. 8: Empty Chairs and Empty TablesScore: 7.5/10 I loved how it went like a Touhou game. gj gj. Uh, I guess my only gripe was that it was kind of a little hard to follow at times...? Maybe? Eh. =================== Entry No. 9: Fixing a Crapsack WorldScore: 6.5/10 This was good! I like how it can be seen as the origin story of the spellcard system. It was a little hard to read, though. =================== Entry No. 10: Why me?Score: 1.5/10 Subterranean Animism: The Abridged Series! ...Too short and too quick to judge accurately. You obviously have potential, so maybe next time around you can show it off. =================== Entry No. 11: A past can change!Score: 3.5/10 The script system was weird and made this really difficult to read...but I gave you an addition +1 because Sanae's in this story. =================== Entry No. 12: A Promise upon a Cherry Blossomed NightScore: 6/10 Good premise. Kind of hard to follow, but still good. Yuyuko's character was portrayed well, which I liked. Yeah. =================== Entry No. 13: Struggle of an ImmortalScore: 8/10 Personally I feel this story is overhyped as fuck, but hey, it's good! A different look at Cirno, and her reunion with Daiyousei was well-written and quite emotional. gj
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2015 13:33:37 GMT
I really don't know how to say "No" to Arya, do I?
Entry No. 1: Hijiri's LamentScore: 2/10Review: I've ranted many times about this entry. I suppose it is time to do it again. The point of a poem is to achieve something that cannot be achieved with conventional storytelling. Having a bunch of *statements* that can be read backwards achieves very little. It seems unique in this competition, but in reality, its made like a Haiku. I don't feel the backwards reading adds anthing to the poem's interpretation either. If you mean it is the same from human to ykai and from ykai to human, I guess it fits. But not really. In that case you would make the poem horizontally symmetrical. oOo
Entry No. 2: A throne to call her own
Score: 5/10
Review: The grammar mistakes have already been mentioned so I will not do so again. Some awkward, superfluous phrasing here and there (e.g. "Without any item to possess, the haze vanished into the air of the castle in which she resided." well, is there any reason to mention "in which she resided.) "Seija tumbled in the air as she struggled to regain her compromise."
Hm, "Compromise": noun 1. an agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions. "eventually they reached a compromise" synonyms: agreement, understanding, settlement, terms, accommodation; More antonyms: intransigence an intermediate state between conflicting alternatives reached by mutual concession. "a compromise between the freedom of the individual and the need to ensure orderly government" 2. the expedient acceptance of standards that are lower than is desirable. I think you mean "composure". Otherwise, the character development was good. Danmaku action scenes are hard to write and you did a decent job, the imagery can be improved nevertheless. It was also little too rambly, and thus difficult to be engaged with.
Entry No. 3: Thank you
Score: 6.5/10
Review: This was a nice piece. The creativity and emotion is there. What you need to work on now, is coherence. Others have given you advice about this already. I suggest you pick up a grammar textbook or the like, or even ask someone to proof-read and teach you. I think once coherence is improved on, your score will increase considerably. oOo
Entry No. 4: Poisonous Melancholy
Score: 6/10
Review: Ow. Did this all have to be in italics? Its really hard to read. Yes, I know what you are attempting to achieve by doing this. But the dis-fluency is something that is worth mentioning. I'm unsure what the significance of "7" is, its hard to tell a kid's age just by looking at them. It breaks the realism somewhat. I do not think this is significant, but it is worth mentioning.
Nice and dark. It isn't quite creative, since thrown away dolls becoming sentient isn't exactly a new concept. I am also unsure what makes Medicine think her owner will return. Especially since they're in gensokyo now and the family at the start obviously wasn't. It could be clarified.
I do feel there is a bit of disconnect, since we don't have emotional attachment to the family in question. The structure is creative and to me it feels quite well written. oOo
Entry No. 5: Ascent up the MountainScore: 4/10
Review: Hey look, MoF abridged! No. Use your own story. Some reviewers value creativity. This also did not seem particularly Marisa-like retelling. It feels pretty monotonous to me.
Consider telling it as a yarn. Might make it a little more interesting. oOo
Entry No. 6: Beacon of Atonement
Score: 7.5/10
Review: Its good. It really is. I did feel a little detached at parts. Write a bit more, use a bit more description. Sometimes I was also left confused, decrease the timeskips and make differences between each sense a bit more clear. Is Murasa a ghost or a dying human in the section starting with "It's so cold"? The creativity, planning and development were all good. Only thing that can make it better now is to give it some abstract symbolic meaning and confuse the heck out of everyone while still being awesome. I loved the diary.
oOo
Entry No. 7: The youkai that wouldn't give up
Score: 6.5/10
Review: Strong start. I liked the repetition of "the same youkai" its like flaming. Very effective. Rest of this was the same, it produces a very nice atmosphere. It still needs more proofreading. Also I don't like mysteries that cannot be solved.
oOo
Entry No. 8: Empty Chairs and Empty Tables
Score: 6/10
Review: Oh. A bebetar. I mean, a fangame. The breaks make it a little hard to be immersed in the story. Though it does make you think, which is a good thing...But it makes you think a bit too much. Thinking so much it doesn't actually enrich the story itself, but rather just makes me go on chuunibyou daydreams. The constant restarting of each stage made me very tired, actually. The song is from Les Miserables, I don't think you should steal that. Also I don't know what the relevance to the theme was.
oOo
Entry No. 9: Fixing a Crapsack World
Score: 6/10
Review: Dammit Fera, making me read "Senior" as "Señor". A lot was told and not enough was shown. It creates a bit of disconnect, especially in scences where there is a lot of emotion. Like Reimu's mother dying. "reacting as anyone would" is not particularly emotive. The concept and planning was good. Writing needs a bit more improvement and you would be ready to score 7+ scores.
oOo
Entry No. 10: Why me?
Score: 2/10
Review: Try a different style.
oOo
Entry No. 11: A past can change!
Score: 3/10
Review: A script. Write it in a story format and it should get a higher score. The concept itself doesn't seem too bad. My brain shut off halfway through reading it, thats not a good sign.
oOo
Entry No. 12: A promise upon a Cherry Blossomed Night
Score: 7/10 (No, I don't know why the font changed. I don't know how to fix it either, sorry.)
Review: You should really flesh out the death a bit more. Maribel would be a lot more sad and less angry when Yuyuko dies. The resolve to fight comes from nowhere. The 500 years that have passed could have been pointed out a bit more, so its not as confusing, since Maribel's sudden transformation comes also, from nowhere. Its far too disconnected. It feels as if you ran out of time when writing this, since the concept and planning were clearly there. The emotion went on a holiday or something. Otherwise, it was quite well written and planned, your emotion seemed to spike at the wrong times however.
oOo Entry No. 13: Struggle of an Immortal
Score: 7/10
Review: I might be a bit too harsh since this entry was overhyped as heck and I walked in with unrealistic expectations. But i'll try. Things were again stated instead of showing. The curse can also be elaborated upon. Otherwise this is a well written entry with its goal achieved. It also felt a little dragged out.
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Proto
It looks kind of like a big fluffy muffin!
Posts: 343
Favorite Game: Phantasmagoria of Flower ViewFavorite Character: Flandre ScarletCustom Title: It looks kind of like a big fluffy muffin!Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://i.imgur.com/ViZwf70.png","color":""}Mini Profile Text Color: ffffffMini-Profile Name Color: ffffffMini-Profile Text Border: BlackOverride Avatar (Auto-Extended Mini-Profile): Enable
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Post by Proto on Feb 4, 2015 5:37:34 GMT
A few things to note about my approach for ratings. What I do is list down all of the entries based on my favorite to least favorite. I assign whatever rating I think is appropriate for the top entry. After that, the second entry entry on the list will be compared with the first entry to determine how much of a score difference is warranted, if any. The reason I am following this approach is because as far as the competitive aspect goes, it's the score differences from other reviews that is relevant. Therefore, please don't assume that a low rating means that the entry is bad or anything; it simply means that it had the potential to be much better, as shown by the entries that I rated higher. Hijiri's LamentScore: 4/10 Well, this is a poem... I'm not actually sure how to review poems (I'm definitely the first person to declare that, right?). But well, when I read this poem, it just doesn't sound... poetic, I guess? I seriously tried to read it out loud, but the randomly varying lengths of the different verses (length being based on syllable count) made it really weird. Furthermore, the choices of verse breaks often disrupted the flow of the meanings that are being expressed. Yes, I know that the verse breaks were chosen for the backwards effect. The backwards thing is really cool, but the same problems apply when read backwards as well. I can't actually get myself to call this a poem anymore. It is, however, still a meaningful form of expression that laments how humans and youkai don't get along even though they should be capable of doing so. With respect to the round topic, this entry was actually an inversion, explaining that there should be no reason to fight. I really like this kind of implementation of the round topic. In particular, I was really impressed by how both the transition from Hope -> Sorrow (normal reading) and Sorrow -> Hope (backwards) worked really well. Overall, I find this entry to have a really interesting theme, but the execution was really poor. The backwards idea is really neat, but it can't make up for the big problems in this entry. Grammar and stuff: [No punctuation corrections, since it changes based on the direction]
Hope exists
Within the depths of our minds
But this ignored
Our differences are too similar
Predator and prey
Human and youkai
Discriminate, segregate, exterminate between
The very creatures humans imagined and created, we cannot
Live alongside
We possess the intelligence, the capacity to peacefully settle [Going backwards, we have "...the capacity to peacefully settle live alongside...", which doesn't make sense. ]
Disputes, but
Demonise and altercate and contest
Creatures not so different from one another
In our incredible home, there is no rationale
Why petty problems rule and ruin lives
There is no reason
For why we fight
(read again from the bottom up) A Throne to Call her OwnScore: 6/10 An entry about Seija’s experiences in DDC and ISC. The action sequences were pretty cool, despite all the punctuation issues. It reflected the DDC Seija and Stage 6 events pretty well, as well as the ISC game mechanics. As cool as the action sequences were, I’m a bit upset that there was nothing more to this entry beyond the detailed fights. With respect to the round topic, Shinmyoumaru’s reason to have Seija captured isn’t clearly explained in the story. I would expect it’s due to Seija manipulating Shinmyoumaru for her own goals during DDC, but Shinmyoumaru screaming about taking back what was stolen implies otherwise. Probably the Miracle Mallet, but it wasn’t clarified very well here. In any case, this was a straightforward entry with nice detailed action sequences. The punctuation issues really hurt the reading experience though. There should be a lot more sentence breaks. Also, her name is Shinmyoumaru, not Shinyoumaru. Grammar and stuff: Far above the green emerald plains of Gensokyo, the sky was a marvellous sight with a view only residents would relax under it's clear sky [First, it's "its", not "it's"; Second, the subject of the sentence is sky so "its clear sky" = "the sky's clear sky"]. The clouds all gathered in one place, a magical storm that held a castle, that sunk inside the air. This mysterious building was named the Shining Needle Castle. It was a castle that shone sliver in the storm of dark magical storm clouds. Inside the castle itself, it tricks any unfortunate person to enter, people who expected the floor and the ceiling to be ordinary would be ["tricks" is present tense] surprised to find the floor to be the ceiling and vice versa.
“Another useless item!” The voice echoed in the tiny grey coloured room. Instantly after the voice, a small Tanuki doll flew across the room, shattering in a instant, like any of the items that were possessed during the Youkai rebellion, it reeked of evil and perhaps cursed magic and a dark haze followed. A [Article] short girl laid slumped against the corner. She wore a white plain dress with a skirt that had red arrows along with black arrows laid across it. She [Sentence break] also wore a yellow bracelet. Her [Sentence break] hair was the most mysterious, [Comma] however, [Comma] as it began black and ended with white near the edge of the hair with a single red strand of red. This [Sentence break] girl was called Seija Kijin and she attempted to fix society as she saw fit. She held an impressive hoard of items, ranging from dolls that resembled a Tanuki to the infamous Replica of the Miracle Mallet that laid to [“laid to”?] once withdrawn Youkai to rage uncontrollably. On her lap, the chequered sheet acted as a blanket as it appeared she slept with her hoard of stolen items.
“Maybe if I throw enough of these [“dolls” is plural] dolls...” She picked up another grey coloured doll, shaking it slightly before throwing it, almost like a bomb. It [Sentence Break] collided with the wall and it [subject already implied, and this fits better with “and the haze followed”] shattered, and the haze followed. Without any item to possess, the haze vanished into the air of the castle in which she resided. Seija rose from her little corner, folding the chequered sheet into a square and placing it [the sheet] into her hoard of items. She walked onto the ceiling turned floor. She remembered the day that [or can be removed entirely] the Shrine Maiden, the Ordinary Magician and the Maid of the Scarlet Devil attacked her fortress, the Shining Needle Castle that was buried inside the magical storm.
Seija jerked to the side as the Shrine Maiden's amulets caught her off guard. She held her devilish smirk as she spun and arrows of all colours appeared around her. With a click of her fingers, she declared her spell card to the maiden: “Reverse Bow "Decree of the Dream Bow of Heaven & Earth" The arrows begun appearing at the floor and flying upwards, at first they remained to the side of the maiden but like a puppet master, Seija pulled the strings and the arrows fired at a awkward angle trapping her inside the flurry of arrows. And then, without warning, the maiden flew at bullet speed, the magenta amulets smashing into Seija's face, Seija tumbled in the air as she struggled to regain her composure [Spelling].
“Turnabout "Reverse Hierarchy.” Seija spoke calmly as bullets materialized around her, the maiden crashing into the walls and her 4th Yin-yang [spelling] orb exploded as she tumbled to the floor. Seija chuckled to herself and she yelled to the downed Shrine Maiden.
“So this is the famous Hakurei maiden? Unable to defeat me?” Seija then clicked again and the maiden found herself at the mercy of Seija, caught on the ceiling instead of the floor, she threw her cursed Gohei at Seija, it smashed Seija in the chest repeatedly spinning into the side of her chest. “The name is Reimu Hakurei and I've had enough of all you Youkai.” Reimu spoke with a cold harsh voice in an instant. She [Sentence break] flew upwards, [Comma] reaching Seija's level in a spilt second. A [Sentence break] genuine shock erupted on Seija's face before Reimu's body smashed into Seija, sending her sprawling to the floor.
“You're taking m-” Reimu begun to speak, but [the speaking is not the surprise] to her surprise, Seija shot up, holding the side of her chest before she leaped backwards; running towards the darkened door, smiling after the battle. “You have to catch me first.” Seija glided into the dark stairway of the castle's only spire. The spire that held the true person who held the True Miracle Mallet. As Seija glided into the stairway, it was a dark vertical [spelling] column that had red stairs where it reached a single door where the peak of the corrupted magic laid. The Miracle Mallet.
As Reimu glided up the stairway, she was greeted by the familiar sight of Yin-Yang [spelling] Orbs that fired bullets in circles. After [Sentence break] the barrage of circles, two of them fired in a rotating fashion followed by four which repeated the pattern. The [Sentence break] final barrage of the orb ended with yellow orbs, attempting to overwhelm her. At [Sentence break] the top of the stairs, laid Seija, clenching her chest as she watched Reimu awkwardly dodge the barrage of bullets. The final set of the orbs were destroyed by the amulets and Reimu appeared, floating at the level of Seija, she held her Gohei pointed at Seija and the [Article] two remained still. “You still have a chance to join me Reimu!” Seija hacked out her words in a bitter tone and false words came out of her mouth. She swung her arms in a vertical pattern and bullets appeared out of her. Reimu flew forwards slightly before her Gohei increased in size, slashing it's way through her bullets, smashing Seija repeatedly Seija, using the last ounce of her strength made bullets swish left and right repeatedly. Reimu [S break] flew at her chest. Seija [S break] threw her arms but it was too late. Reimu [S break] fired Magenta homing amulets into Seija's chest, the force of the impact sent her smashing through the locked door behind her. When she finally came to, she saw her tool, Shinyoumaru Sukuna, [Comma] fighting the Shrine Maiden with fighting spirit she'd never seen in her before.
“She was a great friend, even if I didn't realize it.” Seija spoke in a melancholic tone as she walked in one of the many hallways of the castle; the same hallway, where she fought Reimu in her own battle. The castle remained floating upside down; it was a curse of the tale long past. She appeared in a secluded room, in the spire that Seija held her final stand. The door remained opened since the day of the rebellion's end. After Shinyoumaru was captured, she was forced to retreat away from the castle. However, Seija had one more adventure before she finally went into a permanent hiding place, the same castle that she was found in. Since Seija moved in, she only used two rooms in the castle, the small room that was supposed to be a meeting point for any of Seija's allies [“any of” indicates multiple allies] and the room where the final stand took place. The room held a regal feel to it, at the back wall, laid a giant glass stained window that showed the legend of Issun-b?shi, greatly altered by Seija. The main piece of the room was the throne. Seija stood in the throne room, sighing as [memories came while she was sighing] the bitter memories of betrayal came to her.
“The day I lost my friend...” Seija spoke in a upset tone, although there was no one else with her. She clenched her fist as she sank into her throne. Bitter memories of sadness and betrayal entered her head.
“I told Everyone to seriously attempt to capture you!” The child voice of Shinyoumaru struck Seija on a painful level. Shinyoumaru, [Comma] since her capture, [Comma] had regained some of her lost height after the incident, but she [Contrast] wasn't at the full height exhibited during the incident. Seija smirked, after surviving eight days of not being captured, the confidence entered her head. In her left hand [she doesn’t have two heads], she held the [spelling] Tanuki dolls with three spares on her waist along with a blood red Yin-Yang [Spelling] Orb that carried the spirit of a youkai.
“I am a true born Amanojaku!” Seija cried out as she lashed out at Shinyoumaru, [Comma] her arrows firing in a straight line. To [S break] her surprise, Shinyoumaru shook her hands in an [Article] ecstatic way, and then purple orbs began [spelling; if you meant “being”, the correct form would be “were”] firing in a nonsensical pace. Seija jerked quickly; her reaction time was off as one stray orb smashed into her side, the doll exploded, leaving Seija stunned as many other orbs disappeared as they touched her.
“The hell?!” Seija looked at her former friend, she rushed again at Shinyoumaru. Shinyoumaru [S break] arm jerked to her needle sword, it collided with Seija's chest, sending her sprawling backward to the floor, and then Shinyoumaru yelled.
“INCHLING HELL!” She screamed at the tops of her lungs, before large oval spheres begun pushing Seija backwards to the wall; scratching Seija in the process, causing minimal pain. At [S break] the last second, they retracted in size, becoming little white spheres, Seija felt another doll shatter in the palm of her hand, she had little time to pull one out before the next wave, much faster than the previous wave. Seija had to squeeze through the gaps before the third wave came. Through the waves, she was firing her arrows, and finally, the Inchling hell was over, all the bullets disappeared into nothingness as they appeared. And in the centre of the room, the two stood, their eyes locked. “Now, give me back what you stole Seija.” Shinyoumaru had her hand on the sword and the room was silent.
“You want your magic back?!” Seija spoke at last, which broke into a small chuckle.“YOU WANT IT?! COME AND TAKE IT!” Without warning, Shinyoumaru charged at Seija, swinging around her sword in a diagonal slash to Seija's knees and she couldn't react in time. Seija fell backwards, her doll didn't shatter, as it wasn't a bullet, Shinyoumaru swung her needle sword around her head and it glowed a pale white and swung in a wide arc as knives flew towards Seija. During [S break] that time, knives were causing less and less room to move, Seija smirked as she noticed that Shinyoumaru was growing increasing tired. “One final arrow will finish this hell...” Seija fired a flurry of arrows into the knives wall; slipping through the cracks and a yelp was heard The last white knife slid across Seija's check, the hell had finally ended, Shinyoumaru dropped to her knees, the needle rolling to the throne. The short lived friendship was over as Seija left the castle, to escape whoever else would be trying to stop her on the 8th day. As she walked, she slowly nodded at Shinyoumaru, holding back a melancholic smile as she walked out of the room.
Back in the present day, Seija looked around at her room, the bitter memories remained in her head, She yawned loudly in the castle, her arm reached for her back as a navy blue cloth was in her hands, unwrapping the chequered cloth around her. On [S break] the day of loneliness, Seija gained the goal she always wanted.
A throne that Seija could always call her own. Thank YouScore: 6.5/10 I treated the Alternate Reality as the main story here, though I'll point out that it's not necessary to mention "Alternate Reality". Even if it's not canon, it's still a fanfic so just treat the major content as being the main story. I really liked the story itself here. The flashback at the start illustrated the close mother-child relationship between Mima and Marisa, which allowed the reader to understand and appreciate Marisa's actions throughout the story. I actually did feel really sad that Marisa chose to sacrifice herself for Mima, and Mima's reaction made sense too. With respect to the theme, I liked how the "fight" referred to Marisa's struggle to release Mima, instead of an obvious physical combat sequence. This is further compounded by the fact that Marisa eventually ends up having to sacrifice herself for it. The motivations were well explained too. This entry suffered from two really big problems though. First, there were a lot of grammar/spelling/punctuation issues which seriously affected the reading experience. Second, the pacing seemed a little too fast, and everything felt rushed. Both of these issues could be improved by proofreading and then making adjustments to make the entry more readable. Aside from these issues, this was a really solid entry. Grammar and stuff Coming Soon Poisonous MelancholyScore: 7/10 Interesting backstory for Medicine. Quite well-written too, imo. I really liked the part where Medicine and Susan were speaking together. The parallelism was really well executed there. I also like how the story seems to be related to how PoFV Medicine always refers to the suzuran flowers as Su-san, even though this was not referenced at all in the story. Unfortunately though, I felt that Susan's story was a little too rushed. In particular, I couldn't grasp why she would ask her dad to just ditch all her stuff, since I was under the impression that the Medicine doll was her only reliable "friend" which helped her deal with her troubles. Considering that she eventually committed suicide, I would assume that her troubles had kept haunting her so she'd still appreciate keeping Medicine when she was 17, at least for sentimental value if anything. Also, Medicine said she was rejected twice. I'm not sure what the two instances are, but my initial impression was that one of them was referring to 17-year-old Susan telling her dad to throw all her stuff away. But if that were the case, it doesn't make sense for Medicine to later have faith in Susan and strive for her sake. I would think that she would be filled with rage towards Susan for this betrayal. Grammar and stuff Coming soon! Ascent Up the MountainScore: 5/10 I'm gonna be honest here. This was really boring to read. It dragged on for quite a while and all it did was retell the story of Mountain of Faith. Well, more like just the events that happen in the game. I don't mind the fact that this wasn't an original story, but it could have at least been told in an interesting manner. There were literally only two sections that amused me: "Rude." (Momiji) and "Yeah. No." (Sanae's assumption). If the whole entry was filled with entertaining Marisa monologues, it'd be a lot better. Or you could have focused on specific segments of MoF (instead of the whole game) and described them in more detail, with interesting dialogues, Marisa thoughts, and maybe even action sequences.
Even if a reader hasn't played MoF before, I feel like this entry would still be a dull read, like reading the Plot section on a Wikipedia page, but in first-person instead. It's more like presenting information than telling a story, if you ask me. At the very least though, it didn't have any notable grammar/punctuation/spelling issues that affected the reading experience. The "Rude" Momiji stood out so much for me (and others too, apparently) that it sorta became a thing on Eientei for a while, which is pretty impressive.
With respect to the round theme, Marisa's motivation for helping Reimu was described well in the first few paragraphs, and this was referenced multiple times throughout her journey, which is pretty good. Her motivation also grew as she observed how the tengu and kappa were affected by Kanako's presence, keeping the entry consistent with the round topic. Beacon of AtonementScore: 8/10 This entry is amazing, seriously. Right from the very beginning, it was written in a really entertaining form that would keep the reader hooked throughout the entire entry. This is especially impressive considering how long it is. This resulted in a beautiful heart-touching story of atonement. The dialogues were also well-written, with the interactions between various characters fitting really well. The main problem I faced with this story is that I have a hard time understanding Murasa's motivations. It's clear early on in the entry that the captain started taking a liking to Murasa and was taking good care of her. Murasa's motivations for sinking ships as a ghost was simply based on her anguish and rage of her life being taken from the storms beyond her control, now wanting the people in other ships to suffer the same fate as she did. What I don't get is how the journal entries shown later flips her perspective. If she was reminded of how nice the captain and other crew members were to her, wouldn't that amplify her rage at how all of that was taken away from her during the storm? Murasa's transition from rage to penitence makes no sense to me. I'm probably misunderstanding or missing something, but after three separate examinations (two if you don't count the pre-edit version), I really feel like extra explanation is seriously warranted, especially since this is the most important component of the whole story. Although not really a problem, it would be nice if the entry wrote about how Murasa felt about her efforts to atone, considering that atonement seems to be the central focus of the story. The huge timeskip to the Epilogue would be an excellent opportunity for Murasa to reminisce about her atonement (which was due to Byakuren's guidance in the first place), instead of focusing purely on Byakuren's situation. With respect to the round theme, representing atonement as the fight was really unique and creative imo. I still have issues understanding the reasons though. Aside from these minor issues, this was a really great entry. Grammar and stuff Coming soon! The Youkai That Wouldn't Give UpScore: 5.5/10 This entry did a really good job in emphasizing the sense of eerieness and dread surrounding the house. The youkai's persistence kept being brought up over and over again, which really allowed the reader to appreciate how important this must have been for the youkai. However, the story feels incomplete, with many unresolved mysteries surrounding the youkai and the old woman. Having a few unanswered questions is fine, but the problem is that I fail to see the point of this entry. It feels like a prologue to a bigger story, but it's meaningless by itself without experiencing the whole story itself. Well-written descriptions are great, but the overall entry should still have at least some kind of independent meaning. With respect to the round topic, the entire entry was about the youkai's reason to fight, so it did very well in that regard. Grammar and stuff Coming soon! Empty Chairs and Empty TablesScore: 5.5/10 I'm guessing this is an original story, not based on any existing fangame, but structured as a Touhou game would be. This is pretty cool, but unfortunately, just like with actual Touhou games, the majority of the stages aren't heavily related to the main plot. In this entry, Stages 1, 2, 3, and 5 seem to be irrelevant to the story, and seemed like they were only inserted as gameplay fillers. This felt especially unnecessary when I came to the realization that this entry is focused purely on Reimu's motivations for resolving incidents in general, which would justify why the details of the "incident" aren't mentioned at all and why the OCs feel generic to the story, with no names or motivations. In my opinion, the structure of the story is interesting, but is not appropriate if the focus of the whole entry is on Reimu's general motivations. As for the actual content (Stages 4 and 6, and the epilogue), they were written pretty well and Reimu's reason to fight was also explained. I feel like there's more to Reimu's motivations though, considering the way Seija and the Stage 6 boss were pushing for an answer. Speaking of Seija, I actually had to look up the legend of Sisyphus, but I would suggest having it briefly explained so that the readers don't have to look it up for themselves. It was a really fitting reference though. The epilogue was quite nice, though I'm kind of confused. Were all of those mementos from people that actually died? The song seems to imply that, but people don't actually die when incidents are resolved under spellcard rules. Grammar and stuff Coming soon! Fixing a Crapsack WorldScore: 7/10 The writing structure of this story made it a bit hard to read, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. There was enough content on Hakurei Sr in her interactions with Reimu that her death was able to affect me. For a moment, I also thought that displaying Flandre's power was meant to relate to the justification of being locked in the mansion for 495 years, but Remilia seemed satisfied with seeing Flandre kill somebody, which feels out of character for Remilia imo. The main issue with this entry, besides the writing structure, was that the pacing felt a little too fast. More details should be added to keep the story well-paced. In particular, I felt that the Hakurei vs Remilia action sequence was really rushed. Also, why is Reimu calling her mother "Senior"? With respect to the round topic, I really liked the fact that the "fight" wasn't only referring to any single combat scene, but was broadened to protecting Gensokyo as a whole, with the spellcard rules being a big step towards achieving that. Overall, this was a very good story that only really lacked a few writing issues. Grammar and stuff Coming soon! Why me?Score: 3.5/10 Short length isn't inherently a flaw, but it's hard to actually include much relevant content when writing such a short piece. There wasn't much to this entry besides a really compressed summary of Subterranean Animism. The writing itself seemed fine though. I would suggest trying to write more so that the entry could convey something meaningful or significant. Grammar and stuff Coming soon! A past can change!Score: 4.5/10 This was a pretty long entry, almost purely written in script form. Using script form is really restrictive, and the lack of other descriptions really hurt the story. There were several dialogues would have fit better as monologues too. It'd be a lot better if you wrote the story in a normal way and only utilized script form for dialogue-heavy sections. Presentation issues aside, the story was interesting at first, as I wondered about how things would turn out while Eiki and Yukari carried out their plans. However, I quickly lost interest as the story kept dragging on. Furthermore, I ended up being really disappointed that Eiki agreed to just drop everything if she lost a danmaku battle. If Eiki was sure that her plan to control Gensokyo would be the best possible outcome, would she really cancel that plan simply because Marisa was able to intervene and beat her in a danmaku battle? With respect to the round topic, I'm still not quite sure what Marisa's motivation was, beyond simply resolving an incident. She clearly didn't seem to mind Eiki's rants about her going to hell for thievery. Overall, this was a somewhat average entry that was further held back by a restrictive writing style. Grammar and stuff Coming soon! A Promise upon a Cherry Blossomed NightScore: 7.5 This was a pretty good entry, fleshing out Yuyuko's backstory and linking it to Yukari/Maribel as well. I'm especially impressed by the rich descriptions, which really defined the atmosphere and made it feel like you were actually there, experiencing the events as they happened. The biggest problem with the entry though, was that Maribel's transformation to Yukari didn't really make much sense. I can understand why she'd be upset that Yuyuko was driven to suicide after she failed to control her powers, but trying to make all youkai bend to your rules doesn't sound like a fitting reaction. There were other smaller issues too. Yuyuko pressing the knife to Maribel's skin doesn't make sense, and I kept rereading that section multiple times before concluding that it was a typo and moving on. Later, Maribel walked to the corpse of a youkai and crushed its head, which she described as being ugly. What significance does this youkai have to the story? What youkai is this anyway? I get the feeling that I might be oblivious to some hidden symbolism, but after three separate readthroughs, I think more explanation is warranted. Please try to proofread your entries properly. Also, it would be better if there were some scenes relating to Maribel trying to help Yuyuko control her power. As it is, I couldn't really feel anything when Yuyuko is revealed to have killed a bunch of people. She had the power to kill and she couldn't control it, that was it. I couldn't really relate to Maribel's feeling of failure. I'm guessing this was supposed to be the essence of the entry, but it wasn't captured very well here imo. Grammar and stuff Coming soon! Struggle of an ImmortalScore: 7.5 This was a pretty nice and emotional story, about Cirno's struggles to protect a future with Daiyousei. It was pretty long, but that ended up enhancing Cirno's suffering. It's interesting how Cirno's perspective was changing after she discovered this curse. I especially liked the part where Cirno compares her imagined happy reunion with the actual depressing reunion, and explaining later that the latter is actually the true victory. It shows that what you might perceive as being an ideal outcome may not be as good as it seems, while true success may lie in a scenario that appears to be bad. The biggest problem with this entry imo was the complete alteration of Cirno's character. She's supposed to be a childish silly idiot, but this entry portrayed her as being serious and intelligent. There were attempts to justify this in the entry, but I have to question why the author would even decide to pick Cirno to represent this in the first place. Even an OC fairy would be a better replacement for Cirno in this entry imo. The implementation of the round topic was interesting, with the obvious combat interpretation being subverted as Cirno describes her efforts in the war as not being a true fight, with the actual focus being on her struggle to secure her future with Daiyousei. There were a bunch of grammatical errors but otherwise, this is a pretty decent entry. Grammar and stuff Coming soon!
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Ariezza
Promised Arclight
Posts: 615
There is now only a white phantom that looks like you
Favorite Game: Double Dealing CharacterFavorite Character: Satori KomeijiCustom Title: Promised ArclightMini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://i.imgur.com/udbtmBy.png","color":""}Mini Profile Text Color: ffffffMini-Profile Name Color: ffffffOverride Avatar (Auto-Extended Mini-Profile): Enable
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Post by Ariezza on Feb 4, 2015 12:00:17 GMT
xXx Round 2 xXx
Announcing results
Such a little quiet world in which I am residing.
Perhaps it has a secret path that leads to the world of yours, the world that I haven't found yet.
February comes together with the final days of Round 2. I myself have heard so many complaints this time about the theme, yet it seems like each of us has made some improvements from the last round. Such a far route we've passed together, after this, only one round is left until the final ending!
No further delay, this shall be the results of Second Round that everyone has been looking forward to energetically.
Please refer to the first posts to see how scores are calculated. Please immediately contact an organizer if we have committed a mistake!
//Judge Entries' Writers Identities Reveal:
Per requested of the judges before Voting Phase started, two pseudo-entries have been posted anonymously, both being sequel of the judge entry 'The Sun and the Flower' last round. We have collected nice information from everyone's guesses, now it's time to reveal:
The Sun and the Flower- Chapter 2: written by Dani.
Sunset and Sunrise: written by Kay.
As everyone could see, participants' scores this time are definitely higher than last round, let's cheer for that~
Eientei Writing Competition Score Board- Second Round
Congratulations to our winners of this round! We truly hope that you all would keep this pace and continue to impress us further and further~
oOo
Eientei Writing Competition Score Board- Temporary Cumulative Score//The sum of first round and second round's scores for each individual participants. Everyone, we only have 1 more round to go. The final winner is going to be decided soon enough! Please do not lose heart, take our judges' advices and please keep participating in this competition with us to the very end! May life be kind to us all, and let us cling together until the end of this competition. Personally, for everyone who has joined, written and voted, we are very proud of your effort.
❆ Kay's Reviews ❆
13. Hijiri’s Lament
“Our differences are too similar” seems out of place going forward. I can’t understand what it’s supposed to mean.
“exterminate between” Doesn’t sound right, you don’t exterminate between things. If the words were rearranged, for example ‘Exterminate, segregate, discriminate between” it could work, but otherwise, it doesn’t. Just leaving out the “between” could be fine, as well.
“Demonise and altercate and contest” feels wrong as well in either direction. “Contest disputes” is redundant to the point of functioning more as a double negative, and “contest creatures” is better, but doesn’t sound right to me.
I think “Why we fight” would be better. “There is no reason why we fight” means the same thing, and starting with “For” is awkward.
“But this ignored” doesn’t really seem to fit in the reverse direction. Why ignore similarity?
Overall, while it’s a very nice use of the theme, and the reversing is cool, there’s a lack of both rhythm and emotion. I think you might have been better off turning it into a normal story, the reading backwards gimmick is the only real loss there would need to be, and even if it was just Byakuren monologuing, prose would give you the opportunity to add more depth than you were able to here. If you want to stick to poetry, a more restrictive form would probably at least help with the rhythm aspect.
12. A past can change!
Good choice to begin with a prologue-like scene to add tension without compromising the more peaceful beginning of the story.
Don’t use acronyms unless a character is actually using them. If that person actually had a reason to say it as “the ess-dee-emm”, I guess it works, but otherwise, take the time to spell it out.
What was Marisa dreaming about? It’s not really clear whether you meant the earlier scene or something else here, and more detail about what memory Marisa referred to would be a good idea, as well.
Why is Marisa talking to herself about Nitori’s arrival? Is there a reason besides that showing unspoken thoughts is difficult in script format?
Check on the door? What would she have done with it? Would she normally leave it unlocked? Why would she eat breakfast in the garden, anyway? Or talk to herself about it?
“Due to” is unusually formal phrasing for Marisa.
Marisa's "da ze" is weird. It requires being familiar with her dialogue with the right translation or none, and it’s kind of out of place when the entry is otherwise in English. imo, either leave it out or try to figure out something to substitute that’s more appropriate to an English work. For example, “Get inside already~”.
“when she speaks in a manner many will see as self-satisfactory” This sounds too.... subjective and hesitant for omniscient third-person narration. Describing her as speaking in a satisfied manner would be fine. Alternately, Marisa or any other specific observer might note that she sounded that way, or even that “many” might think so. But unless you’re narrating from their point of view or they are making that observation themselves, don’t be wishy-washy about it.
The dialogue between Nitori and Marisa here sounds natural and is fairly effective humor, good.
In general, it’s better to spell out numbers, particularly low numbers.
“What the 2 mysterious characters didn't know” It would be more abnormal if they did know. I think this statement doesn’t really contribute much to the story.
Slapping people and being careful sound a little odd together. I can see what you meant, but phrasing it differently or more clearly might make it sound less strange.
“ever so arrogant tengu reporter” Unnecessary. Just show Aya’s actions and let the reader judge her themselves, instead of using such a blatant statement. If you want to make sure you get the point across, do it through more dialogue.
Marisa sure does talk to herself a lot here.
Pretty good work on Kanako’s dialogue, seems reasonably in-character for her. Why doesn’t she care at all about how Marisa found out about the negotiations, though?
Why doesn’t Eiki just tell Yukari to make Reimu do her job, it’s they’re working together?
It’s a bit unclear whether Eiki deliberately had Aya inform Marisa of what was going on, and why Marisa may or may not have been dreaming about it earlier. Or how much Yukari understood her plan.
It would have made the fight scene more interesting if Marisa had more clearly won through her own skill, and not just Nitori’s work being better than she expected. I do like how something mentioned early on as an unimportant detail turned out to be important later, though. Also, unless you’re supposed to be writing a screenplay instead, stick to normal prose. Scripts really aren’t effective. You have to almost completely sacrifice imagery, actions and unidentified characters become awkward to include, and characters have to talk to themselves enough to unnerve a seasoned psychiatrist to make sense, with no significant benefit. I do like how the theme is relevant to both characters’ actions.
11. The Youkai that wouldn't give up
Interesting start to the story. Get rid of the ellipse at the very beginning.
Why isn’t there any description of this unnamed youkai beyond of his determination? What did he look like? What kind of youkai was he? How did he fight? Did he say anything?
“His death had taken me by surprise, I had believed him to be immortal.” Why did Reimu keep fighting him, then?
“Walking through the trees I saw a beautiful dance of light and shadows” Keep the “beautiful” assessment in Reimu’s analysis, not the first description. Point out what she actually sees, and leave it to the reader to visualize it themselves and make their own judgements about how it looks. Nice descriptions of the surroundings, otherwise.
It’s possible that not everyone is familiar with Mugenkan. More specific comparisons to explain the reference would be better.
A one-inch wide distance would be very hard to notice, I think. Making it a bit larger might not be a bad idea.
How did Reimu identify that there might have been a flower garden there?
I like Reimu’s reaction to the coffin.
Neat ending, in some ways. I think less mystery would be better, though. Have a note explaining his feelings be found in the coffin as well, or something. Also, I assumed at first that the youkai couldn’t actually speak, since he seemingly didn’t. If he had that close a relationship with a human, though, it doesn’t make as much sense. If that isn’t the case, why wouldn’t he have explained his actions at all? I like that theme focused on someone else’s reason for fighting, and not the protagonist’s. But it’s hard to care about a story that revolves around a totally unknown character and a bunch of unanswered questions. It’s like a beautifully wrapped gift box that someone already took the present out of. Starting the story a little earlier, like when Reimu first encountered or heard about the youkai, might help.
10. A Throne to Call her Own
Nice description of the area.
"her hair was the most mysterious however" In a neutral narration, avoid judgements. Just describe Seija's hair, let the readers decide for themselves if it's mysterious. If you want to indicate that black, white, and red hair is uncommon even in Gensokyo, identify it as such instead of "mysterious".
"this girl was called Seija Kijin and she attempted to fix society as she saw fit." This introduction is a bit too straightforward. Try to incorporate it more smoothly into the story
Indicate the start the flashback more clearly. Use a scene break or italics or something.
I don't know what word you meant to use, but I think it might not have been "compromise". My best guess is "composure", but Seija doesn't seem to be struggling to regain that if she's speaking calmly immediately afterward.
As a general rule, it's best to spell out numbers, at least low ones.
If Reimu is attacking with apparent ease, then she's hardly at the mercy of Seija. Dramatic phrasing is fine, but make sure it's accurate.
It's not very clear what Reimu had started to say. Let her finish her sentence if it won't be obvious.
"greeted by the familiar sight" That phrase has a very out-of-place connotation. Describe the scene in a more fitting way.
"and false words came out of her mouth." Was she trying to deceive Reimu? What was false about them?
The ending of the flashback is very hard to identify. Again, do something to make it clearer.
“giant glass stained window that showed the legend of Issun-bōshi, greatly altered by Seija.” Altered by Seija? How so? Also, while I like the reference, it’s a bit obscure and could use explanation.
Unclear flashback again.
The ending is a little unclear. Is there something preventing anyone from coming after Seija again? How has she accomplished this goal? It was never really clear why Seija was throwing the dolls in the beginning, either.
The reminiscence about Shinmyoumaru is neat, and the dialogue isn’t bad. The characters don’t seem to act inconsistent with canon, and emotions all seem natural. The fight descriptions are pretty good. The entire story is a bit incoherent, though, and mostly made up of flashbacks of canon incidents. Sentences ending in strange places and odd phrasing make it more confusing to read, as well.
9. Thank you
Good start to the story, immediately presenting conflict. Nice way of prompting the memory instead of inserting a flashback randomly, as well as showing a reason for Marisa's strong emotions.
Was there anywhere in particular Marisa left to? Either way, why did she fly away?
Marisa's "ze" feels out of place and could be confusing. I think you should either leave it out or try to substitute something more appropriate to English.
I think you should try to end the introduction or start the extra chapter so that they don't contradict each other. Did Marisa leave the desk, or not?
I like the description of the paper crackling. Marisa's thought process here seems realistic enough, as well.
The description of Marisa acting like Mima is good, as well.
I know the effect you were going for by writing that sentence without spacing, but making it that painful to read isn't worth it.
Yuuka's reaction seems pretty good. Clarify why she tried to attack Marisa. To discipline her? To stop her from acting stupidly?
Good description of the mansion, and the dialogue between Mima and Yuuka. Also, I like that you explained how Mima identified that Marisa was dead.
The characters act realistically, the concept is good and is a neat use of the theme, the dialogue isn't bad. The rapid perspective switches are a little odd and fewer might be better. More visual description might help, as well. The biggest problem, though, is just that the entire thing is painfully, distractingly hard to read.
8. Poisonous Melancholy
Good start to the story. Try to avoid starting sentences with "and". It doesn't add anything.
Would have to be a fairly small doll to fit into a pocket well. Not necessarily a problem, but it's something to be aware of. I'd also describe a doll in more different ways, like what is it made out of, and such.
"A middle-aged woman stood behind them" Who did she stand behind? If Susan and her father are hugging each other, then presumably they're facing different directions. She can't be behind both of them, in that case.
"who didn't seem amused." What made her seem unamused? Did her expression not change? Did she simply nod curtly? You can show this, instead of just stating it.
Susan's reaction to her mother's order sounds a little too... mellow. I would expect a more emotional response, at least an unspoken one. Even a little kid would at least probably be concerned.
Good dialogue here, it's emotional without being overdone. I think Susan's explanation to Medicine is a little too overt and straightforward, though.
I don't see why you didn't actually point out Medicine's name then, for people not very familiar with her. Doesn't seem like it could hurt to do so.
"In a certain room" Sounds a bit odd. If you want to say it's the same room, I think you'd do better describing some unchanging detail about it in both cases instead, or even just outright saying so.
"the body of an average 17-year-old girl" Not the most useful description, imo. If the intention was to indicate her age, do so separately, and describe her appearance in a way that's more relevant to the story. Describing her as blond at this point is also odd, since her physical appearance wasn't described in the earlier flashback at all. If you want people to be able to picture her, try to place that description earlier. You could even use it as a symbol by saying she had the same hair color as her father but not her mother, or looked kind of like Medicine, or something like that.
"was busy reading the latest news regarding her favourite pop group on her phone." This could also be shown less obtrusively while revealing more information. "She held a phone in one hand, staring at it with a bored expression. The headline 'Buried Alive touring this week' would have been visible over her shoulder, if the door to her room wasn't closed."
It would be interesting if it was indicated why Susan is apparently now living with her father, whether that's why they're moving, what had affected her current personality, whether she's still being bullied at school... generally a lot of things that could be said here.
The step-by-step details of her father throwing away Medicine wasn't a bad idea, but I think it could have been done better. "Got near a trash can" is kind of awkward phrasing.
Best to avoid using less common Japanese terms without indicating what they mean.
Susan's and Medicine's feelings are both unclear here. Does Medicine feel that Susan betrayed her, and is trying to convince herself otherwise later on? If not that, what is she that angry because of? Who does Susan feel betrayed by? She doesn't seem particularly close to anyone. What drove her to commit suicide?
The parallels here make me think Medicine might have intentionally picked a fight she wasn't likely to win. This could perhaps use to be made clearer either way.
"Then make them become friends as well." Make who become friends with who?
Minimize superlatives in dialogue. "Really tired" doesn't say anything that "tired" doesn't. Better yet, you could illustrate how tired she was. For example, if she tried to remember Susan's face and couldn't think clearly enough to do so, or couldn't get up again.
What are Medicine's feelings about dying? Does she have any regrets, or accept it calmly? Try to indicate that if you can.
The plot seems a bit half-baked. It's still somewhat emotional, at least, but not well enough explained. The beginning is good.
7. Beacon of Atonement
"The captain, looking as fearsome as could be" What makes the captain look fearsome? Describing something instead of just telling readers the effect of its appearance is always better, and here it would be more important. You're lacking in visual description already - I don't even know whether this captain is a man or a woman. If this mystery is intentional, you might want to think about other ways to accomplish it - a scene people can't visualize won't have as much affect.
Otherwise, good start to the story.
"who tapped his wooden leg to the tune of his hum" This seems a bit unclear to me. I can't tell whether you mean he's tapping the leg with his hand, or tapping it against the floor, or something else entirely. It sounds a bit strange. Ignoring that, it's a good description.
"I really doubt that you don't actually have a recipe for that." The double negative is a bit confusing to read.
The cook's name kinda came out of nowhere there. It's a little jarring to figure out who it refers to. Have the captain use his name or something first to make it clearer. Good dialogue, though.
The captain is still a bit too unknown.
The next paragraph is very nice, I can't find anything to object to.
Good description here. Nice way of showing Murasa's thought process about the anchor. I can tell that you tried to make her violent transformation be understandable, and it's not bad, but it could be improved on. Add something clearer and earlier about her resenting other people living instead, maybe.
Nice work explaining the background of why Byakuren and company were there. I like the touch of Ichirin sympathizing with the locals' wariness, makes sense considering that she was originally human. Pretty good dialogue, as well.
Pretty creative use of the diary to show what was going on. Good writing there, too.
"As she finished the last (unfortunate) entry" Notes in parentheses kinda disrupt the flow of the story. Try to work them in more smoothly. Was the last entry the last one shown, or something unknown? What was unfortunate about it?
"just as she did the very first day she stepped on this ship." Good repetition here, although pointing it out a bit more subtly might help.
"She waited a bit, and nodded." Sounds a bit awkward. This is seemingly being described from Murasa's perspective, so it's better not to describe her hesitation as waiting a bit unless she did it deliberately. Showing her reason for waiting would work better, for example, "She allowed herself a few more moments to relive those memories, then nodded, wiping away a tear" or something along those lines.
The explanation of Byakuren's imprisonment is a bit too overt, but not that bad. The description of the time elapsed is good, anyway. The dialogue, as well.
Overall, it's a beautiful and creative concept, the characters act realistically, you do a good job showing the changes in Murasa's personality, and the small touches of humor are well integrated and not out of place. It would be interesting if her name was explained a bit more. Did the captain actually give it to her, and if so, why did she choose it? The association of the captain and Byakuren is a nice touch, and explains Murasa's loyalty well. The biggest problem I can see is that one of the most important characters has no name, no visual description beyond "fearsome", and a vague implication of gender once she no longer appears in the story.
6. Ascent Up the Mountains
"I have never seen my friend, Reimu Hakurei, so down in the dumps until now." This can be rephrased to show the same information more subtly. With the style you're using, a blatant introduction isn't as bad as it would be otherwise, but still not as good.
You take a bit too long to reveal the protagonist as being Marisa, imo, and even then, I think it could benefit from being clearer.
"The scenery around here was fairly spectacular, with bright trees surrounding the clear blue river as it coursed through the area." Don't say that the scenery is spectacular, describe it more instead. Make the reader decide it's spectacular for themselves.
"I could feel my heart beating really fast." Superlatives in narrative are usually unhelpful and... kind of like an easy way to try to add more description without really doing so. There's a quote by Mark Twain: “Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.” Beating really fast and beating fast mean the same thing, the exact speed isn't relevant. The only difference is that one is a failed attempt to make the statement have a bigger impact.
Sort of a weird time to end the story. I don't feel like leaving out Kanako's fight serves any purpose. Even if you choose to end the story with unanswered questions, there should still be a sense of it clearly being an ending. Something should be resolved. The story should have conveyed some meaning. The characters should have grown or succeeded or fallen or failed. None of that happened here. There's just a cliffhanger that won't mean much because the story is hard to care about.
Overall... Marisa's personality seems consistent with canon. Reimu doing nothing herself and being that defeatist seems a bit unlike her. There's really not much that makes it more than a simple novelization of MoF. I assume you left the dialogue out because you would have to either copy the canon dialogue to some degree, or openly ignore canon. I think it still hurt the story. Dialogue might have added some of the emotion that this story is sorely lacking. As it is, it doesn't make the reader feel anything. Reimu is sad. Marisa wants to help her and beats some people up. The end. There's no meaning in that.
5. Empty Chairs and Empty Tables
Try to make it clear as soon as possible why the protagonist is doing at least the more obvious things. Reimu has been spending hours going to a weird mountain in a desert, okay. But why? No one will care about seemingly meaningless actions.
Clarity is important, but sometimes you should trust your readers to know things. Like that forests in deserts aren't common. If you wanted to show this as an observation Reimu made, show it as such, not as a dissociated parenthesized statement.
If Reimu was simply reminded of Cirno in some way, that should probably be clearly explained. My first thought was that it was some kind of illusion. If this was intentional, it works, but unless it's specifically what you want, avoid confusing stuff.
"A quick note about the spell card system." Don't throw blatant notes into narrative. Work them in subtly if you can. If you really, truly can't and they're really important, add an introduction or footnote or something. In this case, the rest of the explanation without that sentence calling it a note would suffice.
Avoid specific measurements if they aren't relevant in some way. If that's difficult, a single estimate would work better if you really want to just describe the area.
Elaborate a little more on how beat up the colorful youkai are, or anything indicating who attacked them, I would suggest.
Seija's dialogue here is pretty cool. Finally a proper plot hook, as well. This is, imo, the best part of the entry.
"Her Cheshire grin had never left her face." Good description, I like this.
I'm assuming based on the mistaken identity assumptions that Reimu has some kind of PTSD making her relive the events of one of the games (EoSD?), but that might be me overthinking things. In any case, you should really indicate it more strongly, starting at the very beginning. It would add some much-needed reason to care about the story early on.
Why are you referring to this enemy as both a "woman" and as "it"?
The dialogue here isn't bad, but it would be nice if you implied a little bit more what had actually happened. With the "status quo" statement and emphasis on avoiding change, combined with Seija being the only other canon character, I'm inclined to interpret it as a Bad End to DDC, but some degree of clear explanation beyond "bad stuff happened, everyone died" would be preferable.
The ending is beautiful. Also, I like the use of the music player to justify the song lyrics, and the in-character unclear description of it.
The biggest problem is the slow start. Until Stage 4, it's ridiculously dull. Reimu is doing usual enough Reimu stuff for no apparent reason. There's nothing to care about. If it wasn't my job to read the entries, I would have decided it wasn't worth reading. Add more little details like Reimu not taking time to fight the girl to hint at the plot right from the start. Call attention to them more. The descriptions of the landscape are mostly really good, and Seija and Reimu both have interesting and realistic emotions. The Reimu-stalker armor kid, a bit less so. The generic enemies could use a little more time as well. Making it harder for Reimu to deal with them would kill two birds with one stone, the entire story is too easy for her. It doesn't feel to me that she accomplished anything meaningful. Solid but creative use of the theme, and good concept.
4. Why me?
So many things that aren't stated. What was Reimu thinking before she encountered Utsuho? Did she have any hesitation about going on a completely unknown mission? What is the big change between having a good reason to fight Utsuho, and a less compelling but nonetheless good enough reason to fight Kisume, Yamame, Parsee, Yuugi, Satori, and Rin? How did Reimu know that Utsuho was also oblivious to the problem? What was her response to being asked about the spirits? There's so much that could add to this story, and so little that's actually written.
The characters act consistently with canon, and the phrasing is good. The concept is solid, but doesn't really go past basic. I'd say the "confused by what she has said" is unnecessary. What else would have prompted Reimu's confusion?
It is possible for very short stories to work. But extremely difficult. Generally, building up enough emotion for people to care about the story takes at least multiple paragraphs.
If you have trouble thinking of what else to write, figure out what would come first, or what would come next. Don't worry about actually writing the scenes, just determine the situation. Think of how the characters might act or feel. What emotion does it cause? Does it add anything valuable to the story, or could it just be summarized as "Reimu beat up a bunch of youkai because why not"? If it's the latter, what could you change to make it more emotional? What would make the protagonist angry, hurt, sad, happy, discouraged? A little bit of dialogue that touches a nerve can add emotional resonance to any scene. Think of as many scenes as you can that add meaning to the story.
3. Fixing a Crapsack World
"For a change of pace"?? You at least make it sufficiently clear later that she has a better motivation, so why say this at all? You don't just take your kid to fight monsters because you're bored. (...okay, considering Reimu fights monsters just because she's bored, maybe it's possible, but still unlikely to be realistic.)
Unless Reimu had been outside Gensokyo much, would she specify that it was dangerous? What is it dangerous in comparison to? It would be more fitting to say vampires were dangerous, or battles, or something. The more normal something is to a character, the less likely they are to specify it.
Don't use acronyms in narrative. It looks sloppy and can be jarring.
Um, shouldn't she have learned basic fighting techniques already, even if she hadn't tried using them against an actual enemy before? Can you imagine someone in the real world saying "hey, kid, try throwing a couple of practice punches. Okay, great, now go pick a fight with that gangster. I'll give you some more tips as you go"? I doubt it. If the goal was teaching her self-defense, a few lessons at home first would be easier, more practical, and less dangerous.
How can they see the fairies without being seen themselves? At least, I assume the fairies can't see them. Would be weird if they were just passively watching an impromptu martial arts lesson right outside the gate.
Is enemy territory the best place to have a nice family discussion about attitudes toward violence? Maybe add that they hid somewhere out of sight so Reimu's concern could be resolved, or something along those lines.
Talking heads here. What are they doing besides talking? Are either of them reacting in any way physically? Facial expressions, movements? What does Reimu think while watching?
"A fierce battle then ensued." Show, don't tell. "Remilia leapt forward, spear pointed straight at Senior" would indicate this as well, for instance, without being as in-your-face.
Decent description of the fight.
"she reacted as anyone would." This is, at best, telling and not showing. It doesn't need to be said. If Reimu's reaction is believable, the reader will think it anyway.
"Began to reminisce" is too peaceful and deliberate for the context. Phrase it in a sharper way.
Why is Reimu calling her "Mommy" now, but not earlier? This isn't really a bad thing, it could be showing her more emotional state. The bigger question is why she didn't do it before. Awfully eloquent and sensible statement for a distressed kid, too. People don't react sensibly to death.
"I'm so glad you're alright, sis~" Not sure whether it's Flandre or Remilia speaking here, or which of them went to deal with Reimu. I'm guessing it's Remilia, but since she was hurt, it might make sense for it to be Flandre.
Why did Reimu just run away promptly? The Scarlets just killed her mother, it's extremely spineless of her to not even say anything. I won't say it's wrong, but you should have a reason for it.
"While walking the rest of the way home she was thinking:" Show her thinking that. Don't just point it out. And, again, that's a rather... overly rational response.
Yukari's sudden impatience with Reimu is a bit too harsh, I think.
Again, Reimu should act a little bit more distraught. For example, why is she happy? Yukari just showed her something that could have prevented her mother's death if she had acted sooner.
Overall, neat concept, and not bad if somewhat cliche use of the theme. Remilia's behavior seems somewhat out of character. Use more dialogue tags. Don't worry about messing them up. A few too many "said"s never killed anyone. Think about how you would feel about things in place of the characters. Unnatural emotions are the single biggest problem.
2. A Promise Upon a Cherry Blossomed Night
Were Maribel's hands actually dusty, or was a reflex or gesture of success? Had she summoned a shikigami before, someplace else? Not very obvious what Onmyouji means, and does it have anything to do with her meeting Yuyuko? Had she summoned the shikigami to give it to Yuyuko (which might add a subtle implication that her desire to give something to her friend had helped her succeed), or did she think of it right then? This paragraph would be good if it was phrased a bit more clearly, although the detail of how long Maribel had been in Gensokyo seems a little too overt.
Saying it's a Japanese style garden isn't as meaningful as describing it. It's uninformative unless you know what a Japanese garden looks like, and even then, isn't as good as describing the garden itself more. What makes the Japanese style identifiable? Describe those things instead.
I'd describe the butterfly a little more. How did she know it was dead? Were its wings bent unnaturally, or was it clearly wounded? If it was just not moving, it would be hard to immediately identify.
Also, being scared that much by a dead bug is a bit unusual, I'd say. Most people see dead insects a lot. Unless Maribel has some relevant phobia I don't know about or was concerned about why Yuyuko was holding a dead butterfly rather than the butterfly itself, I think it was quite an excessive reaction. I expect she'd be more shocked by Yuyuko's confession. I mean, this is subjective, maybe I'm just weird and not scared enough by dead bugs, but it seems odd to me. Definitely, though, more of her reaction to what Yuyuko says should be included as well. Elaborate on why she's cursing herself. What does she regret, exactly? Would she have talked to Yuyuko before, in retrospect?
Who doesn't allow Yuyuko close to strangers? Does someone in her family know about her abilities? Is there someone else watching over her?
"while I lied to you that I was sick!" This doesn't really make sense. What happened, if she wasn't actually sick? Referencing the past vaguely is good, but don't raise noticeable questions you won't answer.
If Maribel knew about it, then her surprise about the butterfly to the point that she was still looking scared when Yuyuko explained was an even bigger overreaction. I think a faster reaction from Yuyuko would be better, as well.
Very good imagery here, and pretty good conclusion to the scene. It might have been good to include Yuyuko's reaction to the shikigami, as well, but it works this way.
Again, nice description.
Maribel wouldn't know how her face looks. Try to show her shock in some other way.
Whose blood was on Yuyuko's hands? I'm guessing that it's her own, since she doesn't seem to be killing things in a very gory way, but it's a bit unclear.
“No…this can’t be happening. No that’s not what we promised… No, I’ve failed…?” thoughts whirled like a tornado in my head. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. Quotation marks indicate that she spoke out loud. "Thoughts" indicates that she didn't. "No words came out" indicates that she didn't. I can't tell which it is. I think speaking out loud would probably be better.
"But enticing as a vat of dark chocolate invited you to be enveloped in it." This is a very nice description, ignoring the lack of sentence structure.
Nice repetition of Yuyuko holding the dead shikigami like the dead butterfly.
"she pressed the knife to my skin" I know it's just a mistyped thing but that one is really jarring.
Kind of odd that she wouldn't try to say goodbye to Maribel or anything.
Why is Maribel seeming to blame youkai? This doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
“Yes, it’s the sakura season now.” Within this story alone, it's hard to see the significance of this statement. Perhaps add a reminiscence about how much Yuyuko liked flowers, or something. Still, it's not a big problem, especially since it doesn't require much canon information to understand.
The general lack of detail on the shikigami is a bit weird, as well.
"with its voice as monotonous as an old university professor." This description is great, though.
"While a dark portal, a single eye was glaring at my back, I ignored it." The significance of this statement is something I'm unsure of. It took a while to figure out that it was Maribel's ability at all, and even then, it seems strange to describe it in such a hostile way.
Don't say outright that the tree is dead, the description does that well enough. It would be based on those things that she would know it was dead, anyway.
Good dialogue and narrative here, with the little details like the subtle indication of time elapsed. Nice symbolism of her dropping the parasol and then opening the fan.
Was there a reason why she picked that name? What are her thoughts on having become a youkai, when she was acting hostile toward them in the past? Also, it seems a bit... unclear, regarding Maribel's motives. Her promise was to learn to control her powers with Yuyuko. She was fighting to keep her promise. Those are clear. But, what is the exact connection between that and being the protector of Gensokyo? Does she want to make sure no one else loses control of their abilities? Does she view it as the highest mastery of her abilities? Does it have some relation to her earlier racism? All in all, not a bad entry, but it feels rushed.
1. Struggle of an Immortal
Good start to the story. Description is mostly good, except for Cirno's perception being... extreme. I'm not sure how to say it clearly, but it's odd how she goes from apparently only being aware of screaming to only being aware of pain to fairly normal mental function. I'd drop a note in earlier about her being in pain but not call attention to it, because she would probably still be in pain while screaming and just not be focusing on it the same way.
"I started recalling where I was." Recalling would mean she had previously been aware she was there. Was this intentional, or would it be more accurate to say she started realizing it? If the implication was intentional, it's good. I'm just unsure, since nothing else seems to back it up and there's no harm in pointing it out.
"I could feel my skin burning through my entire body, to the extent that I expected to hear my own flesh sizzling as it was being pressed by red-hot iron plates." Very good imagery here.
"I've been in this state ever since I woke up just now" This is too much of an overt statement. Try to present this information to the writer more subtly. Would you think to yourself "I've been sad ever since this morning" or something like that? For example, I would suggest "The pain hadn't faded at all in the few moments since I woke up".
Good job with Cirno's analysis and description of her surroundings, and subtly identifying her.
"And now I have to deal with this intense pain." This sounds odd to me. Kind of... bland. Also, strange for her to be noting that she must be severely injured to be there. Wouldn't the pain already indicate that?
This would be one of the few times when I think adding a detail about how a character sounds would be meaningful. Is Cirno instructing them to kill her relatively calmly, because she's used to it? Does she snap at them harshly, not understanding why no one did it earlier? In any case, it could be made more interesting than "that was all I said." That she said nothing else could presumably be understood anyway. Otherwise, not a bad job of conveying information within the story.
Again, there are more interesting dialogue tags to use here.
Good job both describing and identifying Eirin and Reisen without breaking from character.
Not sure about Reisen's dialogue here. Does it make sense for her to be questioning Eirin?
Several commas outside the quotation marks. They should be inside, immediately after the dialogue.
"I was already becoming accustomed to the pain and decided I might as well hear what Eirin had to say." The "decided" is not really necessary in any case, it can be inferred that she decided that based on her thoughts and reply. Since she continues to think about why listening to Eirin would be worthwhile, it would make more sense to exclude it. In general, the narrative here sounds a little awkward.
I assume there were no other patients there, if Eirin signaled for everyone else to leave? Or did Cirno just overlook them?
"Eirin waited until only me, Eirin, and the rabbit remained" Mentioning Eirin by name again doesn't sound right.
"It would start off with intense pain that would only get worse until it reaches the stage where you could no longer feel anything" I think this should be will and can, not would and could.
Reisen is being awfully blunt. I don't know her canon dialogue that well, or how you interpreted her personality, so as long as you intended it for a reason, I don't think this is a problem.
Good work explaining your interpretation of Cirno here.
Slightly odd aspect of the story concept here - how do you consider fairy respawning to work? Is the physical organ of the brain relevant, for instance having to be intact for the duration of the few hours until they respawn for some kind of data transfer? Does this mean fairies would lose their memories or die normally or otherwise be permanently/seriously affected if they were completely blown to pieces in an explosion or something? Or is it meant to refer to the mind or some other metaphysical thing instead? If you have a strong idea worked out, you should try to make it clearer. Eirin's personality should make this relatively easy to have her explain long complicated things. If you're having trouble with the mechanisms being realistic, it is a curse, just say it will erase her memories regardless of what happens to her body and let it be simple.
Nice explanation of Eirin's motivation. "Aches my heart" sounds a little odd. "My heart aches" or "it breaks my heart" would be normal phrasing, but the compromise between them is strange. It works, though.
Cirno wouldn't really know her face was pale, I think. Or what she was forgetting. Try to accomplish the same information being conveyed with a more subtle implication. For instance, something like "I stared at the opposite wall, feeling nothing but coldness."
Wonderful imagery here.
"This was my decision." Sounds a little odd here, not entirely clear that it refers to Cirno going to find Daiyousei. It could be, for instance, leaving on her own instead of asking for help getting there. I'd think maybe you should add something to clarify that.
Nice way of implying the sequel to Lament of a Lunate Elf. I like the elaboration on it, as well. A few switches to present tense here. Overall, good narrative for these paragraphs. Beautiful ideas behind it, as well.
"Back then, I imagined" I can't think Cirno would have just imagined their reunion back then, probably more recently as well. Unless her expectation changed, "until now" or something would probably be more accurate.
Otherwise, quite good. I kind of wonder why Cirno didn't actually at least try to tell Daiyousei about her fate, though. Even if it wasn't as necessary, it would at least probably spare Daiyousei some pain to not just suddenly encounter a girlfriend who didn't know her anymore. Good timing on the ending.
The biggest problem I see is Reisen's timing. I think the effect would be better, and it would certainly be more in accordance with normal guidelines, if things were switched around a bit. Have Cirno try to reach a figure she could see through the snow and imagined was Dai, or Reisen carry her part of the way there claiming that going any further would delay her too much and interfere with her work, or something like that. But the protagonist should generally reach a clear goal through their own work. Right before the major victory is the worst time to be helped along. That major victory doesn't have to be the obvious thing - the sidekick can kill the mastermind while the hero kills the stronger second-in-command, or the other way around. It's whatever the hero succeeds at that is clearly marked as "winning". Trudging part of the way isn't winning unless it's marked as such.
Good use of the theme - the transition from one struggle to another, and Cirno's greater determination work well. Also, good job indicating the CirnoxDai pairing early on, so that it didn't seem sudden later.
❆ Dani's Reviews ❆
Hijiri's Lament Pros: You had the guts to write a poem, that's impressive. I liked the fact that it has two different readings, in my mind it works very well because I can see Byakuren loosing hope in her ideals when she got sealed and then understanding that she has to keep fighting because there is always hope. It seems like a realistic portrait of the character. Then again, this is very subjective and I'm probably giving it a deeper reading than you intended it anyway.. "The very creatures humans imagined and created" - I especially like the fact you mentioned that. It does make us wonder that humans are afraid of their own creations.
Cons: There are a couple of sentences that sound a bit awkward when read in the normal way like: "But this ignored" and "Discriminate, segregate, exterminate between". "Discriminate, segregate, exterminate between The very creatures humans imagined and created, we cannot" -- The "between" doesn't make sense with the next sentence. I would remove the word altogether. Suggestions: Your poem could use some more symbolism and "read between the lines" factor. The two readings bit is fun but it isn't particularly difficult to achieve. 57/100
A Throne to Call her Own Pros: I liked the way you described Seija's monotony and solitude, not only my using description but by using objects, such as the blanket, to elaborate on that.
I see a lot of effort to describe everything, from the fighting to the scenery. That's great to see. Cons: "(..)the sky was a marvellous sight with a view only residents would relax under it's clear sky" - the last clear sky should be removed, you're repeating yourself. " Inside the castle itself, it tricks any unfortunate person to enter, people who expected the floor and the ceiling to be ordinary was surprised to find the floor to be the ceiling and vice versa." - It should be "people were surprised". Also, the sentence between commas is disconnected to the rest of the sentence. You should either remove it entirely. Describing is good in a text, but you shouldn't keep repeating the same information all the time. There are a few instances where this occurs, but the most notable one is "the Shining Needle Castle that was buried inside the magical storm." You had previously mentioned the magical storm twice, there is no need to repeat it. There are some sentences that get confusing due to the wrong usage of a word. There are several instances where this happens and I can make an elaborated review on them if you want. Some examples of it are "(...)the Miracle Mallet that laid to once withdrawn Youkai to rage uncontrollably."; "She remembered the day as the Shrine Maiden". In the first example, it isn't clear what you mean by "laid", I suppose you meant "said", but the "withdrawn" not only is in the wrong tense but it also doesn't make any sense with the "youkai to rage uncontrollably" part, it makes it hard to understand if the mallet is supposed to remove the rage or to make the youkai rage. As for the second example, it should be "that". I was confused to whether Seija's castle was being raided in that moment or if it was a memory.
Suggestions: There are a few forced sentences here and there and some confusing words. I take it you're not a native speaker so you should keep writing and improving. When you're not 100% sure of what a word means, double-check it. I do that all the time too.
In a story, if you decide to give characters relevance, as you did my mentioning Marisa and Sakuya, you should get them involved in the action. If you don't want to, then it's better not to mention them at all since it will seem like they just stood there watching Reimu fight. Also, you should've elaborated a lot more about Seija and Sukuna's friendship as that was the focal point of all the conflict. Mentioning she fought Reimu to help Seija isn't enough to give her betrayal a meaningful impact. 55/100
Thank you
Pros: I like the concept for this story, I can definitely see Marisa doing her best to save her teacher. Marisa's feelings seem relatable and realistic.
"Thank you Mistress Mima, for giving me a reason to live while you were here and giving me a reason to fight now that you're not. I'll unseal you ze." - I really like this sentence. It's a good way to create empathy for Marisa and Mima. Cons: There are a lot of missing commas throughout the text, it gets in the way of reading this. "(...) to save My Mistress", the "my" should be capitalized. Actually, there are a few problems with forgetting to add capital letters or putting capital letters in words that don't need them. "I does as she asks" Spell-checking is your friend. Try to separate the dialogues. Instead of writing ""Hello Yuuka do you mind going away or must I show you out?" "Hello Mima, I'm not going because I'm going to convince you that you gave her a cause to risk her life for so don't waste it." she glares at me as if I was a stupid child that needed a harsh break into reality, which in a way I was. " Write: "Hello Yuuka do you mind going away or must I show you out?" "Hello Mima, I'm not going because I'm going to convince you that you gave her a cause to risk her life for so don't waste it." She glares at me as if I was a stupid child that needed a harsh break into reality, which in a way I was. " It's less cumbersome and makes it a lot easier and less confusing to read. I didn't understand why you added the extra chapter between the first part of the story and the last two paragraphs. I would understand it if your extra chapter could be linked back to the last paragraphs but from what I understood, it has no connection at all since it's implied that Marisa hasn't unsealed Mima yet and, well, since Marisa is dead in the extra chapter. Talking about Marisa dying, I don't think it's realistic for Mima and Yuuka have that comedic exchange or for Mima to laugh when her apprentice, who was like a daughter to her, just died. It seems very out of place to me and makes Mima look like she didn't care for Marisa at all. (Just ask yourself, would you feel like laughing if someone you cared about had just died trying to "save" you?). You can't aim for both tragedy and comedy at the same time. I think you should've mentioned why Mima wanted to stay sealed since it keeps getting mentioned but is never explained.
Suggestions: "(...)what if I had a chance to die?" - It should be "If there was a chance that I could die." Usually, the expression "if I had a chance to" is used to show guilt, regret of wishing for an opportunity to do something. It's used for this kind of situation. I think you should've elaborated a bit more on why Marisa was defending Mima. What had happened and such so that it didn't come out of the blue. I know it's a memory, but you could have said something like "I was around the village when someone started to insult Lady Mima, I couldn't let that happen." Also, I think the story could benefit if you added a bit more background to the characters, since there isn't an official explanation for Marisa and Mima's relationship, it would've been nice if you told me what had happened to Marisa to have Mima as a mother figure. 50/100
Poisonous Melancholy
Pros: I like the dynamic you gave to the text by interchanging the dialogues between Melancholy and Susan since they were in the same situation, it acted like a mirror. It's a nice concept all around and a valid take on Melancholy's backstory.
Cons: I feel like there wasn't enough explanation to why Susan felt like people had betrayed her. Sure, the thing with the parents could've affected her but nothing else seemed to explain why she was suicidal. Also on that, I think her listening to loud music while checking the phone for news of her pop group sets her more like a delinquent kind of character rather than a depressed person. Sure, it could be just a façade but that isn't hinted or explained anywhere there so it would be just a baseless assumption. You should also explain why she was so indifferent towards her father since she seemed to love him when she was little. What happened between them? Again, the divorce can have affected their relationship but it still doesn't explain it.
Suggestions: Your OC needed way more work. It would generally be okay with this amount of description, but rather than Melancholy, Susan is the central piece of this story which automatically means you have to make us care for her. Elaborating on her struggled and on her motivations would help, maybe even describe a situation where she was betrayed or similar to explain her descent into depression. 65/100
Ascend Up the Mountain Pros:
I liked the very humorous tone of this entry, it was quite enjoyable. "Well, I have been doing nothing but kicking asses all day, so I'm all up for it." - You deserve a cookie for this one. It was pretty "to the point" and I think it managed it's objective as it's something narrated by Marisa.
Cons: You mention that the scenery in the Untrodden Valley was spectacular but your description of it was fairly generic. This leads me to another point that is your story could benefit from more description. Not a lot more, as I think it would go against the kind of text you're going for, but it would be nice if you elaborated a little more on the scenery since we don't have a clear image about most of those places.
Though I haven't played the game, I have read the plot and I'm pretty sure this is Mountain of Faith rehashed. Though I think it's a fun take on it, it's still not entirely original.
Suggestions: It would also be cool if you described the characters a little more. The reasons why this isn't in the cons is because: one, we know who they are even without much of a description; two, we're talking about Marisa who was looking at them as if they were some generic small fries. However, since Marisa didn't know most of them, it would be cool if she mentioned some of her features, you could even use that as an excuse to poke fun at them, something like "Two blonde girls appeared before me, apparently they were goddesses of harvest and abundance or something. One of them had grapes on her hat. Isn't that taking the harvest part a little too seriously? What a weirdo."
53/100
Beacon of Atonement Pros: Nice use of sensory imagery and, well, description in general. You did a great job portraying kid Murasa, trying to avoid any troubles by making “herself as small as possible”. Her skittishness made me feel like hugging her so I say you made a pretty good job making me care for the character. I liked how there are hints of humor but not in excess. It’s good enough to fit in this kind of text. I especially loved her inner train of thought about the anchor, it does a wonderful job at portraying how insane and bloodthirsty Murasa was. Actually, this whole scene was pretty impressive, props for that. The addition of the diary was a good move, not only fits the whole nautical theme but it also explores Murasa’s background a little more while developing the captain’s personality. It was also a very intelligent way to fill in the blanks left by the time skips.
Cons: Why is the cook the only one with a name and why is it relevant? If you named him just so you could write his name in the diary, you should’ve had the captain calling for him instead of mentioning his name out of the blue. (If it’s something canon I completely missed about Murasa, please disregard this.) “I-I’ve done so much, though. Sunk so many ships. I-I can’t… I can’t pass on like this. How am I going to make it up to her?” Her or him? Or is she talking about the ship? It isn’t very clear.
Suggestions: I would love to say “you could’ve made the story less scene based and more fluid” but this is a one-shot after all and I doubt you would have the necessary space anyway. So instead I’ll say that if you ever feel like posting this in a fanfiction website (and you should), maybe make the time skips less demarked. Other than that, thank you for making me like Murasa and Byakuren even more. 90/100 The Youkai that wouldn’t give up Pros: I really liked the concept for the story in general. The whole idea about the youkai protecting the memory of someone he cared about was pretty cool.
I see a lot of effort put in describing the scenery and that makes me happy. Cons: “Why didn't he flee? Why did it not fear its own death?” There’s a bit of confusion when it comes to the way you’re referring to the youkai. He is either a “it” or a “he”, you can’t use both. I think it’s especially important to take this into consideration here since it indirectly shows how Reimu sees youkai. If she treats them by “it” then she sees them as things or something below humans, if she uses “he” then it shows she acknowledges their humanity (not in the literal sense of the word). “and not once in our battle had he let me get past him... had it been me from advancing?” I have no idea what you mean with the last part, it doesn’t make any sense grammatically. “or the chirping of cicadas, as they mated, as they did every summer” This might be a little nit-picky but not only does the mention about the cicada’s sex life seem mood-breaking and superfluous, cicadas chirp regardless if they are doing the nasty or not. According to google, 1 inch = 2,54 cm. I don’t think such a short distance should be met with an assertion that it was as if the plants didn’t want to touch the house. It’s also too short a distance for Reimu to notice and theorize about it, in my opinion. There are a few odd capitalizations, weird use of punctuation or even the lack of it.
Suggestions: I can guess this wasn’t proof read due to some misspellings and confusing sentences. No matter how exhausting it may be to write a story, you should always proof read and spell-check your work. There are lots of problems that could be avoided had you done that. One of them was: ““This path was surrounded with what may had once been a beautiful flower garden (…)”. Word would’ve warned you about this one, for instance. “May”, “might”, “could”, “should” are some examples of what we call modal verbs. Modal verbs are always followed by the infinitive form of a verb, so in this case it you should have used “have” instead of “had”. While some repetitions are fine to create emphasis, some can be cut. An example of that is “Although not nearly as big or as Impressive as Mugenkan had been, the house gave off the same feeling it did; dread. The house itself was pretty simple at least compared to how complex Mugenkan had been”, you could’ve simply said “Although not nearly as big or as impressive as Mugenkan had been, the house gave off the same feeling it did: dread. The house itself was pretty simple in comparison.” – You already mentioned Mugenkan so the reader already knows to what you’re comparing the house. “(…)but only a picture, a black and white drawing made by cameras like those which sometimes came from the outside world.” – It’s cool how you tried to make it sound like it was something unfamiliar to Reimu, but it’s not as cool when you totally forget about it and then call it a photo later. Always pay attention to consistency. Also, I think you should remove the examples of the questions that formed in Reimu’s mind entirely. Not only it breaks the pacing, it’s also not worthy of mention if you’re not continuing the story. Just say that it raised more questions, the readers will know what you’re talking about. I think the last paragraph lacked a bit more punch. It was also a missed chance to make develop Reimu’s personality. Let’s assume she treated the youkai as “it” and thought youkai were below her, she would find this and realize that maybe humans and youkai weren’t all that different. “I had found the reason that youkai fought – to protect the memory of a woman he cared for. I stood there in silence, looking at the smiling pair. And it struck me: maybe we weren’t all that different.” 60/100
Empty Chairs and Empty Tables Pros: Nice job describing the sceneries and their changes. I liked the description of stage 3’s scenery in particular. I loved Reimu and Seija’s exchanges, they were a fun read and Seija was pretty in character. The way you gave little hints to what had happened to make Reimu change was very well done, though it prepared me for something bad I wasn’t completely prepared for the epilogue. The epilogue was really well done, I liked how you blended Les Miserables with the scene, it was very fitting and while you could tell the items Reimu would find in the closet after the first ones, it still made me feel like my gut had been punched.
Cons: A few typos here and there.
I get it that the division into stages exists to simulate the game, but like a lot of other fictions here, dividing doesn’t work all that well in one-shots and it was completely unnecessary. It ended up being more of a pacing breaker than original.
Giving readers more insight about the catastrophe Seija mentioned would've been nice. I feel like you left me hanging with that one.
Suggestions: I think this was a very well balanced story, the only things I would do was to remove the divisions between stages, especially because they aren’t relevant for a text of this kind, and maybe add more description for Reimu’s enemies – basically do the same with the enemies as you did with the sceneries.
72/100
Fixing a Crapsack World Pros: I give you points for elaborating on an obscure incident, it took me a while to remember this actually existed in canon.
Cons: "This the beginning of the end for those invading vampires. But first..." – This is the beginning. You forgot the verb. Left punch, left kick, right punch is such an ineffective combo I don’t know how Senior is still alive. It should always be punch, punch, kick because kicking takes more time and should be used as a finished in cases like this and… No, I’m not going to take points from you for this one but, yep, still ineffective, Senior sucks at fighting. Now seriously, why is Senior teaching such basic moves when they’re raiding SDM? I mean, sure, they are fighting fairies but they are still in SDM where Remilia and Flandre live. Doesn’t seem like a very smart move. As much as I like dialogue, you should always describe what the characters are doing, their surroundings and maybe their thoughts. This is too dialogue heavy for this kind of text, there needs to be a balance between the narration and dialogue. Stabbing someone with a gohei is seriously hardcore since that thing isn’t even pointy. “But Reimu returned a thousand-yard stare, as if she had seen things that could never be unseen.” – This made me laugh and it shouldn’t have. If you wanted to describe how shocked Reimu was, you could’ve said something like “Reimu could feel herself tremble, she had felt the fairy twitching as the (badass) gohei (of doom) penetrated her chest, her heart slowly coming to a stop as her movement ceased. The young miko had never felt something like that, it scared her, it made her blood run cold.” Also, why does Reimu call her mother “Senior”? Normally people would treat their own parents by their names and I don’t think her name is “Senior”. "Just stay outside of these doors and you should be fine." – If doors can protect you from Remilia, I wonder if windows can protect you from Kagerou. Also, I have to make the typical Hakurei Shrine joke about them being too poor to afford two gohei. "That is me, the Hakurei Miko. Today your petty war ends." – What is this war anyway? What are Remilia’s plans? What are her motivations? How is this an incident (in the Touhou-verse sense of the word)? I know this is part of lore, but if you're going to pick something this obscure you should elaborate on it.
“A fierce battle then ensued.” – I don’t know if you’ve seen the latest Godzilla movie, but it has a particularity – each time Godzilla is going to fight something, the camera cuts back to something else. This is what it feels like too. I know fights are hard to write but there should at least be an attempt.
Suggestions: This really needs more narration, more description and imagery. Writing dialogues only with minimal descriptions of actions only work when you’re writing a play, not a one-shot, it makes the story look a bit lazy. You should also spend some time working on your characters’ personalities. Senior feels like a cardboard cutout to me, I felt no empathy for her or Reimu. Showing us a bit more of her relationships by telling some anecdotes would help a lot. 44/100
Why me? Pros: Well, it’s to the point and it does stick to the theme. (Though, it wouldn’t be here if it didn’t.) Cons: Well, it’s too to the point. As one could say “no climax, no punchline, no plot.” It’s a good synopsis for Subterranean Animism but it doesn’t really work as a one-shot. There isn’t much I can say about it because there isn’t much to read either. Suggestions: It’s not good to write an epic, as I’ve said before, but nor is writing something this short. There has to be a balance. If you wanted to write something small you probably should’ve went with a poem since at least it would let you add more symbolism and punch to the piece. That being said, this review has now more words than your entry, so there’s that. 5/100
A past can change! Pros: Some dialogue exchanges were fun.
Cons: I know that the objective here was to emulate the structure of a game, but script format is literally the laziest way of writing a story. They are simplistic in their nature for a reason and that is because they are used in games, movies and plays, and they all have one essential thing in common: they are aided by visuals. That's why they work there and don't work as actual pieces of literature. So unless you are planning to make a game to complement this and send it with your entry this will always be an incomplete piece since it barely contains any description of what's happening, what the characters are doing, where are they located and so on. It's basically just dialogue. "It has been 10 years since she said that, something is certain to happen soon.. I just can't forget it; I keep dreaming about it, guess I got to deal with it for a bit." - A description of the dream would be nice. This came completely out of the blue. You may want to make everything mysterious, but there are a lot of better ways to do it, since you are already playing the pronoun game by saying "she" when we clearly have no way to know who "she" is at that point, you could have made the dream sequence similar. "Marisa saw her on that field, she uttered those words as if they were a prophecy." or something. Some of the dialogue seems forced, the characters talk in a way they remind be of how Michael Bay handles exposition in his movies. One of the examples is: "Oh snap! I totally forgot to check on the door before heading to my mini garden for breakfast.. " Why did the mini garden get mentioned there? I'll tell you, because you wanted to get some description there since you "couldn't" do it in a format like this, which is why you shouldn't have done it in the first place. Humans don't talk like that, humans would simply say "Oh, snap! I forgot to check the door!". And why should Marisa check the door anyway? It's not like Nitori knocked. Did Nitori expect Marisa to be waiting for her at the front door for no reason or did they have a specific time for Marisa to open the door? If so, why? Is Nitori a pretty princess that needs to be escorted inside? Or there is no spoon? Seriously though, that didn't make sense. "to take a flight to Higan" - take a flight usually implies to get on a plane and fly somewhere. You cloud have just simply stated "to fly to Higan". "(...)even the lazy miko which's taking a vacation (...)" While Reimu is a lazy thing, she's not literally a thing so you might want to use "who is" instead of "which's". Suggestions: Don't write scripts for a writing competition, ever. 27/100
A Promise upon a Cherry Blossomed Night Pros: All around nice use of imagery and description, I especially like the first paragraph.
This story is a pretty nice take on Yuyuko and Yukari’s past.
Cons: I didn’t quite understand why Maribel stepped on the Youkai’s head and why she suddenly decided she would make them bend to her rules. Her actions would suggest she holds a grudge for what happened but there isn’t an explanation and it most definitely wasn’t the Youkai’s fault. “With shaky hands she pressed the knife to my skin and dragged it across.” – Shouldn’t it be “her” skin? I also feel like this description could have more punch to it. It felt pretty impactless and then Maribel’s lack of reaction to her death only adds to it. It made it feel like it was something Maribel was somewhat expecting and prepared to witness even though it wasn’t, otherwise she wouldn’t have been surprised in the first place. I think one or two lines of dialogue were meant to be thoughts but still you used quotations marks which makes it a little confusing to understand if Maribel is vocalizing them or not. I’m assuming this because, at least in one case, it wouldn’t make much sense for her to verbalize the sentence. (“…Am I still Maribel Hearn?” I look at my body, enhanced far beyond the realm of man, a person who kept their promise and who is capable of crossing the boundaries of life and death… “Just who am I and what am I fighting for?”)
Suggestions: I think this story could use a little more elaboration on Maribel and Yuyuko’s relationship, maybe make Maribel reminisce about how they had met or how they became friends or in order to create more empathy for the characters by making them more human-like. Another idea would be to have Maribel recall a funny situation involving Yuyuko so that it would contrast with the tragedy that would unfold later. 70/100
Struggle of an Immortal Pros: It’s a breath of fresh air to see a story portraying Cirno in a serious light without sounding forced. You achieved that, good job. The concept of the story too was interesting. One would expect that memories were the immortals’ most precious treasure. I love stories that focus on raw emotions, this one has quite a punch to it, from the screaming to the coldness (no pun intended) displayed by Cirno, from her apathy about her situation to her worry when she found out her memories would be gone. I feel like I should praise you for the introspective work you did with Cirno. It was oddly convincing for a character everyone is used to see as an idiot.
Cons: There are a few misplaced commas and some missing as well. I feel like there should be fewer divisions between scenes. I know you did that as a way to make the time-skipping more obvious, but you can do that perfectly well without dividing anything. A simple “I no longer could tell for how much time I’ve been walking but it felt like eternity. I knew it was impossible for me to reach the Misty Lake in a week (...)” would do the job, especially since the time gap between the scenes isn’t big. “Every time Dai would ask me to kiss her, I would just awkwardly change the subject as if I hadn't heard her. She must have known that I was deliberately refusing her request. I continued to fear change (…)” and “Dai knew that I've been trying to avoid kissing her, and she likely figured that I was trying to run away from change.” are pretty much the same thing, I think you should remove one of those because, even though you add a little bit more of information, everything could’ve been added to one single sentence instead of repeating most of it. Same thing with “If I can't make it to Dai, I would lose the future of the two of us being a couple.”
Suggestions: A little more sensory imagery would’ve helped making Cirno’s progressively getting worse more impactful. Also, more descriptiveness wouldn’t hurt though, it isn’t absolutely necessary either for this kind of text.
82/100
This marks the end of judges' reviews so far.
Our judges have sincerely worked very hard, please treasure their effort and appreciate their participation here with us! Please do not cause any unnecessary trouble to the judge. If there is any problem regarding this competition, again, please contact Arya or Akinaoki immediately.
A dear heart to everyone who had participated in the Second round! <3
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Ariezza
Promised Arclight
Posts: 615
There is now only a white phantom that looks like you
Favorite Game: Double Dealing CharacterFavorite Character: Satori KomeijiCustom Title: Promised ArclightMini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://i.imgur.com/udbtmBy.png","color":""}Mini Profile Text Color: ffffffMini-Profile Name Color: ffffffOverride Avatar (Auto-Extended Mini-Profile): Enable
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Post by Ariezza on Feb 4, 2015 12:01:56 GMT
xXx Round 3 xXx
Fluttering, fluttering, a blinding light reached out to my eyes, eyes that opened to never observe
"Ah, just human's world".
After all of our challenges and difficulties, we have now reached our third round. I wonder if anyone has noticed some sorts of improvements in their writing? If there is, we will be very happy, for we have been able to at least help someone getting better.
Enough about me, how have you all been faring? It seems like everyone has been getting more 'in shape', and putting forth much more effort for Round 2 compared to the first one. We have also seen surprising changes in participants' scores, and new candidates for the championship. How nice would it be if everyone keeps up that spirit and carries on with the final round!
Writers, pick up your pens and papers (and keyboards, be gentle with them), let the theme we decided on guide you in this sloped, yet rewarding route! Please do not hesitate, do not be afraid, let your words run wild in this spring of writing!
~ Theme ~
Unspoken words
Words were, perhaps, the most well-used and arguably, the most important mean of communication
Yet between souls and souls, creatures and creatures, there are still many things that words could not effecitvely convey.
Or perhaps, were chosen not to convey.
Such unspoken words, feelings, secrets, thoughts, live inside people, live between people, as if roaming in their own little world
What kind of stories would those unspoken words tell?
Everyone, will you share them with us?
xXx Submitted Entries xXx
(Number of Submitted Entries: 10)
Considering the nature of the final round, as well as adjusting to make a better fit in the judges' and participants' lives, this final round will last for three weeks! Third round's Writing Phase will start now- 12:00 PM GMT, Wednesday, February 4th 2015.
Third round's Writing Phase will end at- 12:00 PM GMT, Wednesday, February 25th 2015.
For a Visual Timer, please click here
Refer to the first post for how to submit entries and entries' rules. Please refrain from posting in this thread- for further questions, contact the organizers via PM/IM.
Please stay warm and safe, until we meet again.
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Ariezza
Promised Arclight
Posts: 615
There is now only a white phantom that looks like you
Favorite Game: Double Dealing CharacterFavorite Character: Satori KomeijiCustom Title: Promised ArclightMini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://i.imgur.com/udbtmBy.png","color":""}Mini Profile Text Color: ffffffMini-Profile Name Color: ffffffOverride Avatar (Auto-Extended Mini-Profile): Enable
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Post by Ariezza on Feb 7, 2015 4:34:28 GMT
First entry wah~ This one has a really interesting name!
I wonder how everyone has been doing? Please take your time, it's the final round! Do You Speak Cat? The Capital of Lost Souls.
A city bustling with the most rowdy and noise-making beings that inhabited the Underworld. Alongside all the various youkai that lived underground, the Capital was packed with those who were slated for purgatory in the Hell burning underneath. Oh hells, it's her. In the middle of this city, a pink-haired girl slowly sifted through the crowd, apathy lining her face. Damn it, I didn't want to see her today. Though the demons about her looked like a cavalcade of nightmares, as soon as she approached them, they quietly stepped aside with shifty, detesting glares. Go back to the hole you crawled out of, witch. Whispers of unabated hatred surrounded her, though she continued walking forward, as she always did. However, every so often, the girl would look to the side, and the youkai that happened to meet her gaze would unconsciously take a single step backwards.
"C'mon, kid. Read my mind. What can you see, huh? Go on, take a peek."
The girl perked up at the voice, and looked around. She heard a squeaky yelp. I don't want to! Stop it! I can't take it anymore! the voice cried out. Then, she heard another sound; a faint meow reached her ears. Sighing, she looked down at the ground, and saw a floating half-lidded eyeball staring back up at her. The girl rolled her eyes, as if responding to someone, and went to investigate the noise. A few black devils were hovering over a little girl, laughing as she cowered against a dirty alley wall. With their leathery wings and horned bodies, the hulking demons were undoubtedly one of the more feared denizens of the Capital. One of them kicked her side with a cackle, causing her to choke her tears out. Her orange blouse and green skirt stained with mud, she continued to resist, as within her tightly protective arms, a pitiful bundle of black fur meowed. Someone help! Please! Anyone!
...
"Good evening."
Immediately, the laughing subsided. All eyes turned to their visitor. "S-Satori..."
"Mmm... don't you folks have anything better to do? Say, do you want to play a game?" the pink-haired girl said, clasping her hands with a lop-sided smile. Above her hands, the eyeball hovered lazily, drifting its gaze between each of the devils. All of them appeared to stand their ground, yet each one the eye saw backed up by a single step, unbeknownst to everyone but her. One of them shook his head, and stomped forward. "You don't--"
"--scare us, Komeiji! We'll crack open that skull of yours right now!" interrupted Satori, a deadpan tone in her voice as she looked off to the side. Before she could continue further, she hopped backwards swiftly, barely missing a right hook off her nose. The reason for her perfect evasion, her third eye, was fully open, glaring at the demon that had swung his fist at her. Satori could hear teeth gnashing, as well as a veritable flood of unmentionable Hellborn language.
She giggled.
"Oh, who taught you to think with those ghastly words, Soaeg'thil? You'll make the missus blush, not that you've seen any in the last three weeks," said Satori. The demon jerked angrily, his arms trembling and snaking with veins. Damn mind-reading whore, I'd like to have a skewer in that eye, she heard. She continued to stare up at the devil, while her third eye scanned across to the others. They had already shuffled into the crowd, leaving their "comrade" alone to fend for himself. A moment later, he realized the same. You'll get yours one day, Komeiji, I swear, he internally growled. Stomping down powerfully, the ground around her shook before the devil left.
Komeiji Satori saw her opponent off, patting down her flowery pink skirt. She walked over to the girl she had just saved, and held out her hand. The girl retreated towards the wall, hugging the cat in her arms. H-Hugs hurt... It meowed, but made no effort to move. Satori glared down at the girl against the wall, who sniffed as she avoided her sister's gaze. I'm totally fine.
"You don't look fine."
I don't want to go home. I want to--
"Play more with 'Rin-chan', or whatever you call that mangy cat."
Don't insult her! Stop reading me!
"I don't care. Come on, lights are almost out; you know how dangerous it is then. Leave it here and let's go, Koishi," the older Satori snapped, grabbing Koishi's hand by force.
The grey-haired younger sister tore her hand back.
"No! I don't want to! You just want to keep me in the house! I hate that house! I hate this mind-reading! I hate you!!" Koishi shrieked.
Then, cat still in hand, the younger sister fled quickly through the crowd, leaving her older sister's hand hanging in the air. The hand retreated to her own chest, trying to keep herself from worrying harder than she already was, as she followed in pursuit.
Please don't cry, Koishi-sama...
Komeiji Koishi pulled her head further into her knees. The musty stench of some leftover meat in a nearby dumpster, the dirty puddles about her feet, the flies that gave her static for sympathy -- none of it mattered to her as she unabashedly sobbed in the back of some unknown alleyway. The black cat in her arms earlier pawed at her third eye, which floated about near her knees. Satori-sama didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sure of it. Please don't cry, Koishi-sama, the cat pleaded. The girl's crying slowed down, and she looked up from her knees. Her hands reached out for the cat, hugging it close to her softly.
"I-I never-- hic, never liked m-mind-reading. I-It's too sca-- hic, scary. Everyone-- everyone hates us for, hic, for it. S-Satori says i-it's natural to make people hate us, but I-I don't, hic. I don't w-want that. Hic, I j-just want some f-friends," she said, hiccuping incessantly between sobs.
Rin's always going to be your friend, Koishi-sama! Always, always! the cat declared, meowing loudly.
Koishi's hug tightened slightly. "Hic, thank you, Rin-chan," she said. "Y-You're always there for me."
That's right! I'll always--
"You don't have to hide, hic, that you're stalling for my sister, though. You're not very good at that, hic, Rin-chan."
Huh? What? I'm not! I'm not stalling for her! I'm not stalling for her! I'm not--
The cat tried to squirm out of Koishi's embrace, but it only grew tighter. "I'm, hic, tired of this, Rin-chan. I don't want to think you betrayed me, hic. I don't want to think about my sister, hic... or anything for that matter."
Koishi-sama! Let me go! I can't breathe!
"Let's talk again sometime, okay, Rin-chan."
As the lights in the Capital slowly dimmed down, Satori's pace quickened more and more. It was simple to find her sister, really, with a cursory scan of any person that saw her pass by. However, with everyone retreating under their own roofs, Satori's range was becoming limited. Sweat glistened against the warning red lanterns that signaled the short time towards complete lights-out. Worry began to saturate her mind. She knew it was a fruitless worry, as usually Koishi would come back to her shortly after running off like she did. Something told her that this time wouldn't be any different; unfortunately, that something was herself.
Suddenly, Satori found herself standing at the entrance of an alley. "... Huh?" she blurted out. A draft blew from within the alley, and Satori stood befuddled. Hadn't she been sticking to the main road? When did she come here? However, before she could catch her own thoughts, she heard a loud meow. Hearing it repeatedly, the sound registered as something familiar. Then, she saw the black cat from before bounding towards her. Satori! Satori! After her!
Satori snatched up the cat from the ground in a flash. "The cat from earlier... Where's Koishi?!" asked Satori, her eyes blazing with an unknown light. However, it managed to squirm out and leapt down to the ground. The cat meowed even more loudly.
She just ran past you! Didn't you see her?! Go after her!! Something's wrong, she's not saying anything!! the cat screamed into her head in a panicked tone.
"What? What're you talking about? I didn't see anything! Koishi! Koishi!!" yelled Satori, the cat's wild emotions leaking into her own. Her head darted back and forth, scanning desperately for her sister. Her third eye mimicked the movement. No sight of Koishi entered any of her eyes, even as the grey-haired girl stood in the middle of the road, watching her. A sad smile flitted past Koishi's face as she cradled a floating eyeball within her arms. However, unlike her sister's, the eye wasn't looking at anything, as its dark blue lid was closed. A black fluid seeped from underneath the eyelid, dripping onto the ground. She twirled away, her skirt flapping about gracefully, and turned her head back to look at the two she was leaving behind.
"Have fun, Rin-chan, sis. I'm going off to play."
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Ariezza
Promised Arclight
Posts: 615
There is now only a white phantom that looks like you
Favorite Game: Double Dealing CharacterFavorite Character: Satori KomeijiCustom Title: Promised ArclightMini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://i.imgur.com/udbtmBy.png","color":""}Mini Profile Text Color: ffffffMini-Profile Name Color: ffffffOverride Avatar (Auto-Extended Mini-Profile): Enable
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Post by Ariezza on Feb 7, 2015 15:18:55 GMT
Second entry of the round, and also the second entry of the day, wee~
Everyone, please try hard and carry on c:
AcceptanceThe sun hid behind the clouds above the city of Suwa, a relatively small city that found its home on the shore of Lake Suwa. It was a relatively cloudy morning, and it seemed like rain would cascade from the gray sky at any moment.
A teenage girl walked down the sidewalk leading up to her high school, her bag being dragged behind her disinterestedly. Her long green hair wavered with every step she took, her skirt fluttering in the quiet breeze. She looked down at the ground quietly as she began to walk past a group of kids. They were talking among themselves and quite excitedly until she came along. Their cheerful smiles then turned into frowns as they glared at her in contempt, waiting until she moved right along past them before they started pointing at her and saying hateful things about her.
The girl sighed to herself, fighting back tears that were threatening to well up in her yellow eyes. It was just another typical morning for her at this point. All she could do was try to gather up her strength and go through the day as well as she could.
As she approached her school, she noticed a group of elders across the sidewalk that were staring her down. The girl’s heart began to beat slowly. They were the same elders that she has seen at the shrine from time to time. She cursed under her breath, embarrassed by the fact that they followed her around again.
She grimaced as they began voicing praises toward her loudly, their voices attracting the attention of students that were near the entrance of the school. At once, they all directed their attention to the girl, saying nothing as she hurried inside as fast as she could. She just wanted to find solace in her first class, even though she knew that the peace wouldn't last very long.
When she made it to the room, she sat in her desk off to the side of the room near the windows. She panted a little, setting her bag down on top of her desk. She looked over and saw other students in the room. They were all staring at her, and she could recognize the emotions in their eyes.
Anger.
Hatred.
Scorn.
She was used to all three at this point. She had no friends. She didn't even have any acquaintances. She was all alone in her school, and she felt all alone in general. Though, she knew that she would never be alone, as the two goddesses of her shrine loved her dearly. She longed to embrace the two of them and spend time with them, wanting them to know how grateful she was to have them and how much she loved them.
She buried her face in her hands and started to shed a few tears, wanting to head back to the shrine quickly.
The day trailed on slowly. Walking from class to class was never easy. Boys would shove her around and insult her. Girls would only watch her from a distance and mock her. Her teachers would only look at her with indifference. During lunch, she sat by herself in the classroom where her sixth class was located. She ate her lunch quietly tears streamed down her face.
It was only a little longer…
The last two classes of the day soon passed, and the dismissal bell rang throughout the school. The girl tucked the robot manga she was reading in her bag quickly before getting up, wanting to hurry back home as soon as she could. As she made her way toward the open door, a student stuck his foot out from under his desk, wanting to trip her. He succeeded, and the green-haired girl fell to the ground painfully, the contents of her bag falling out as her bag landed off to the side. Her notebooks, pencils, and the manga she was reading littered the ground, and laughter echoed throughout the room as they all pointed at the dismayed girl. She closed her eyes tightly and covered her ears as she tried to fend off the biting insults.
Getting up as fast as she could, she hurriedly picked up her belongings and stuffed them in her bag before she ran out of the classroom. She then ran outside the school, not caring that rain was heavily falling from the sky and drenching her.
She just wanted to go home.
As she ran, the same elders from before stood under umbrellas across the street, praising her as she went by. She covered her ears again, hating their incantations. Suddenly, she slid on the slick sidewalk and fell onto the cold ground, but she didn't bother getting up once she did. She let out a loud cry and buried her face in her arms, her body beginning to wrack with sobs.
The insults of her fellow classmates, the chants of the elders…they were the only things she could hear in her mind. They repeated in her mind like a broken record, and every repeat only made her cry harder. Every day went on like this...every day...
Getting up slowly once she found herself calming down, she looked forward and saw the shrine close by. She began to limp there, her right leg wounded due to the fall on the concrete.
Finally. She was home.
Once she made it inside, she shut the door behind her and breathed heavily. Turning around, she saw the two beings that meant the world to her: her two goddesses. The tall one with purple hair looked at her sympathetically with a sad expression on her face while the short one with blonde hair fought back tears, distressed at the appearance of their loved one.
The girl began to cry again as she dove into their arms, weeping audibly as she held them both close. The two goddesses in turn hugged her as tight as they could, voicing words of comfort and love into the green-haired girl’s ears as they held her in their warm embrace. Things were painful indeed for the girl, but she knew that in time, things would improve. She would always be thankful for her goddesses and their love for her, as their love was all that was driving her forward.
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